Today

• I am feeling really grateful today. There are so many people in my life that I feel I do not deserve, and I have an extraordinary handful of close friends that really stayed there with me. I just wish I could somehow convey in words/actions how much they truly, truly effect and mean to me. At the same time, I have to be proud of myself for first of all being friends with these people, and second of all (somehow) not destroying the friendship and (hopefully) being there for them like they are for me.

• If I had a dollar for every time I deleted you out of my phone I would be a much richer human being. And look at that however you'd like, but either way that means I had to type your name out and put you back in again.

• I went to the river today, it was gorgeous and made my day pretty spectacular. I learn so much every day and knowing that I really believe is what is keeping me going. The friend I chose to invite made me realize so much about how I want to spend my time with the type of people who are easy to be around, and people who make me feel 100% comfortable. Thank you for telling me I am a good driver, thank you for hiking down the hill with me and putting up with my anxious nature, thank you for helping me navigate and paying attention to me when I needed it, thank you for trying to float down the current on your back when I told you that you should, thank you for laying on the rocks with me so I was never alone and letting the silence be so carefree when we were not conversing, thank you for thanking me for taking you after I thanked for you coming with me.

• I can't stand to think about you with another girl, it makes me sick to think about someone else even believing whatsoever that they enjoy your company and like things about your personality. I think about you every day and I love things about you that maybe no one else ever will. Sometimes I think about it, and don't understand how you could do this to somebody you cared about. I'm sorry I didn't answer, or return your calls, I'm trying to protect myself and I wish more than anything you could understand that. Take me back or let me be, just please choose one or the other. I came to the conclusion today that if you liked me any less you would be able to spend time with me, and not be so worried about what you are doing to me, and if you liked me any more you would want to spend time with me so much that you would ignore all those thoughts and accept things for how they are. I'm sorry I didn't try, I just didn't expect it to be like this if I didn't.

• Why do I keep wasting my time with you? I know how things will go, and if I'm not sulking about how you treat me I'm trying to hurt you in return. And if I'm not doing either of those things I am trying to win you over and get you to like me like I see it in my head.

• Do you believe in danger?

• I found out the other night that déjà vu is a "mini-seizure" and isn't anything special at all. I guess growing up is finding out all those magical things you loved your entire life are able to be explained or defeated.

• Everything will always come together in some bizarre way, at least for me. Sometimes after saying yes for so long I think it is fair to celebrate within yourself for just saying no. Sometimes people will say exactly what you want to hear, and I can just be proud of myself for hearing hollow words and seeing them for what they really are. I take everything into consideration, and maybe I just stood up and left because I (for one of the first times) realized it was an option I could choose.

• I am so happy to be friends with you again. We were never not friends, but things were changing, and as much as it bothered me before we fixed our problems I did not anticipate whatsoever how wonderful it would feel to be back to the old us. The relief I felt after we told each other the importance of each other in our lives is nearly indescribable, and I would trade that conversation for nothing. I know how rare and meaningful it is when you cry like that, especially in front of someone else, I just almost wish you knew how signifiant it should be for you with me. No matter what you do or what you say I will always love and appreciate the growing we have done and difficulties we have overcome regarding each other and ourselves.

"WHEN YOU FIND YOU, COME BACK TO ME"