For some reason it felt familiar when I pulled up to the curb on the side of his house. I was walking to his front door when I'm surprised to see him jogging towards me from inside his garage. His shirt is off and he greets me with a hug before leading me inside. I say hi to his mom, and momentarily think of what she thinks seeing me back here again after so much time passed. I sit on his bed, trying not to spend too much time looking at him. His hair is still damp from his shower, and all he is wearing is some small red shorts. We're talking as he tries on different outfits, and shows me all his new shirts. He plays different songs for me and as always some I do not like, and some I do. "I think you'll like this one". He's sitting next to me on the bed when he asked me if I had sex with him, he is trying to keep his tone casual but his facial expression easily says otherwise. I automatically and mistakingly ask who told him that, but quickly fix it by saying no. "Why do you care anyways?" he returns my question with a look, and continues to pressure me. He is making things up until he is mixing up his words, and pauses before using a word I could tell he was trying so hard to avoid. "Because it makes me jealous". I ignore his statements completely, and argue that you can spend time with someone you've slept with and not sleep with them again. He disagrees, and this goes on and on. He gives up briefly before asking questions, prodding about details we both know I would never release. He says he wants to be better, and I tell him what he doesn't want to hear, "We're not going to." He's leaning against his table now, as far away as he can get. He asks me where I plan on moving to, and I respond with a laugh. "So you want to know where I'm going so you can know how realistic it is for us?" he replies with a subtle yes, and I'm taking none of this to heart. He says LA is too far away, and wants to know what it will be like when we are separated. "I missed you so much, you hated me, so it was different; I could always get you to hate me before I leave, I bet that is do-able". I tell him it is more than do-able; it's more than likely. He is sitting on the bed again when I tell him that I was thinking earlier how the only thing he has ever been mad at me for was about a situation with someone else. He looks directly into my eyes "that's because you're perfect". I tell him to shut up, and he tells me that I hate him, and I'm always mad at him. I agreed and tell him how shitty he is. He tells me that I never look bad. He lays over me, and when he looks up he asks if I am over hating him for tonight. I tell him I am, and somehow meant it. He's trying on shirts, he's making fun of how I talk. I'm trying to get comfortable, I'm slightly sucking my stomach in. He asks how long we have been friends, and I figure it out in my head. "All of high school, for four years". He says at least two and a half of those he wanted to kiss me, and can't believe that he hasn't. "You know when I said I wanted to make out with everyone? And I made out with her?" I tell him yeah, and explain how it hurt when I asked him not to do one thing for me, and he did it anyway. "It hurt equally, it hurt because I liked you, and it hurt because you told me that you wouldn't". He was progressively getting upset and grabbing his face. "I chose HER over YOU." "Yeah it sucked". "Biggest mistake of my life". He says there are a lot of things that he wants to always say to me but feels like we can't, I knew what he meant, and I realized and told him I do the same thing. He describes to me all of the times he wanted to kiss me. "Yeah, I think about the fourth of july, and us laying there". He agrees as I ponder whether or not he was single at the time of my memory. He says it's because I never seemed like I wanted anything between us, and I shoot him down. "You didn't pursue anything with me". "I don't pursue anyone". "True". "And I think it's really turned out for the worse". He laughs. He is complaining about how his new black pants smell. "If I had a time machine". I laugh at his seriousness. I think about how everything is going for him in his life, he says how good we would be together. I tell him not to pretend he isn't loving his life how it is, and talking himself into thinking he wants change. He told me to think of all the times that I've made him depressed, insinuating I would make him happier. He says things could be better than how they are. I told him he didn't know that. "Look at how much I have smiled in the... hour you've been here". I agree, before he began about how things would be now, if he could just go back. He says he knows our sex would be really good. He knows we would be a good couple. "What if I went back in time already and this is how things would be?" "What if I already went back in time and saw how bad we were together and then went back in time again and undid that so we were here again?" I laughed. He was a boy. "How did we go all this time?" "I don't know, it's weird, isn't it?" He reminds me about how he spit at the last boy he knew that I had feelings for, and says he wants to kill anyone who wants to have sex with me. He asks if I remember when we talked about how no one would find out about us together. I say I do. "I remember that I was serious and I really just wished you were" "I WAS" "Yeah, past tense, you WERE". "yeah, were." He suggests that it is still true. "I don't think we're going to have sex." "Because you don't want to" "I don't know how to respond to that statement. I don't know whether I would answer yes, or no. But I'll say I've thought about it, recently. Not in a good way, I just did." He can't stop saying how he wished he could go back. "You love this". He's bothered thinking that I like to see him torturing himself. "No, I'm sorry. I feel bad." He is on the other side of his bed, and now asking if it would happen again with him. I say that I would say no and not tell him the truth, but I might as well because I already lied to him tonight. We say we want to tell each other things, but I tell him that he would think less of me if he knew what I have been doing during this time. "Yeah, DOING" "I didn't put the emphases on doing, you did that on purpose" "Yeah, I did". "You don't know what I think of you at all, or what I have thought about you" "No, but I know it would be worse after I told you" "I've never thought badly of you". He said he just wanted to know everything so he wouldn't have to think about it any more, and I tell him once I've told him everything he would still think about it. Everything I'm saying starts to make him mad, and he's letting out air angrily. I repeatedly apologize for nothing in particular. "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself". I wonder if his mom in the other room can hear our conversation. I tell him I have to go to the bathroom, and we end up talking in the doorway until he finally let's me go. He asks if I even like boys, and I scoff. "All I have ever heard you say about a boy is that he's cute, you never go further than that". I tell him I talk to other people about those things, even my brother. He asks who I was referring to until he guesses correctly and I cannot lie this time. He cringes and makes little remarks, I stand my ground, "I could go on for hours about him". I'm only telling the truth to prove a point. He uses the word again. We go around and around until we're finally at some sort of truce, and I tell him I'll let him go to his girlfriend's. He says he wants to see me tomorrow. He asks when we will watch movies, and we begin reminiscing yet again. "I'll walk you to your car". I pretend not to completely appreciate that. We hug for a long time in the street, and I end up giving him a pack of my gum. He is looking inside my car casually. "I really like that sweatshirt". "Thanks". And I left.
1. "Thanks for hanging out with me"
2. "Me too you make me smile so much! I would love to hang out tomorrow at some point"
3. "I know it's the best. Sorry I was dwelling on the past. I just wish I would have done things differently"
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