Tonguing It

"She's like the scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if you just stop tonguing it, but you can't."

Weather

change is change, even for the better
everyone looks nicer in colder weather

Greatest

"THE GREATEST NOSTALGIA IS FOR WHAT HAS NEVER TRULY BEEN"

More Than Three

i slept hardly more than three hours last night; do you know how many meals i fit into that sort of day?
hint: more than three of them.
you said that you wanted three words to describe yourself, funny how i'd already given you more than three, but continued to think about it anyway. thoughtful is an understatement, and once i figure out the three it will all be irrelevant. i can't sleep, and i lost track of how many days in a row i have to go straight to work at three. days. three o'clock.

i've missed you, and third times the charm, what to do, always stuck at two.

Story of My Life

"you have an innate ability of showing up at the wrong time"

Buzz Kill

Not

"I want to not care about you so bad"

Grudges

all of my grudges randomly dissolved tonight

"i know but it's gross when girls are like that? i can't explain. but not it's too dumb and i'm really fine and not mad at you, really"

"well i really would like to see you tonight." 

Thinkin'

Because I just got home from work, and was going to passive aggressively take the hair buzzer from my mom's cabinet and leave it on his porch. I am organizing the accessories in the box, and my mom mentions a name I was fairly familiar with. She asks if I know the kid, and tells me who his brother is. I tell her yes, and that I just saw/talked to his brother minutes ago in the parking lot outside of my work. She then begins to tell an also familiar story, so familiar i am literally filling in the words before she speaks them. Ian Murray is drunk and goes out some road in Nevada City in his jeep to 4-wheel, he is driving and his buddy is shot-gun, and there's a girl in the back. he hits something, and she isn't wearing a seatbelt because there are only belts in the front, and she's injured, badly. the boys are drunk and don't even immediately take her to the hospital she says. I'm pretending nothing about this story could ever possibly involve my little life but mean while flashing back to holding on to whatever i could as young blonde Ian drives fast and careless, friend in passenger, through trees and trees. I remember all the beer, the mud, on everything. I remember wishing there were seats in the back, so my friend and I were more secure on the more than rough ride. My mom said that there was no seat in a tone that made me feel guilty at best. I remembered being so isolated out some strange series of roads and feeling stranded. I picture the girl, young and with long straight blonde hair, but half her face completely mauled. "It ripped her ear off", "she almost died", "the doctors had to sew it back on." My mom said he is in a lot of trouble. "Is he a nice kid?" she asks. I remember liking him the most at the bonfire, and talking to him at his house after it all. My mom said her whole face is scars, and shows me on her own with her hand. It made me feel like there is a reward for all that I do, and don't. I thought about my life in an odd way, with a ruined face from a familiar yet exciting drive for a blonde brother. So much is forgotten.

grade school

We'd yell at each other at night in the streets, like I wasn't in grade school. "FINE just walk away!" he called me his Mollie. It was the closest he'd get. I remember loving his slender rough hands, and blonde soft hair. Like I wasn't in grade school. He showed me a lot.

Too Young

I am far too young to remind someone of terrible memories, every time they think of me

Except

This is the Twilight Saga; except Edward didn't love Bella enough to come back, and Jacob has a girlfriend he adores.

Oddly Enough

"He is everything I would have asked for if I'd known myself well enough to know what to ask for. He's exactly the kind of person someone like me needs. And, oddly enough, he needs me, too."

Oh How

I Missed The Gym So Badly.

"I think the contact high from the neighbor's plants is about as exciting as it's gonna get here."

A Little

"I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up"

Let Go

You said we would get better, you and I. My heart fluttered when you said that because it insinuated time for improvement. And you said we. But you forgot about me months ago, just like they said you would. I'm doing fine spending far too much time wondering how you're doing. Wishing I could know how we were doing.

"A real mystery. I saw remarkable things but the only mystery I never solved was...
 why my heart couldn't let go of you. "

Hopeless

"I'm not emotionless,

in fact I broke my wrist 

when I wrote the list 

of all those I miss"

Hott

If you have my number memorized and never use it.














STALEMATE

Home > Library > Literature & Language > Dictionary

n.

1. A situation in which further action is blocked; a deadlock.

What A

"And I am sorry your conscience called in sick again
And you've got arrogance down to a science"

Dictionary: re·lief   (rĭ-lēf')

Home > Library > Literature & Language > Dictionary

n.

1. The easing of a burden or distress, such as pain, anxiety, or oppression.
2. Something that alleviates pain or distress.
3. 
   
   
   1. Public assistance.
   2. Aid in time of danger, especially rescue from siege.
   
   
   
4. 
   
   
   1. Release from a post or duty, as that of sentinel.
   2. One who releases another by taking over a post or duty.
   
   
   

Exist

"If you can happily exist with a person, whatever the circumstances, because I know yours are weird, then why don't you?"
"I hate when people are like that."

Feel Sorry

sometimes you just have to feel sorry for yourself. misery swallows you up and its gotta swish you around a bit before it spits you out to dry. it was a long day, no coffee, a dollar short. work went well. but it's not fair that there are so many thousands and thousands of names out there, and that that has to be hers. i said it seems like some things HAVE to be meant to be, and then you left. today i could feel myself welling up, with my entire self and i choked it back, like those mean dogs on chains. everyone has then OWN lives, you have to remember that. and when i lifted my head up you said, "you're crying". but i knew that, and that table with the holes reminded me of being younger. i cried for math, nothing more, nothing less, just numbers, and i guess some letters, since i have been doing algebra since 7th grade (and to this day). i wanted to just be home, safe from the reality of learning things, but themollieshow must go on; i had photoshop class. "there is NOTHING i could do to make him have a good reason to be mad at me". i'm tired of sleeping alone, i'm tired of living alarm to alarm, actually i think i'm just tired.
"you killed me. i died, you can ask anyone." tick, tick, tick.

Antonyms: discouraged

Home > Library > Literature & Language > Antonyms

adjDefinition: disheartened
Antonyms: encouraged, heartened, inspired

Hell o

SATAN AND HER GIFTS

Act Like You Didn't Know

"You leave, you try

You laugh, you cry

You did, you lie

You live, you die

You will, you won't

You feel, you don't

You heal, and you crack

And I promise still I got your back"

Less Than

high school > college. (and i do not mean greater than or equal to.)

Dead Ends

"
I read your every entry
I read your secrets and didn’t sleep
They say you’ll never let me see your face
Wish me luck then laugh at this sad case


I saw your pictures and couldn’t eat
I swear you were sent here just to tease
And you smiled back in between asterisks
My heart is on my sleeve when I write you
These incidents lead to dead ends

Surely they excite you
"

Procrasti Nation

ENDING PROCRASTINATION

Judy Baca

Everyone at one time or another has put off some task, goal, or important plan at work for any number of reasons. Perhaps you think time is too short or the task isn’t really that important. Either way, procrastination can lead to a stalled life and career.
EVALUATE YOUR SITUATION.
Joyce Winfrey, of Time Management Incorporated, has some very good advice that will help you begin to move forward. She says that you should ask yourself two very basic questions about why you are procrastinating:
1. Am I procrastinating because the task at hand is not really what I want?
2. Is there a valid reason for my procrastination?
After you have asked yourself these questions, Ms. Winfrey suggests that you do the following:
Look deep within yourself. If you are looking for excuses, then the process of asking these questions will be a waste of your time. However, if you answer these questions honestly, you might find answers that surprise you and that will help clarify your situation.
She also recommends several techniques that can help you get back on task.
PRACTICE NEW TECHNIQUES
Identifying and understanding the techniques that follow is the first step. Once you know what to do, you can begin to practice these steps daily.
Take Baby Steps. Don’t make any task bigger than it really is by looking at the whole thing at once. Break it down into baby steps that are manageable.
Don’t Strive for Perfectionism. If you are waiting for the perfect solution or the perfect opportunity, you will be immobilized. Accept the fact that no one and nothing is perfect. Then accept your mistakes and move on.
Enjoy the Task. Enjoy the task at hand and find something in it that is positive and rewarding. Confront your fears with a plan of action.
Remind yourself of all these techniques daily. Post them by your telephone, by your desk, or in your car. You will find that your personal life and career will gain momentum, and success will soon be yours.

Too Much

If I spend too much time with one particular person in a short time span I change my story for my mom, so that she thinks I'm with a variety of different people instead; ashamed of my addictive personality with other people.

Selfless

I absolutely do not believe in "selflessness",

but it's nice when on occasion someone makes me doubt that.

Infinite

Dictionary: in·fi·nite   (ĭn'fə-nĭt)

 

Home > Library > Literature & Language > Dictionary

adj.

1. Having no boundaries or limits.
2. Immeasurably great or large; boundless: infinite patience; a discovery of infinite importance.
3. Mathematics.
   1. Existing beyond or being greater than any arbitrarily large value.
   2. Unlimited in spatial extent: a line of infinite length.
   3. Of or relating to a set capable of being put into one-to-one correspondence with a proper subset of itself.

Bless You

I immensely appreciate everytime someone uses the words "bless you" and "of course". Every time.

Flowers

"He bought me FLOWERS."
"I told him he needs to play hard to get."

Fate

"Mollie, you think everything is fate"

Can Change

my love for how love can change people will never change

Nothing is Wrong

nothing is wrong, i would just rather be with this blanket than anyone else in the world. 
i am sick, okay? four out of these five nights i've had the windows rolled down in the front and i was in the back seat trying to distract myself from the piercing cold air blowing on my bare skin. if you talk about something enough maybe it will go away. but i don't believe in that, i believe the more you talk about something the more you build it up for yourself and turn it into something fake and distant, intangible, even though it never had to be. it's hard to think that some things in life, those little totally insignificant things, are actually insignificant and mean nothing. whenever i am thinking that i still secretly tell myself that they will add up to something later in life. just to get me through i guess. just like hypothetical situations, i sit around thinking about them all day long, not even in my life, other people's who i have never met. it's like when someone once told me that there are all these people in the world and "odds are it's happened to someone!" that awe and wonder i felt towards that thought never faded, i'll always be amazed and entertained by it. i listen to the same songs over and over, it's like when you have a shirt or something that reminds you of someone and no one knows it except for you and so you wear it as much as you can get away with and just soak in that feelings of reminiscing privately. i read somewhere yesterday how foolish it is to believe that hope is more than a phase someone grows out of, and i disagree completely. but i want someone who will put their neck on the line for me because they are so in-the-moment, but at the exact same time back away when they knew that's what i wanted. i hate the word awkward more than anything and if i didn't hear it for a few years my life would be 100 percent better. and why is it that you have to give something up to have something less than that? all i know is that when i am around you i can feel everything. like EVERYTHING is heightened; my blood in my body, my muscles in my face, the hair on my knees. this is all just wanting something out of my power. and by all i mean all. i make mistakes, i say too much, i say too little, never the right amount, ever. maybe this is the right amount. awkward.

Hey You

Hey Bitch,
This Smile Is Real.

Never Enough

never enough

"nobodys good enough all these people seem weak and your the only decent human being, i swear to it"


oh but most of the time i feel as though i have lived such a cushioned life that it gravely resulted in an expected, and complete lack of character (and that i am here faking it--and fooling everyone).

"I WISHED I COULD SAVE HER, IN SOME SORT OF TIME MACHINE"

Dictionary: tor·pid   (tôr'pĭd)

adj.

1. Deprived of the power of motion or feeling; benumbed.
2. Dormant; hibernating.
3. Lethargic; apathetic. See synonyms at inactive.

PATIENCE

"Patience is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast. Antonyms include hasty and impetuous."

"Don't start Mollie."

I Tend to

"I tend to fall in loveget a little bit crazy"

Pocket

your hand is in my pocket. i had to swallow twice.




"l-o-v-e is just another word i LOVE to pronounce"

"Mom!"

"Dad called me!"

FWD: Hi honey, accidental call! Nice to hear from you though. Love, dad

Hate

"It's not that everyday
Everyday is coming up
With the green grass
But the times pass, when
I think of you
Whenever I'm at dinner"

Something Wrong

"THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR FATHER, HE'S FUCKING NUTS."

Fantasize

I fantasize about something every few months reminding you of me

From March

Senses

Everything is a smaller symbol for something bigger

until it cannot get any bigger

and it's you

I can taste his regret

sweet and thick as maple syrup

it stays in my mouth like that

taste in the morning, dry, and stale

I can smell his determination

it comes in wafts

powerful and clean like mint

I can misunderstand his hope

and get it all confused and tangled within mine

I can feel this fading

an ice cube in my palm

Plan

Nothing goes to plan, and equal to that fact inconveniencing me, I take advantage of it.

"I was like a lost moon—my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation—that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity."

I Should Have

"I Should Have Walked Away.

I Should Have Walked Away."

Sometimes I get so deeply enveloped in my thoughts about the present moment that I am forced to remind myself to speak just to almost play along. Last night I paused briefly, and even then you took it as my rejection towards the conversation. Sometimes it is more trying to hear the truth when you knew it all along. I was preoccupied with the repercussions before the event played out, and was entertaining alternate endings. I was blowing your words out of proportion and context, but just in my head. And I was shivering, but we both knew that you were not the warmth I needed. Have you ever realized you were enjoying yourself, right then?

If I Only

"Every time you and I hang out it's like a first date -- if I only had like twenty more minutes!"

Really About the Same

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Always Get

"I want you to know,
that you always get your way"

Oh I'm Scared

"I wanna break into your heart
to see why you want us apart
Oh, I'm scared to death to find out what you think of me"

Day In Day Out

[i don't believe in much

but i believe in people

i believe in creating

i believe in love

trust

laughter

home

i believe in satisfaction

happiness

i believe in apple sauce]

[boredom consumes me

and makes me who i am

i need time for silence

thought

realization

just bein' here]

Weight of the World

"you were four months old but had the weight of the world on your shoulders"

-my mom

Veteran

"I'm a veteran of spatial relationships"

I like you for exactly who you are, everything that I could think to alter or tweak whatsoever is a fault within myself that I cannot conquer. The next time you are present I will be more present than ever, but it is hard imagining the future without taking in account the past. Sometimes the patterns overwhelm me and I am paralyzed knowing exactly how thing will play out. These are my lessons, and I will progress.

""My thoughts were miles away -- about fifteen miles away""

Homework

"

"

Treat You Better

"If you treat me right I'll treat you better."

Rewrite

"This is to the (uh-uh) intertwined souls
the hands I've been trying to hold
This is to the (uh-uh) love that I lost
and all the troubling thoughts of how I got double-crossed
and this is to the (uh-uh) divorce I was forced to settle with
and the remorse I fought off with metal fists
and this is to the (uh-uh) wet, watery kiss I left you with
on your porch while I watched your trembling lips

This is to the... memory of our early years
the first girl I shared feelings with
and it's the realest thing I'd experienced in my short existence
I ain't afraid to admit
cause love is one of the things that doesnt come with an age limit
now does it? In fact I'ma have to say I'm more keen to feel such things
hopeful dreams I'd lost in a smokescreen of meaningless fucking
Touching without touching, candles in the dark
casting shadows on our parents battles, this is for the romantics at heart
It wasn't too long before I held you more then my pen
when I wasn't writing songs, that was something like
"Forever and always, whenever those songs play..."
I remember empty hallways
where your image that descended from the top floor became an echo
I paid the price for those hard things, and couldn't afford to let go
From a passive debt, I'm past regret
Did you know I dreamt about you before we met?
Remembering our first kiss, it hadn't even happened yet
Recollecting your scent, and I wasn't ever given the chance to forget
I guess that's the magic of it
Now every rehashed subject's displaying what I wrote
on cafe napkins to the public
to get it over and done with, closure hath cometh
My shoulders have plummeted from holding these buckets
Hold your laughs till I go back to the tunnels of Paris
where I wrote half of these paragraphs... but fuck it

This is to my ten year story, in another decade
you better be better prepared for me
in the first four years, you were all ears
then the next six, you left me for the next ex
and went deaf to my message

So that began my affair with the world abroad
Behind the curtain with the other hurtful girls I explored
Until I became the monster, turning to the words that I record
Pardon me, if you heard it all before
"I didn't shake you to hurt you"
when you landed on the floor
In a room of naked virtue
I closed my eyes to cancel what I saw
Your hand made the first move to the handle of the drawer
where the frail girl couldn't think to live
"I didn't shake you to hurt you"
I never planned it before
I can't shake off your perfume, can't wash my hands no more
and I'm breaking my curfew, but I can't walk
I'm standing at the door, I hear the wailing of a little kid
...and the failure of innocence
His compromise eyeing the side of the kitchen sink
What'you think, I just let you cut you, cut me-- cut the bullshit
Damn, I love the hugs enough to tolerate
the way we made each other crazy, making it so tough to operate productively
my self esteem didn't help when I felt ugly
and I figured that's the reason why you wouldn't touch me
My ego does bleed, I should've let you test it
and let your arms free to follow through with your domestic slip up
Love is a battlefield so lick your shots quick
while I lick my wounds and then resume as an obvious target
Infatuations with the past protect my Purple Heart with
a faded picture I had in my shirt pocket
I'm going out with a bang..
in a blaze of glory holes, the anti-hero
I don't care how many ways the story's told
Be careful when these doolies play like drums
and watch what you foolishly say, because my uzi weighs a tongue..

This is to the sleepless evenings that I spent next to grave stones
Hoping someone from beyond would grab my arm and take me home
I half accepted I'd have to make it alone
after feeding everything I had into a payphone
and this is to the rain..
It felt like it was made of spit
My parade was an unbreakable chain of Gabe's trumpets
Save the buckets even though they weighed down my walking
You don't know the height of the steak you place your fork in
You look old (that's what you said)
I feel old (that's what I said)
I been through a lot since you been gone, dead, born again
torn to shreads over girls who were porcelain
the cry-baby dolls, when we were allowed to talk again
I stopped accepting wake-up calls (that ring true)
I hate the way I fall for everything you do
Our fate is flawed, that's why I make these break-up songs to sing to you
Musics my only psychiatric drug
And you're a pill in human form I'd like to hide under my tongue
Kiss the foot that couldn't fit into the slipper of my mouth
The denizen in your house begging for the benifit of your doubts
When I got kicked out, I played the faithful puppy dog
Loyal to the love alost, sitting by your fucking door in utter disbelief
I sucked all of the skin off of my teeth
you pulled away, you let me choke on your invisible leash
You can find me hiding these screams behind my eyelids
She blinded me (she blinded me) with silence..
So my air-mail lips blew her a fairwell kiss
Slinking over the sink, where all the hair gel drips
Stairwells dip deep into her mouth where I found a cycle
and ever since then, I've been on a downward spiral
this round is final, it's time to recover
because it's a porch that some dogs choose to die under
the first song was a breakdown, I apologize in round two
this version im certain, this shit ain't even about you
It's the threewrite.."

Cheated

"I've never not cheated on test!"

"That's nice to tell your mother..."

Gold

this isn't unconditional love

it's something different and a little above

and i know it sounds absurd

but i feel like we're communicating

never saying a word

Glimpse

Dictionary: glimpse (glĭmps)

Home > Library > Literature & Language > Dictionary

n.

1. A brief, incomplete view or look.
2. Archaic. A brief flash of light.

v., glimpsed, glimps·ing, glimps·es.

v.tr.

To obtain a brief, incomplete view of.

v.intr.

To look briefly; glance: glimpsed at the headlines.

Higher Power

if there is a god, he wants me to be independent. or at the very least he wants me generally by myself.

Year

I really enjoy when my friend does this,

so here is me, one year ago exactly.

Funny what has changed,

but how I still manage to look exactly the same.

Driving Home

From one of the harder days I can recall, and blood starts gushing from my nose, onto my lap.

I Think That

(This cold is really getting to me.)

Dictionary: de·feat (dĭ-fēt')

Home > Library > Literature & Language > Dictionary

tr.v., -feat·ed, -feat·ing, -feats.

1. To win victory over; beat.
2. To prevent the success of; thwart: Internal strife defeats the purpose of teamwork.
3. Law. To make void; annul.

n.

1. The act of defeating or state of being defeated.
2. Failure to win.
3. A coming to naught; frustration: the defeat of a lifelong dream.
4. Law. The act of making null and void.

Why I Come Here

"I don't know why I come here."

You were talking about coming to my house.

I changed the sentence just enough before it processed in my brain so that it didn't hurt upon belief.

"Dream" - An In-Class Essay

This, much like the entirety of all my school work, is not to be taken seriously.

(Keep in mind I got a 10/10 on this assignment, and strongly believe that the lack-of-teacher's-comments is the result of a lack-of-teacher-comprehension.)

The American Dream I believe is something nearly everyone desires, yet nearly no one obtains. You may wonder why something so vague and seemingly hopeless, is at the same time so terribly wanted, and almost needed by so many. The reason would be because underneath all the "fluff" and apparent nonsense there lies something everyone world-wide longs for; happiness.

The American Dream can be easily broken down into parts, the first (and possibly easiest to create) is the appearance (and sometimes reality) of success, money and stature. Happiness to many Americans is a big home, a big TV and a big lifestyle. The media, along with plenty of other outlets has lead America to believe that those things are more than normal, but actually essential to happiness, and further more, perfection.

Another category of importance is the home-life-style/family portion of life. Traditional perfect home-life and a perfect marriage with nearly perfect children is attempted to be created. This dream alone is dramatically unrealistic when more than half of these families will unfortunately end in divorce (which could also easily change the financial state).

Lastly, but the most vital aspects of The American Dream, the almost "back-bone" are happiness and perfection. Once everything is in place, these said families expect to be immediately rewarded with permanent and unbeatable satisfaction; perfection. What makes the so-called American Dream is the unsaid ending result that will never be. It is true that material things such as houses or even electronics can make a person happier, but the question it all really comes down to is: can real happiness and true perfection come from this foggy life known as The American Dream? That cannot be answered, or should not be answered by anyone else, for anyone else. So whether or not the dream is based on a false story or a fake made-up to make money, what it really comes down to is what it actually is.

What is fact is that The American Dream is more than frequently desired, yet so rarely accurately created. Perfection and happiness are made from within, so if this lifestyle is replicated by the right person, the desired outcome I believe could, and would be reached.

Felt

"I FELT HER BROKEN HEART,

AND IT BROKE MY HEART"

Space

I am absolutely in love with the feeling of driving alone,

and knowing what song I would like to hear (and no other song matters),

and having the ability to find that song and put it on,

and I can turn the volume up as loud as I would like,

and my space can be exactly how I want it, and the roads are uncrowded,

and all the thoughts that constantly plague me vanish temporality

and leave me singing and content, sometimes with the wind

and sometimes with a quiet song and no other sounds.

Back

Back when I saw something more when I looked at you than what you've done (and not done) to me.

Change

"Have you ever tried to change something? It's hard."

P.S.

"I really like you, but I can't be the invisible man. I'm tired of being the shoulder, I wanna be another body part you need, you know? I wanna be the bad guy, I want a woman to go crazy over me, and then I wanna use her up, until she's ruined for another man."

-P.S., I Love You

Percentage

thirty nine percent of people strongly believe that they will never become yet another statistic.

Dirt

You can treat me like complete dirt.

You just have to apologize afterwards.

All I Have

All I Have Is My Memory; The Most Important Thing.

Wait

I don't do anything for myself that someone else could do for me.

Untitled

You told me once that in school you used to try to get the text books off of the shelf that I used previously.

i still love you.

Whiner

Sea of emotion diver

Designated driver

Absolute nothing for hire

Over time

Lost the fire

Cross-wired

Years on end of

Tired

At Least I'd Come Alone

"There was no way I could have disguised the abyss I was plunging into now. How could I have explained the way I was fracturing into pieces, the way I had to curl into a ball to keep the empty hole from tearing me apart? It was so much better that I didn't have an audience."

"So maybe her plan was flawed--apparently it wouldn't be the revenge she imagined, since you must not mean very much to him if he left you here unprotected."

"That was a bit much for me. I'd cried myself to sleep over this boy. His harsh rejection had punched a painful new hole in what was left of my chest. He'd left a new nightmare behind him, like an infection in a sore--the insult after the injury. And now he was here in my room, smirking at me as if none of that had passed."

"I protected the secret out of love; unrequited, but true."

"Love didn't work that way, I decided. Once you cared about a person, it was impossible to be logical about them anymore. "

"I had a million questions for him. One of them bubbled to my lips now, but I held my tongue. I didn't want to ruin the moment, as imperfect as in was, here in the room that made me sick, under the eyes of the would-be monster."

"Here in his arms, it was so easy to fantasize that he wanted me. I didn't want to think of his motivations now... Maybe the time apart had been enough that I didn't bore him for the moment. But it didn't matter. I was so much happier pretending. I lay quiet in his arms, re-memorizing his face, pretending..."

Conflicting

Dictionary: con·flict (kŏn'flĭkt')

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n.

1. A state of open, often prolonged fighting; a battle or war.
2. A state of disharmony between incompatible or antithetical persons, ideas, or interests; a clash.
3. Psychology. A psychic struggle, often unconscious, resulting from the opposition or simultaneous functioning of mutually exclusive impulses, desires, or tendencies.