Nothing is Wrong

nothing is wrong, i would just rather be with this blanket than anyone else in the world. 
i am sick, okay? four out of these five nights i've had the windows rolled down in the front and i was in the back seat trying to distract myself from the piercing cold air blowing on my bare skin. if you talk about something enough maybe it will go away. but i don't believe in that, i believe the more you talk about something the more you build it up for yourself and turn it into something fake and distant, intangible, even though it never had to be. it's hard to think that some things in life, those little totally insignificant things, are actually insignificant and mean nothing. whenever i am thinking that i still secretly tell myself that they will add up to something later in life. just to get me through i guess. just like hypothetical situations, i sit around thinking about them all day long, not even in my life, other people's who i have never met. it's like when someone once told me that there are all these people in the world and "odds are it's happened to someone!" that awe and wonder i felt towards that thought never faded, i'll always be amazed and entertained by it. i listen to the same songs over and over, it's like when you have a shirt or something that reminds you of someone and no one knows it except for you and so you wear it as much as you can get away with and just soak in that feelings of reminiscing privately. i read somewhere yesterday how foolish it is to believe that hope is more than a phase someone grows out of, and i disagree completely. but i want someone who will put their neck on the line for me because they are so in-the-moment, but at the exact same time back away when they knew that's what i wanted. i hate the word awkward more than anything and if i didn't hear it for a few years my life would be 100 percent better. and why is it that you have to give something up to have something less than that? all i know is that when i am around you i can feel everything. like EVERYTHING is heightened; my blood in my body, my muscles in my face, the hair on my knees. this is all just wanting something out of my power. and by all i mean all. i make mistakes, i say too much, i say too little, never the right amount, ever. maybe this is the right amount. awkward.