Coy

It's fucking self absorbed, but I need people around who make me feels okay with the way in which I want things to be. I don't want to feel guilty for wanting more, or feeling every aspect of everything. It's like once you really come to terms, and face the way you are, so ingrained, you have to let those ugly and undesirable things flourish. And I've seen some lurid aspects of self, as well as others, blossom into something good, so unexpectedly. I want my surroundings to nourish the things that cannot change, challenge the things that need growth and can, and accept and maybe even like those animalistic, emotional, melodramatic, messy, convoluted things that either make absolutely no sense at all, or far too much. I haven't spoken to my dad in so long, I called him today after work, he didn't know that I had a job, he told me that. He overly apologized in the same tone and manner that I do, it was sincere, but too reflective to be anything else. My dad told me that he did not try to see me because he felt as though he was imposing, his words. He felt overbearing, and did not want to bother me. I believed he forgot that I existed, and the point of all this was that I saw myself, sick. The heaviness is just in my head, which is precisely the problem. Someone repeat to me that it is okay to want what I want. Anyone teach me a normalcy I am terrified I may never know. I want so much that I will never ask for.