End It All

I should have killed myself like I thought to last night.

This is what I thought when I woke up, the moment that I did.
Last night I decided it was the perfect night to end it all, it made sense to.
Reasons:
I was more a burden than a person.
Things were slightly better, somewhat okay, which made it awful.
I had cramps and was sick.
It felt like my last chance, the most opportune time.

Turns out I did not kill myself. My brother called and I talked to him on the phone until I fell asleep.

I dreamt about Kevin from work, and was having a phone conversation with him. I dreamt about drinking beer, and hotels, and Victoria, and my family, Kayla, and just about everything. I woke up and could only reflect on dreaming about you. Only later did I figure out that I had seen a picture of you before I fell asleep, and that it upset me, disturbed me enough to create such a disarming dream. You were lying on a bed, I must have been nearby on the ground, and none of it made sense because we were in what looked like the middle of a parking lot. You and I were talking, and things were happy and good. You told me that I could come lay with you, but I did not want you to know that I wanted to, and was fine sitting on the floor, so I declined. I thought about that dream. You asked me two more times throughout the conversation and after the third, I crawled in next to you. I had my hand on your legs and we were laughing and you were telling me personal stories as you do, and I felt good and close to you. A middle-aged woman with brown, wavy hair walked by, (in what looked like the Mikuni's parking lot) and yelled at us about lesbianism, and we both knew we weren't lesbians, but you yelled back at her something like "what if we are? we don't care and it doesn't matter." I was glad you stood up for us or something, and she walked off, and it didn't matter and we didn't care. 

I woke up feeling like shit, more my body than my mind.
It wasn't being in a bed with you, then waking up freezing and alone with a messed up sheet, and stomach cramps. It was how my body felt maybe, and the dread that inevitably accompanies waking up. I wondered if I was going to go into work, I wondered about my dream, and packing, and coffee, and food, and phone calls, and emails, and people, and what it all meant. What a terrifying talk I had with my mom last night. Time is nothing and signing a year lease shouldn't be a big deal, because a year is like a month, and I have nowhere to go anyway. I put cocoa powder in my coffee and it tasted weird. I ate watermelon to mellow my stomach aching, I took zicam and DM, I waited to take IB profen. I need to pack, I would rather work. I need to iron, but was glad I did laundry last night. This struggle is so watered down, simple and boring, what am I waiting for anymore? Lizz is gone and I am scared to see her. Jillian said she is coming thursday. I forgot how to pack things, I forgot how to get energy, or what it means to have it. I scrape by, and dread the 10-3 again.