What Could I Do For You

I thought that it was such an interesting choice of word, respect. It's true, I've just never seen it like that before. How do you try your hardest not to overbear a person, while simultaneously not offending them by making them seem easily overwhelmed? How do you play it cool but not coy, or distant? The lines got so fine and my insanity blurs everything so much that I could not decipher what I was looking at, I was unable to act at all. I just cannot help thinking how you had an out, and not just that people usually take them, but that you had the right to. From this point of view your life seems put together, in a good place, it seems really full and it is. I'm a bleeding wound, no goals but to suck you dry for the sake of depth, and it's self-seeking, and it's tiresome. I mull over and over all the reasons to keep me around, I tell myself it isn't the guilt of leaving. You told me that life has ups and downs (and this is something that I have a hard time facing). You said I wasn't really around when things got real bad for you, which made me feel like I'm (purposefully) around for the good times. Then we played back some memories, different but not disimilar. I tell myself that you know I'd lay there listening to you breathe, I'd pick up the phone any time of day or night. Why do we worry? Is this the basis of the problem? What (really) makes a person worry? I think you keep me around for the longevity of this (the history). You told me that you didn't believe I wanted to be sad, you said with such conviction I still wanted to be happy, too, it made me feel so much better but I would never tell you that. I cannot wrap my mind around you wanting a two and a half hour phone conversation of whines and whimpers, than no call at all. You said if we had these conversations more frequently (with me fighting and crying) it wouldn't be such a big deal, it made me not understand what you want. It was abundantly clear that I wanted to make a mess, want nothing more. I wrack my brain, why why why? Maybe I don't have to know, and maybe we can both worry, and both pacify that worry. I cannot fathom a world in which you benefit from having me in yours, and I am sorry that I don't believe you, and all I have ever learned is that love is not enough. Maybe we will prove that wrong. You held my hand in the back of the car for no reason at all and it made me feel not so fucking bad.