Same Row

We were the only two in the row, I was self conscious that she thought I chose it for that reason. The movie was coming to an end, I could hear that she was crying, really crying, it became that gasping for air, and I knew it, but I was not crying. The couple in front of us could hear her, but she couldn't contain it. I could not help but attempt to figure out what set her off, triggered her. I wondered about her life, her siblings, and family. I knew but one thing, that she had the gnawing feeling that I had too. It was life-long and as terrible as it gets, but there is a solidarity in that. I wanted so badly to be one of those people who could reach out, who could say anything. I came up with a few words I thought would be nice to hear if I was alone and bawling at a matinee of something sold as a comedy. I got the feeling that maybe she struggled with suicidal thoughts, and she figured that she was over all of it, but that jabbing doesn't cease and she was forced to face that, again. I wanted to sit by her, didn't want to leave her alone like that, didn't want to look over at her wet face, but I did. Just as if I hadn't cried alone at a matinee because someone I love wants to die, or I did. I got up and walked away, I looked for her in the bathroom. I wondered if she was the type of woman to clean up her face before walking through the hallway with all the people and the daylight. As I exited the theater, there she was, the dark hair, red and yellow floral dress, I looked at her hard trying to understand. I wanted to see that she knew people around, but she didn't and neither did I. I looked at her legs a while, and they were heavily scarred, I wondered if this contributed to her sadness, I knew she didn't scar them herself, didn't think so, but couldn't put together how they got there. She turned around and saw me standing there helpless, and lost-looking, I glanced around and walked to my car, she crossed the street, and probably went to her own car. I am not sure what she was going to do after that, I hoped the movie didn't upset her in a long-term sort of way. I sat in my car silently, with it running for a while. Sometimes you feel a person's ache and there aren't words for that, cause it's so universal that we are alone that we are isolated inside of it. It doesn't make sense but it is. I wish that I could have smiled at her, told her I know what it's like to worry like that, that concern could eat you alive, some nights you want to let it, sometimes you do. I went to the grocery store and a homeless man with a newspaper yelled at me for quite some time, making sure I smiled.