I wanted to be like a tree; something that needed nothing. The wind affects a tree, and a tree appreciates water in the form of rain, a tree is not dependent on other trees, it relies on its own roots and branches.


I am sitting at dinner with lizz, we're seated at the bar, because we do not care about those sort of things, we agree that the chairs are comfortable, and we are in alameda because we are happy there, at least to my understanding.
I am attempting to be normal, while dangerously teetering on the fine line between selfish, and codependent. On the way there she critiques my driving, outside she says that she is cold. Before we go she makes a comment about how long it takes us to find a restaurant, but I love the antidotes she tells me when it's just us two, I am always so grateful when no one else is there, maybe she shares stories like this even when we are in a group, maybe it doesn't feel special enough. 
My phone vibrates and the unknown number catches my eye under the table, soon after comes the romantic dread washing over me completely, upon realizing it's her.
This is my new number in case you needed it
 in case you needed it
 in case you needed it
 in case you needed it
 in case you needed it
 in case you needed it
 in case you needed it
 in case you needed it
 in case you needed it
 in case you needed it
 in case you needed it
 in case you needed it
 in case you needed it
 in case you needed it
 in case you needed it
 in case you needed it
 in case you needed it in case you needed it
 in case you needed it

I am flushed with shame; the needing.
Feigning normalcy is taken to another level, if I thought that I was trying to keep my head above water before..
The not explaining kills me, and instantaneously I am a million (318) miles away. I do my best, we both are.


Here is a list of pros and cons (mostly for my therapist) re: moving back home

pros-
i get to quit my job
all my friends are there and i would always be doing something
i would save money by not paying rent/paying for anything
dylan is there and we would basically live together
i would get to leave my apartment
jillian

cons-
my pride
lizz
missing bay area stuff
having to quit my job
would get stuck in town/really hard to move 
everyone in town is an alcoholic and sucks
would be unemployed
both my parents are there
would be in transit/all my shit would be packed
social anxiety
austin and jacob and mallory
abandoning therapy and progress made here