Recaps

thursday i was at work and snapped my friend brittany that i was coming to dinner with her, her fiance, and her brother. she snapped back to confirm, and i planned to go home quickly after work, leave there at around 4pm, and arrive in san jose at about 5pm. i was a bit nervous only because i had gotten a flat tire wednesday, but i went to the city on a delivery thursday and the tire plug held up. i'd never met satori, brittany's fiance, but i knew i would like him. when i got home i changed from one cardigan to another, put my septum in for whatever reason, and left for sj. i called her when i was a block away, then proceeded to get lost for a good amount of time while still on the phone. the three of them were sitting/standing on the curb and had been waiting for me, then we went inside and hung out for a while. brittany and i caught up, mostly on work and family, a few old friends and stories, sat was quiet but listening, and i predictably valued that about him. we went to trader joe's (for hard alcohol but with a grocery list) which was comical, then went to go get pho at a place they said they had been before, somewhere between japantown and downtown sj. in the car i thought about how brittany had told me the day before to move there, and i realized as i often do, that i could not. from their apartment i had sent jillian a picture of their fridge to let her know where i was, but mostly she was confused by its vagueness. i snapped her a picture of sat's apron on my lap in his car and she said what she gathered from that was that i just got a job at starbucks. i ordered fresh rolls for everyone, and we all got soup, which was made with ramen noodles but was tasty. emerson didn't talk, and i asked sat about coffee. brittany and satori agreed that the only movie they had seen in theaters in two years was the lego movie, which they also agreed was worth it. on the drive home brittany told satori to drive straight, and go the long way home through japantown, it was cute, which i yelled from the back seat, and i was appreciative brittany remembered to show me, and told her so. when we got back to their apartment i explained i was leaving to study for my final exam, and didn't explain that i was maybe a little sad i wasn't going to "party" with them; in the moment it seemed like something i would enjoy. we made plans for them to visit me in oakland, and i drove home somewhere around 9pm. friday work was hard, and overly personal, and i can't help but get everything in my life all muddled up with the immense sensitivity i feel towards it. i had my first negative work meeting, and grew increasingly anxious to leave. lance said i should get out of here, so i told him that helped me a lot because i was visiting home this weekend (wouldn't have to wait until 6-7 for rush hour to end). i finished all the posters/banners for the guy across the street, walked them over there, and we talked about fixing my car, i feel like a child when i tell someone my dad is going to pay for something, but i feel rich when i tell someone that i am going to, it's difficult to decide which feels worse. i rush home, pack my bags hurriedly, and speed off towards colfax. i was a bit unsettled that i hadn't spoken with jillian about our plan, like we had hoped to. she and i were wanting to do a random weekend getaway, possibly a hotel in the city, or drive somewhere cool, anywhere but my morbid apartment. i snap catherine, i listen to the radio, i get stuck in traffic, i call jillian. she calls back and i explain that i cannot go home this weekend, but i can't be in oakland, so i told catherine i am taking over her weekend and staying at her place with her and (her cat) luna. catherine is up for anything, and jillian understands why i am doing that, she tells me about her night prior (with catherine), and delves into the sickness she is feeling, resulting in her being unable to drive. i suggested picking her up, and we decide that's the best idea. i will take her with me to catherine's, and we needed no plan for the weekend, it was too hard. lizz texts me and asks if i was going to town later, i wrote back "i am staying with catherine in colfax until i feel better", she said to have fun, and i thought fun was a weird word. at arco, i see that catherine is at her parent's house in alta sierra, hanging out with her little brother. soon after jillian snaps that she is going to say hi to alex, and that when i arrive at her house she "like will not" be there. panic feels my body that my two friends i were so sure would take total care of me did not comprehend the significance of this weekend/day, i felt sad, and neglected, and texted jillian i was going to starbucks. jillian says she wants a grande iced coffee with soy milk, and i know i'm going to get something with coconut milk (britt and sat informed me this is a new option). i want something huge, so order a venti iced coffee with two add shots and coconut milk and tiramisu syrup. i feel ridiculous so i tip the girl working. she asks if i am sure about the tip, which made me see that my habit of asking "are you sure" after anyone does anything nice for me is unattractive, i remind myself to stop that. i drink my coffee in one gulp, and jillian says she'll be home cleaning out her car. i drive up (after passing lisa standing outside her house on the road), and jillian's crv has all four doors open. we talked, i sit in the back, ask if i can help, then give her shit for changing the plan. she swears that she never sent a text saying she was not going to be home when i was driving there to get her. she said she had han's wallet she needed to drop at alex's. i show her the conversation "when you get here i like won't be" and my response "k". we laugh really hard about it and she doesn't seem to have any recollection, although it upset me, which i say that i remember. dick comes out from the garage, and starts pressing jillian about her expired registration. immediately she's flushed with rage, and starts yelling about how she already told him that she already went to the dmv. i cannot control my laughter, watching them, and her. he remains adamant, and tells me its a good idea to have her tape the proof of purchase on the back window. she feels smothered and starts screaming at him to leave her the fuck alone because he is a fucking freak, which she repeats over and over. i don't feel any uncomfortability, and when jillian shoots me a dirty look, commanding me to stop laughing (due to the seriousness of the situation) i laugh more. she's calm again, as instantaneously as she was furious, and she said i didn't know the whole story, tells me the whole story, then we go to see her mom in bed to give her some of jillian's coffee. i love gwyn, dick, and jillian so much, it's insane. we drive to catherine's and i am grateful to have a car ride with jillian (always). maps comes on the radio, and jillian says we've listened to maps so many times in the worst conditions. she warned me before i got her that she was going to cry, but she didn't, and i didn't either. and we get to catherine's, and sat in the car a lot longer than normal, as we always do. we talk with catherine (about her sexcapades, upcoming trip to vegas, and advances from boys we know), play with luna, watch movie trailers, and yelp food (i retell the event of jillian's FUCKING FREAK freakout, happy to see she now finds it as amusing as i did). we drive to mexican in auburn even though they were both sick/hungover, and dinner was good/hilarious. i bought a thousand stickers with catherine's quarters from the vending machine, and we texted andy the whole while. catherine reminds us andy told her they were from "two different worlds", after andy tells me that he never gave her enough credit. i told andy things were really bad and i was getting to the point i warned him about years ago where i need to stay with him to recoup, he said things were equally hard/negative there and to come any time. "you need a 2015 austin". we all feel great about a sleepover at catherine's, so all pile in her queen bed (didn't see a movie because jillian wanted to see chappie, and i am boycotting fifty shades). catherine says she wants the left side of the bed near the wall, jillian says she wants to be middle, and i said i have to be outside. i thought it was something how that worked out. they told me to pick any movie on amazon/netflix since they would be falling asleep momentarily. i had taken sleeping pills, though, so knew i wouldn't finish anything myself. i turn on a really obscure james franco movie that was free on amazon, and we all laugh at it until i am asleep. i wake up during the night with my throat so sore i could barely swallow, find jillian's water bottle, drink it, brush my teeth and miraculously fall back asleep. we all sleep in until 10 something, which was amazing, and waking up to a cat is the best. also a bed with two of your closest friends. jillian tells us she finished the bizarre movie, and they both asked if they snored, which they both did. jillian finishes the french press catherine started, and i finish the pop tarts she started. our only plan remained going tanning and getting our nails done, which seemed manageable. we go to awful annie's for breakfast, and i eat way too much food. catherine watches me and jillian get a manicure, then drives us all to tropical tans. when we get back to catherine's we come up with the stupid idea to go to the mall, which jillian (i think) makes a reality, and catherine deciding to neglect vegas packing says she's in. we go to the galleria and it was absurd (jillian runs into monica, i see no one, thank god). we get back to catherine's that night and i leave to hang out with dylan, and drop jililan at home. dylan and i sit and talk for a while on his couch, and i ate the apple sauce that he made, for my dinner. soon i am so tired/sick from allergies or something that i admit that i have to go to bed. i go to the studio, which was awful (should have stayed w dylan), and watch girls and looking and wait for the sleeping pills to somewhat-work. i wake up sick, and shower in the house in my dad's shower (not a life i plan on living any time soon), then go to breakfast with dylan at this retirement home type frumpy place called paulette's kitchen. dylan wanted to go to ike's but i explained i couldn't been seen in nevada city because i felt too badly. he reprimanded me that i must "pay my dues", said i have to go to the mineshaft when i am visiting. i said i felt most bad about alex, he said she would find out. i got a scramble with red skin potatoes in it, and dark rye toast. it was very nostalgic and dylan wasn't bummed which was super nice/surprising considering where we were. he thinks i should travel, i told him all i want is to settle. breakfast was great, then i met jillian at tropical tan again. i went for 15 minutes, then we went to summerthyme's cafe for a while. i watched her eat a croissant with a lot of cream cheese, eggs, and avocado (no judgement). we shared a coconut-date rice milk smoothie. she recommended empire mine for our walk, which was a cool idea, so we drove there next and had a solid talk, in the car about austin, me, lizz, and on the trail about ourselves, our future, all of our friends still in nevada city. jillian and austin had been talking about me which i didn't know, he was angry i came to town and didn't tell him, last time, which i also did not know. (jillian tells me earnestly to trust/depend on absolutely no one. when i concure, she admits that it's sad to her). at the creek she said we will come up with a plan for our lives that works well for us both, not knowing where to move or what to do, i assumed she gathered my desperation, i hoped she knew that i wanted to help her, too. end of april, that's when she'll know (schools). it dawned upon me that i could potentially be moving to chico in the near future, funny how life is like that. we go to empire market which i grew up at and jillian had never been to, i text victoria that i'm there, then say goodbye to jililan at her car at tropical (never have i or will i have such a healthy/prolific friendship). & all of a sudden i am en route back to oakland. the drives back have been so... weird, this year. really really intense, and a lot worse than the ride to (almost always resulting in me sequestering myself away for days on end. [much too introspective]). i text lizz some stupid shit, then get stuck in really awful traffic i thought that i would be avoiding. nothing is on the radio and i feel the weekend's high fading just a bit. i get home, put all my stuff down, and get a text from calvin asking if i would come to dinner, and they would love to see me, then texts me saying they miss me. i feel happy, and grateful for the timing, so aloe my sunburn, put my wrinkled clothes in the dryer, then drive to cato's. lizz texted too asking if i wanted to watch girls, saying that they did. i assumed ronnie and alex. i said i did, but have dinner at 730. she asks who i am going with, i tell her who, and she responds with "whoa". i start to reply that i can't be alone right now but send nothing. i leave victoria a message outside the restaurant/bar because i am a bit early. sarah and calvin pull up and i couldn't be happier than scott and alexi did not arrive first. we sit, and then i get a beet salad with chicken and apple cider beer. it was seven dollars and i tipped two. scott/alexi show up so late that it hardly counts, and i always have such a nice/positive time with sarah and or calvin. following a snide remark (of mine), sarah asks how austin and i are doing and if we're talking, she tells me he felt abruptly and responded that i knew that (she said she's worried about drugs, and i finish her sentence..). i told sarah i am counting on moving with jillian in six months, the second person i've told since lizz. she asks if that was dependable, and i didn't admit that it was not only what i wanted but all i've got. i leave at 840 and go to lizz's. walking up the steps i realize that the girls could be there, and i never know who will be in the living room, but it's colin, holly, terra and lizz. i'm still in a good mood, but don't feel weird, although do always try to be even less weird so lizz doesn't think i feel any weird, or doesn't feel weird herself. we watch girls, then looking, after lizz jokes about colfax, and we get in a fake fight about really irrelevant people. i try not to take it personally when she no longer wants to sit next to me. i wanted to talk to holly more, but we pretty much watch girls, then looking and that's it. and alex never came and ronnie was studying. i wait for the girls to leave to leave, even though i was thinking about studying, myself, and lizz hugs me goodbye after we laugh in the street for a while at a stranger saying something out of his car window, and she says she'll talk to me tomorrow. i knew we wouldn't speak of my texts, and wished that meant i'd learned my lesson. at home i am exhausted but wide awake, and don't fall asleep until about 330 (the v earliest). i felt sick, and hot, and scared and sad. i regretted very much not taking any form of sleeping pills, knowing better that i had to. i finally fell asleep with a throat losenge, succumbing to yet another emotionally-driven cold. work is fine, i wrote this, a man with a heavy accent named michael called me about checking my place for bedbugs (i actually answered my phone), i was skeptical he worked for the county, because of his tone, but told him i would meet him after work on wednesday. he said that if i had done the heat treatment twice i likely no longer had them, i was pissed and am now convinced everyone is out to get me in this life. so monday (today) after work i have my final, tuesday i get car work done & deal with the mechanics some more, wednesday i get inspected, and thurs i have kaiser (never rly alone but not in a good way). jillian said she wants to go to come to oakland fri or sat, so not sure what this coming weekend holds at all. i hope to stay at catherine's more often, since she's a grounded/unemotional person i get along well with, and i love her lil house/apt a lot. sarah asked if i can last six months, i told her honestly i wasn't sure.

jillian just texted me that she went to paulette's.