How I'm Composed

i guess i believed i'd fall far from this family tree
a group of people sick to their stomach with nerves and neuroses
myself


all deriving from my dead beat-ing a horse dad
reminding me the same thing as often as he was able
that he was never capable of loving me


or my mom, moving to an island 
just to physically display her isolation from us
you always believe your parents
even and especially when they tell you you aren't able to do things
like laugh that i can't ride an airplane, or bicycle 


with you
it was all so sensory, i was able to feel it then, how i knew it would end - cold turkey
like the day after thanksgiving
realizing we'll probably never have another holiday together again


like my ability and tendency to lose hold of everything 
once it means something
and how i can hardly one night stand that any more


or the drinks, weed, and pills, everything i swore off and avoided
sticking to me like magnets
this is all the opposite of what i wanted