Alternatively

"Resurrection 
To dream that you or someone is resurrected from the dead suggests that you will eventually overcome your current obstacles to achieve your goals. It signals an awakening of your spirituality and renewed energy. Alternatively, the dream indicates that the same old problems are coming back to haunt you because they were not properly addressed or dealt with in the first place."



"Hands 
To dream of your hands represent your relationships with those around you and how you connect with the world. Hands serve as a form of communication and can represent authority, hate, protection, justice, etc depending on the gesture. Perhaps you need to lend a helping hand to someone. If someone else is giving you a helping hand, then it implies your need for help. Do not be afraid to ask for assistance or to depend on others from time to time. Moreover, the left hand symbolizes your graciousness and your feminine, receptive qualities, while the right hand symbolizes the masculine and active attributes. The right hand may also be a pun for some decision or something being "right". If you dream that your hands are detached or see disembodied hands, then it indicates that you are not getting your point of view across. You are not being understood or someone is not understanding you. The dream may also symbolize feelings of loneliness. If you see disembodied baby hands in your dream, then it points to your maternal eagerness or your desires to feel needed.

To dream that you are holding hands with someone represent love, affection and your connection with that person. Your dream may also reflect anxieties about losing touch with him/her or that you are drifting apart."

Fever Dream

I am not going to retell this entire dream, only what I took from it. First, I should start by saying that I fell asleep, and was dreaming in my dream, an intricate one, with a complex storyline that involved the beach. The dream ended with sand in my nose, I was trying to get it out for several minutes, but could not. You and our friend woke me up, I was in this room on this bed, but curled up towards the bottom. I recall being in a very deep sleep, and thinking that when I looked up at you, remembering that we had plans. I was embarrassed, and very much wished that I had not slept so late. I looked up at the clock, it was 1:47pm. I told you both about my dream, and how long I tried to get rid of all that sand. The rest of the dream was stupid, and I stayed in bed. Your small hand was on my upper stomach next to mine. Our friends exited the room, and then you did too. I felt far from you, and quietly sort of desperate. The strangest part was looking down at your hand, it remained there, warm, still, and small. I wondered how you did that. I could hear you all in the other room, but could not myself move. Needing you, and caring for you, I figured I would err on doing what I very much wanted to, and I laced our fingers, but you did back, this made me happy. I wondered about your arm being attached. But was thankful. 

Sam opened my door, and I awoke, for the second time, in the same spot I was dreaming. I could feel each layer of how far deep I was, and came to bemused. "Are you still alive?"

Dark, I Know

The last time that we spoke, my initiation, there was an unusual delivery failure. I, of course, deduced without a doubt that this was god, attempting to save me. I then remembered that there is no god, and waited longingly for your response. I liked our conversation, more than anyone will ever know. You said some things that it is unclear whether they were intended to entertain me, or to get a response, some things never change. I fell asleep before you, (for the sake of feigned sanity) I will chalk that up to coincidence. My first year of college I learned (very near close to nothing that is with me today) a fact, one sentence, in a sea of millions, that was nothing more than a snippet a teacher must have thrown in for fun. I think about this idea, the planted seed, just about every single day since. When recovering from severe depression, a person is far less likely at rock bottom to commit suicide, statistically, most attempts are made just subsequent of turning the corner. This teacher described the period of time as just when you are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, or right when you finally come up for air. Most people are very much mistaken in their belief that death is most desired when a human is at their very lowest, she explained that a person will end their life, when they see it as it really were.

Did You Not Believe

"You erased yourself from the universe and left me as the last to know
You were sick and selfish and sad and I hope you are finally content
I fought the battle for your sister but I didn't fight for you
Did you not believe I only wanted to go to sleep? x 2
I wish you had let me read that newspaper alone on the tar
You said you I have a disease that keeps me from you
You said you couldn't find a connection in me

I can see you in the Stafford Avenue living room on the floor with spaghetti sauce
I can see us making trouble
I can see us crying under the bushses
I can see you nowhere and see inside your eyes

Do you see yourself not looking at me?
Do you see yourself when you could only look at me?
6th and Washington saw the decline and disintegration

Thank you for lying with me and looking at my veins
Thank you for taking me somewhere else when I couldn't breathe
Thank you for answering your phone when I couldn't sleep
Thanks for hiding me in the garden and the hospital beds
Thanks for watching me seize
Thanks for keeping me

I can see you on the playground, in the alleys, on the stairway

near the fire, under the red light, and on the couch when I woke up.

Will anyone mean more to me?"

 "sign now 
 in preparation"

Positive Thoughts!

I am grateful that my brother has been doing well, and that he called to tell me that his practicing has been paying off in all that he has been doing. I am grateful that my mom's health has been taking care of, and my dad still has his house right now. I am grateful that Sam and I have been connecting lately, he's been opening up more in a not weird way, and that he wanted to get breakfast with just me yesterday, and that we did. I am grateful for Austin just being the very best, and somehow not loathing me at this point. I am grateful that Scott and I are in a place where I feel nothing, but we can still watch movies and make our soup. I am grateful that I see Chris, and Lizz, every single week, for what and how Lizz is doing, and all of the things I have been lucky enough to have Chris share with, and teach me. I am so grateful for my friends that I think of and miss every single day, Victoria, Jillian, Alex, Alexandra, Frankie, and all those whom I know think of me too, and I am thankful for that. My apartment, how comforting my room is, finally, the back deck, when people stay, Mike, for everything his done, like forcing me to let him take my tire. I am grateful for my job, how sweet and patient Jeff is, and his sense of humor I never pick up on. All that Seth does for me, to "keep us employed", and how I told him he looked like a baby today. The way Brent still asks me what's new though I never tell him, and how I catch him laughed and taking pictures of people. How Sputnik looks up and smiles at me no matter how often. [I look forward to be able to ask Seth about his tattoo, and Sputnik about his real name.] How Scott compliments me and seems to actually want me around now. I am grateful for Lance, for putting up with me, when I hear him cussing, and how he literally pats me on the back when I do something well. I am grateful for everything I am taking from work, and the purpose it seems to have given me, though most days I do absolutely nothing apart from shuffle papers and scroll through tutorials, 

I have without a doubt sought and found meaning in inferior things.

Grabbing

I only grab when I feel it slipping

sorry these reflexes are instinctual 

he said to me that he thinks of me more the less I speak to him

I laughed, don't tell me that

Glad We All Noticed

I love my friends. tonight was just so good, and I was so damn appreciative.
You asked if I would be too cold with your window down, 
and when you told me that you loved me I believed you.


(It's difficult though, that lingering notion, that I could never say that I am the happiest I've been, I still miss waking next you, and may never again.)

April's End