Vapid

(edit: I was semi-conscious when I wrote this on my phone) 

I sat alone on the train with headphones in, looking out the window at the tags and throw-ups of west oakland. The dull familiarity whizzed by me, my stomach buzzed with motion sickness, and nerves. I thought about you. I thought about what you told me on your couch, and in attempts to figure out if my privacy bothered you, I replayed it over. You spoke those words and all I could respond with was "I know", because I knew, and I wondered if I made you aware of this inbalance between us, or if it's something you had thought, but not shared prior. I stared down at the city and said to myself "I could make you wrong, for the very first time, about one single thing, you think knowing me would not result in rejecting me, but you would be wrong." As the concept entered my mind, before really chewing on it, it sounded like the most brilliant thing I had created. Yes, only allowing you to see enough to still love me. It sounded good, I'll admit, but then, what would you detest? I was becoming infatuated with my own disgusting nature and truths, I began to feel remorse to see it go. So drew up a list of the sort of notions and feelings you could not bear to hear; stories from my past, secrets about myself, feelings I had for her but purposefully left undisclosed. I could no longer see the city below, and felt better for it, and knowing any second you could loathe and abandon me, but that I was doing such a superb job at keeping my own self at bay. I liked knowing I could handle anything at all she could admit to me, explain the lurid details, I found such solace in the offkilter facets of this friendship. This worried and comforted me. I concluded to keep my distance, as close as I was, as I am. But dwelled still on that I could not spend my days reflecting upon the beauty and happiness my loved ones bring me, and every little bit between us. I saw then that I do infact reminence fondly quite often, shamefully frequently, but the bad comes too, in floods, and I am reminded again that I am very much of everything.

I used the word train in lieu of bart because I see nothing romantic about rapidity. 

Meaning this is as close as we can get to forever.

There are many years to come of me breaking this down, and I love you endlessly for still caring when you couldn't.