Disembodied Voices Echoed From the Distant Past

"I don’t want to be a bad person anymore, a casualty that casually fought in a friendly war. Now I’ve seen the light, which makes me worse off than before. And all that’s left of what we had is just an empty drawer. When I looked into the mirror I always acted blind. My life became invisible to my distracted mind. Neither of us ever wants to reenact the crime. Now I’d trade my eyes if I could just go back in time. Jesus Christ, how filled with agony can dreaming be? Hurry mother, carry me back to the screaming sea. Name your price, because I’ll do anything that you desire. Hold me under water, put my arms into the fire.

A fire burned with too much fury for me to try and douse. Now I spend the endless hours in a dying house. Shutters cover windows, wreath was taken off the door. My disappearing body drags my shadow across the floor. I can’t tell the rooms apart. Thought I was lost before. A black bird on a wire. Skeleton that washed ashore. Betrayal has a memory. Addictions don’t forgive. Hiding from the wild and violent world in which we live. Can’t make copies of the keys. Oath that was sworn opposes. It’s in the books. Pages cut your fingers. Thrones have roses. With this small reminder every night, I toss and turn. Words I can’t remember anymore are lost and burned. The only thing you left behind you bought just weeks before. Now you’re gone and it’s the only thing that keeps me warm."

Honesty Was Never My Strong Suit

It wasn't even 2am and I had reached that point

I stood at the door with my phone burning in my hand

it looked like sleepwalking, but didn't feel like it

I wanted to sit on the curb, I knew you would answer

you would have so relished in the desperation I felt for you in those moments

I laid back down, set my phone out of reach


the next day you sent me a pair of titties

I knew what it meant

I told you it was enough

neither of us could misinterpret something so far from the truth

the next day you wanted to make it known to the world that nothing is about me


you would recognize this limp from 317 miles away

all I've really wanted to know is who's counting

Poison

dear self,

it's 1am now. I can nearly cry just thinking about how badly I would like sleep, how long it's been. I'm writing this as a reminder, so maybe one fucking day you will learn from your lessons; do the right thing. I'm not just tired, I am tired of hiding out, of the withholding, I'm tired of how I get when I feel like this. Maybe it's fight or flight, I'm not sure, but I'm not here I'm not anywhere, I don't wish to be. The movie just ended, Jillian got up and went to the bed, I left the chair and came to lie next to Lizz like I'd been wanting to for hours. Austin just said "dang" in his sleep. I think it's relevant. Lizz hates being in the middle, I think, appreciating the unforutnate double meaning. I torture myself and people don't know, couldn't know the anguish really or the meaning. For two hours I sat curled up in a ball of my shame, self loathing and sadness, maybe the only difference is tonight there were people here to witness. Not just people, my favorite people, why are they the ones who must see you at your worst? Everyone else gets your best. It's so funny how things end up. I guess I just wish I could speak, I'm a just a vessel filled to the brim with these feelings I can't help but feel nothing but ashamed of. I would so rather leave people guessing, then allow anyone to see the extent, the depth of this.... love.

Bleeding Rock

I am a storm

slow dark and brooding

I am only what's underneath the surface

there

is

nothing

else

"And then it began to happen out in the open"

Recommendations

"Being a part of as many unsatisfying relationships as possible.

Finding different ways to be alone.

Melted cheese.

Most dogs.

Organizing your life around things that probably won't work out.

Fucking up over and over but in new and interesting ways.

Sharing everything that you can remember about yourself.

Viewing all emotions as equal.

Seeing everyone as an attempt.

Feeling confused by the phrase be yourself.

Assuming everyone has been mistreated at various points in their life.

Letting it all hit you."

The Rug We Bought Together

The tea we bought together, the Ikea shelves we bought together, went and got from a beautiful woman from Craiglist, the gifts your parents bought for me, the curtains you bought for us, the candles I bought for you, the other rug that we bought together, the bed you gave to me, the records I ordered for you, the mirror neither of us remember getting, the map of Oakland we picked out together at Temescal Alley, the loofas we bought each other at the grocery store (believed to be thrown away), the print we found and never decided on what it was, hung it up twice anyway, the movies, the jars, the plates we got together and you said we would never need more than three, a few of the things that cannot be split in half, and I try to remind myself that it us, that we are like that.

Half

Nothing is relevant without you.

What am I supposed to do?

September Part Two