Dear Lizz,
The reason that I told you I had so much I wanted to tell you was because I spent all day writing you the perfect letter in my head. I've always been the sort of person who has believed that saying the right words would actually fix everything. What love notes and confessions have ever really brought me was embarrassment, and has left me wondering who I am doing it all for in the first place. As of course you know, I just have such a difficult time conveying what I am thinking and feeling. I don't know if it's always been this way, but when I am in a good/honest/loving friendship it inevitably stirs up this consistent incapability. I guess that's why it hurts me, because I can be shitty to shitty people, but it's important to me to really try to be the best, with people like you. I was initially feeling confused when you were feeling shut out by me, all I could think about was how I had let you in, told you everything, I thought I admitted things I thought I never would. I remember thinking that you can't tell a person everything that has ever happened (long-passed, or recent), and it wouldn't be fair for anyone to ask that of me, and I could just die in my black hole of "privacy". I've been attempting to be more conscious lately of putting myself down, since you said something, before you did I just thought it would be what people WANTED to hear, because it didn't leave them wondering if I was or was not aware of my actions ie. mistakes ie. shortcomings. I swear I think about every little thing for so long and in every which way, I could explain any side of the story extensively, and passionately. After Jillian and I had a long and telling phone-talk, I finally was level-headed, and could see clearly, I wish everybody had someone so imperative to their being as she is to me. Since that night I have been desperate to tell you what I've been thinking about, which of course has been hard for me to do, because it's about you. I have enjoyed every moment with you, even with it eating at me more than slightly in the background. We would be walking together, or you would be sitting there looking off, and I would look at you really hard, and try to imagine what you were feeling like, which made me think about me, which made me think you must be thinking I was not fully there. I guess I want you to know that I am fully here now, and I am working on myself in big ways I think. I am slowly going to chip away at the iceberg that is everything that makes me hate myself, and it is the only way. It was not just the fear of really losing you that made it so I needed to come back (though partially), it wasn't that I was thinking how we could just go on, putting in 70 percent, and you meeting me there cause you can't trust to put in any more (but prominent), it was only because I wanted to and needed to. My note in my head today said that I know I need you now, not in a fleeting or momentary way at all (sometimes that too), I mean in a way that I mean with very, very few people, where I feel the absence. There is a space now, reserved or whatever, and it's scary to think, and of course humiliating to admit, but you are essential, and it took all of this (time) to see it for what it was. I want to hear about everything, and anything, and it's worth telling you everything, and not for the tradeoff, but because I want to and it helps me and it makes me happy sharing with you. I know I'm messed up, and I don't say this in a degrading, or even dismissive way, I say it because I'm aware it has to be hard cause I am weird about most things, and it affects much more than just my mood. I hate that I write to people, I hate that I feel emotions in such an enormous and all-encompassing way, but I just hope you know all the things I put you through are because I love you so much. I would not do it otherwise.. I hope that you never feel pushed away, and that we never sweep things under the rug, it feels so awful to me, even just the thought of it. I felt such an incredible, indescribable distance, and at my worst I was content just floating out there. I know some day I will want to torture myself, relish in the misery, but most days I want to be good, I want to be happy, and I want to love and make those people happy if I am able. I have been working on apologizing less, as I told you, but with that said I'm sorry, for believing you would feel wanted/cared for when I am trying to disappear. You've been so great to me, and I've been so fucking appreciate, and I don't even think I've told you. You even asked me tonight what I was wanting to tell you, I got embarrassed and couldn't, and I don't know what to say about that. You didn't stop calling, or telling me the truth. I can't stop hinting things, or telling half stories, dropping bombs and not following up, being melodramatic, sensitive, but I am going to work on nipping those things in the bud. I've never not wanted to feel close to you, I just thought I could save you from myself, but that night I emailed you, I realized not even I can do that, and you'll just have to when you have to. I didn't believe I would be more grateful now for this friendship than before, I just want us to make time for proper communication, and you do, and sure you will. This is everything I wanted to tell you earlier; that I don't know what I am doing, how to be, or what to do, but this feels solid, and positive to me, and is helping me get through (everything else that has been going on in my head). I am going to help you help me. It's all cumbersome, and I am painfully aware of that, but it feels like we are in this together, I know that we are.