dear self,

it's 1am now. I can nearly cry just thinking about how badly I would like sleep, how long it's been. I'm writing this as a reminder, so maybe one fucking day you will learn from your lessons; do the right thing. I'm not just tired, I am tired of hiding out, of the withholding, I'm tired of how I get when I feel like this. Maybe it's fight or flight, I'm not sure, but I'm not here I'm not anywhere, I don't wish to be. The movie just ended, Jillian got up and went to the bed, I left the chair and came to lie next to Lizz like I'd been wanting to for hours. Austin just said "dang" in his sleep. I think it's relevant. Lizz hates being in the middle, I think, appreciating the unforutnate double meaning. I torture myself and people don't know, couldn't know the anguish really or the meaning. For two hours I sat curled up in a ball of my shame, self loathing and sadness, maybe the only difference is tonight there were people here to witness. Not just people, my favorite people, why are they the ones who must see you at your worst? Everyone else gets your best. It's so funny how things end up. I guess I just wish I could speak, I'm a just a vessel filled to the brim with these feelings I can't help but feel nothing but ashamed of. I would so rather leave people guessing, then allow anyone to see the extent, the depth of this.... love.