yesterday I called Lizz. I went to an open house in Berkeley that was the perfect place, but it made me feel sorry for myself, so I played with a spirit cat outside as long as I felt I could. I thought the cat could sense the dept of my sorrow, and only allowed me to pet it for that reason. The cat was a beautiful smokey gray, but looked very skinny and pretty weak, when I played with it I figured we were bonded on some level both being so defeated, and unable to speak about it. I walked to my car, started to cry then stopped, I drove down MLK after sitting there for a while, and then I called Lizz. I had been planning to call her the whole day, I told myself whatever happened I would call her and check in after she gets off of work. I called at about 6:16 and asked if she was driving, which I knew she was, I was happy she picked up, and was fine with her calling me back. The remainder of the drive there was nothing on the radio, and I beat myself up for calling her at such a stupid time. She hates when people don't know her schedule, and I should have waited until she was home. I guess I thought she would like to use her headphones and I thought I might talk myself out of calling her at 7 instead in fear of bothering her. I was sitting outside my house thinking about all this; choosing to do the wrong thing, and then suffering the expected consequences (my own feelings) and she called back. We talked for a little, but there being too much to say made it silent and I couldn't even fill the space between us anymore. She offered to call me a little later on her drive to santa cruz which I responded to excitedly, because it's all I would have wanted. I finally went upstairs, and sat around thinking and texting Scott, and then she called again. These sort of actions reinsure me that she does still love me, and I told myself she wouldn't call if she didn't want to call. We talked for a bit, and I accidentally said I wasn't sure when Austin was coming back, which resulted in us both half-admitted that we haven't been communicating with him much, and vice versa. It made me feel like Lizz probably felt isolation and far from us both, and I wondered if it was in the same way or different. I liked to think that it was different, but I'm still not so sure. After speaking about Austin longer than we had in a while, the conversation blended from one abandonment to the next, and of course I wanted to resolve things desperately, and I've been wanting to talk like this for so long, but I felt awful that this is when and how it was happening. She told me she felt nothing from me more than being shut out. She said this so many times that she also said that she had said it fifty times. I knew, I knew everything which I think made it imaginably harder. She apologized profusely for "making me feel bad", and told me so many times that this was not her intent. But she couldn't make me feel bad, that's what I was doing. I attempted to reiterate my reasoning, my thinking, what my hopes were from my depolorable actions, she told me intentions are futile and not received and I knew that she was telling the truth. I covered my eyes and felt so filled with sadness that it was difficult to contain, I did the best that I could. I told her all I've been thinking about is how to fix this, it meant nothing to her, and she said there was nothing that needed fixing. I told her I was only comforted knowing more was going on under the surface, it was how the entire conversation began, she said she felt the exact opposite; face value. I finally said that I was upset knowing that what I had done had made her love me less, and she said nothing I could do would do that. "You're supposed to be my best friend." Everyone I love you was followed with a cold "but..." and the terse-ness of her tone made me deeply nervous. She said she doesn't see me or talk to me anymore. I said I've been doing stupid meaningless bullshit, giving myself what I think deserve when I all I want to do is talk to her. She told me to talk to her then. It's not that easy, I wanted to say back. I described the idea in my head about her getting fed up with the hassle that is me and giving up, and how she deserved to do that and be happy. She said to me that she did not need me to be happy. I wanted to be anyway. For her.
I said what I needed to, aside from telling her that she is my one good thing left. She said she felt like she had been yelling at me for an hour. I told her she had been treating my perfectly this whole time, she got to santa cruz and got off of the phone. I thought of all of the times in the past that she was there, but really wasn't there, and it made me feel like forever is a long time; I felt better. I was convinced in my heart of hearts that she loved me less, but it only meant that she could love me more. I wanted to be happy, for her.
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