Concealed Contempt

I keep calling it anti-social in my head. It continues to be explained as socially awkward or uncomfortable. It's not that, it's not all that, it's something else. I am uncomfortable socially around my friends, people I know, and care about, whose opinions matter. Largely a reason I cannot get out, I can't go do things, meet new people, "hang out", it's attributed to something bigger that I did not want to see. Today I came to know that I need to face this, yet another thing that I loath about myself. It isn't that I am judgmental, although I can't say that I am not. The problem is not that I am fearful of these people, although I am a bit, I am nervous to meet new people, spend time doing the unfamiliar, but honestly what I am attempting to get to is the certainty that I will not enjoy them. I will not relate to these people, I know that I will not be entertained, I won't find them knowledgable, interesting, worth while. I covered up this fact, even to myself, by saying that I am quiet or shy, or that I don't drink or like to party, again, this is all true, but not the source of disdain. Why I do not like this about myself so much is that it seems arrogant, do I find myself better than these people? Could it really be that I am introverted? I am, but I wish so badly to spend time with people, that I do appreciate with me, one on one, personal, intimate. The thought of wasting so much as an hour in a setting where I not only am wildly anxious and discomforted, but additionally, gaining nothing, not liking myself or the people around me, I can't bear it. am I conceited? Do I find my time or conversations to be superior to other's? I swear that I do not find that true, I just cannot live like everyone else, and I wish I could, but I can only be alone, or I just feel terrible. But again, I think that it is telling that normally I do not want to be alone, I want to be with someone I love and trust, and there is something in that. I am not anti-social, but am I a snob? So many things this week have suggested at such, and I can't live with the notion that I am on some high horse, whilst beating the dead horse of self repugnance.

The cynicism, dissatisfaction,  disappointment I feel towards everyone is killing me.

I think that I just respect so few people's lifestyles, I think that I am not prude because I do not respect my own.