I Told You

i ran away from where everyone was, abruptly. it was you and austin, and my friends, and it was good, but i had to go. it was dark, and late, and i didn't know the area consciously, but i knew where my car was and that is where i wanted to be. i remember running, practically right over my car, i did not know that you were following me. we stopped, and i did not want to talk to you, i didn't want to put any of this on you, all of this, all of me, i wanted you to go have fun and i wanted to run away. you were passionately and sincerely apologizing, you said over and over this and that, and i wanted you to stop. i remember not being as kind (understanding) as i usually am. i kept stopping you, saying brass and coldly, "IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT". you wouldn't believe me, and i wouldn't let you think what you were, so this went on for longer than it should, until we both finally stopped. i must have been standing on the hood of my car, looking down at you pleading in the alley way, because i stepped down in front of you then. i am not sure who initiated the hug, but i was just so upset with myself. i was equally upset about what i was sad about, as i was that i was too sad to not leave. you held me for a while, i was embarrassed, mostly because i needed it. i specially recall your gray sweatshirt, and focusing on the stitching on your collar. i was not sure how to word to you what i need to, i wasn't even entirely sure why i was feeling everything that i was. it came pouring, and i don't mean tears, though i believe i was crying at this point, but you finally understood that it wasn't you. i shared with you all of the things that i had been holding back, holding in, from everyone. i remember spilling my guts, you said nothing, i am not sure how intently you were listening, and all i could think about was you blaming yourself. and also how i could not be where i wanted to be, thinking too many things and feeling too much. 
despite everything, i felt so much better after talking with you, and being with you, i like you understanding, and i think so highly of you. i don't know what you gain if anything, i feel i gain so much, the gratitude is constant and endless. right before i awoke i remember feeling... mixed emotions.