"I care so much I'm sick" 

Bouquet

  bringing in flowers brings in bugs

  I don't know how else to explain it

Always Has Been

""

Sick of the Way I Am

you're sick of the way that I am anti-social, don't drink, or eat chinese food
you're sick of the way that I don't know my way, always get stuck driving around
sick of the way I hate going out, even to someone else's house
you're sick of the way I am always trying to please you, but really me
you're sick of the way I drop bombs in conversations
you just would like to have a fun time, while I'm attempting to connect on a deeper level
you're sick of my jokes going too far, you're sick of my complaining, sick of my calls
sick of the long texts, you feel obligated to reply
you're sick of the way I can't get along with anyone, or fix anything
you're sick of the way I put words in your mouth and then get so hurt by them
you're sick of the way it feels like I'm always waiting for you
sick of the way I can't make a cup of coffee, or a decision to save my life
sick of the way I don't follow up on things we talk about
my unshakeable nervous and contagious uncomfortability
you are sick of the way I project everything onto you always
you've forgotten that you cannot miss me if you're sick of me
but I have not

Incompetence

I cut my hair off just to get through the weekend
and told no one

she questioned my timing
asked if now was really the right time
I was yelling at him over the music
at a bar
he was wasted
and on the phone
and it was that person's birthday, the following day he was talking about leaving me
we did not have plans
I thought it appropriate to get upset and let him know

bad timing
we sat on the curb
after saying over-stepping
I searched my mind for synonyms
as you looked for antonyms
and neither of us spoke

I've been avoiding my boss in fear of giving myself away
he asked yesterday if something was wrong
he told me that I had been quiet
again I said nothing

two days ago my love for you crystalized
I felt warm and fuzzy
I knew finally that it would watch me die
(and not the other way around)

when a person reacts strongly to a trivial event I think it is important to locate the source. when he told us angrily that we never want to go to dinner at the same places that he does, I found out he too is affected that we have different ideas of how we wish to spend our time.

I put so much deorderant on today that it seeped very visibly through my black shirt

the last dream I recall which was two nights ago
I did not dream of you
I dreamed that I was having a nice time
walking in nature with my friend or two
under the trees I approached a childhood acquaintance
I looked at the camera she carried
I then looked down at my hands, and my own camera
I felt an overwhelming sense of inadequacy
possessing no knowledge or skills in art
I was embarrassed that she saw my weak attempts
and utter incompetence
I'm still fairly certain it was about you

august begins

and we all know what that means

And That's Okay

I am still scared I will ruin this, I am still waiting.

I know it's as easy to wreck by what I do say, as what I do not.

You know I am a liar by omission, eaten away from what is withheld.

I wanted to cry but couldn't.

I said, "There are are so many things that I want to tell you but can't."

You said, "me too."

And then you said, "and that's okay."

It felt so new but so good, and new things never, ever feel good. I loved you so much on that day, and every day since.

I could get too involved and burn it down in my efforts, or destroy this from a lack of trying.

There is such a risk in what I'd like to, need to say and do, but you know now I would do anything in the world for you.

What's The Point

"You were holding on to make a point

what's the point?"

July

"This does not mean that you can rest on your laurels just yet; 
some clever juggling will be necessary to keep things going."

In Ways

"Everything is beautiful

in ways I can't even explain
I try to spit it out
and I sound insane"

Dream Text

Birth Days