Look Forward To The Answers

I'm writing this down to remember it, I guess that I was (so pleasantly) surprised with what my blatant desperation was met by. I know a normal person would be flattered by someone needing them, so obviously badly, but not the people I am attracted to. I think that it is very important to see past that initial excitement, and evaluate all the reasoning. Anyway, first and foremost, I think it is necessary for me to reiterate such a tremendous lesson I have been learning. The lesson is everything having waves, cycles, seasons, I am seeing now how to love someone on the days that I would so regularly fear that I am losing them, for good. Lizz has taught me so much, and it's terrible to think she doesn't know, I hope to tell her. I recall telling Chris, telling Jillian, the very close people that I explain in great detail these friendships that are dear to me, I described for them both the fluctuations, I told them both that our friendship will not die, or even fade, for it remains as much on the days I am I convinced I do not know this person, as the days I do not believe we could be any closer. I am aware that it is not often that I disregard any chance of a more-than-coincidence, but still, I find it 'meant to be', the timing, of it all. Lizz texting me to spend time together, the very night that I saw things clear enough that I was compelled to tell her that I needed to see her. I can't really depict that idea properly, but I tried to, when I told her it was as if she was responding to a thought, one I hadn't really had the courage or right words to voice. So that came first, then we did spend some time together, one and one too. The next day we spent some time with Austin, and Terra, which I liked a lot also, it says so much about a person seeing the character of those that they surround themselves with. It makes me so excruciatingly happy when my friends find loved ones that I, not approve of, but find to be right, or good for them. So Tuesday comes, I think it was Tuesday, and I am so upset at work, I sat there still in my chair, my stomach felt like churning rocks, and my heart was sore from where I could see it had lead me. All of my poor choice, incorrect words, failed attempts, and misfortunes, were swirling it my head. I had so much time to think about all of this (specifically at work, that day), that I knew I had to get it out, I got to such a point that I was conscious of the torment I would inflict on myself (primarily emotionally), I had to seek help, and I hating to know that, but I knew. You start thinking of your phone in those times, you are nearly powerless to that force that is going to make you spill your guts, when you can no longer hold them. Anyway, I did not go through my list of friends, as I would, I wanted to call Lizz. I did, for a moment question why, just to insure it was the proper choice, meaning one I would not regret, only to make me feel more sorrowfully, and messed up later on. I was going to because I knew that she would understand, and I think part of me was appreciative just thinking about being taken serious at a time of feeling so silly and trivial. I loath feeling melodramatic, I'd rather fester alone for days and days, tearing apart everything good, in my mind and in my life, and hate myself, than have someone I held to any sort of high esteem conceived me as a person who takes themselves, and their problems too seriously. The idea of blowing things out of proportion is so monumentally disgusting I can barely write of it, in fear of someone finding out that such a problem exists, and further solidifying that truth. Lizz was so many things to me, so many people, and associated with so much ambiguous thoughts, and feelings, and notions, but no matter what, I really mean no matter what, I feel a sense of safety that I am sure anyone would be envious of, because I never really know what Lizz thinks of me, but she does take me seriously an amount that I like. I got to my car, the day felt so tedious, treacherous and long while I was in it, but now it was a blur, and I held my phone finally, realized the other person almost never answers their calls at a time like this. It did take enough rings for me to be sure, but I didn't hang up, only for wanting to leave some weird kind of message in lieu of a little melt down. It was funny, the conversation, not funny in subject, but just in that I was so aware that she would think that she wasn't doing well, me needing to be comforted, of all people, of all things, and it was amusing for me to know that I thought she was doing great, it's so nice to have something be just want you want it to be, you know? I did inevitably feel stupid afterwards, but so grateful that I did not feel stupid enough to be sad that I had called. The stupidity came from being so candid, honest and emotional, it's all just gross when it's feelings you don't wish to be feeling, but she said that they were fine, and understandable, and it was all that I needed it hear I think. So I did not call her again, when Chris denied me, I did not call when Sam was too polite for me to ruin his life, I texted her later though, and she texted back and it went well, in the sense that the other person could not STILL be good at dealing with me, or wanting to do so, and she did, and I could tell, because there was such an option not to reply. She leaves for sonoma, I am comforted by the thought that I knew that we would fade in and out and be the same, and that it felt now that we were in and not out, and I know it takes me seeing and talking to that person, but it does. I think for anyone it's also a warm feeling when you have this concept or idea built up in your head of another person, where you respect them, and think of how you really love being in their presence and hearing what their going to say, and how they are going to say it and the things they don't say, how they act, it's a warm feeling when they validate that for you, like saying they are the same. That's all you wanted. So I text some stupid thing, It literally said I needed her. Austin is home now, so I will make this brief. She responded, and came over. I am glad every time that I don't scare someone off, after it has happened so often, it seems, I don't know. We watched trailers for actual hours, I was not terrified of boring her, not when she called, and not while she was there. We ended up at KFC, I was not wracked with guilt. (I  wonder if you notice the nervousness dissipated at all, I tell you that I look forward to you reading this book after I am finished.) It was cool that we could end up choosing a documentary, it's lame, but it made me happy or something. Everything was funny, and fine. I felt fine, and when you finally began to fall asleep, moments before, you did this thing. I won't describe it how I want to, but you tapped my arm really soft, in a little rhythm, with your fingers, for not a reason at all, nothing I could discern anyway. It was worth it, and just relevant or something. I wish I could relay the small feelings, I like the small things, I like the big things, you've been bigger, and dealing with things in such a admirable way, I wish I could relay that.

We can't help who we are but we can attempt to be better, and I like that we are.

(I like the questions we do not ask, and look forward to the answers to the ones that I will, I know you see things, and I like how I think you are thinking of them.)