Ten Dollar Aesthetic

I love you more than anyone loves anyone

I think, very seriously

sitting in my dark car, alone

when nirvana comes on

like it is on now

it makes me want you here

sitting with me in my dark car 

so that I could turn to you but not really look you in the eyes and tell you that you're like nirvana to me because even when you should make me sad you make me happy even if I'm sad too

in the coffee shop I say

very seriously

that I am concerned, and I don't want to break my ten

I wonder what she thinks of me thinking and saying that

and how it alters or forms my aesthetic in her head

I worry when I take pictures that people are watching me and thinking that I am carefully curating my aesthetic

she responds that she is using her card

which then makes it okay, for me to use my card

we are sitting at a poetry reading and the kid in the beanie is speaking into a microphone about moon phases and then dream interpretation on the internet

when she and I look at each other and lock eyes I want to laugh at all the relevancy

so I do and she does also

I show her my living space and say "so yeah" over and over again

I had a dream that I was upset and I said "it's not so much the condition of living that is hard for me, but the level of impermanence"

I woke up and pondered for a while if that was true

I decided later on that day that it is both the quality of life, and the transitory feeling

at the same poetry reading a different person spoke into the same microphone and said: "We are here today because someone once loved us"

we walk outside and I want to bring attention to how high the skyscrapers are from down here

instead I feel embarrassed

that I don't smoke cigarettes