"she was grace and green as a stem,
but I walk heavy on delicate ground
...as I go showing off again
self-impressed by how well I can put myself down!
and there I go again
to the next further removed level
of that same exact feigned humility!
this for me goes on and on to the point of nausea"
I've been battling some sizable demons, they know my name, got my phone number memorized, can find me, whenever. She makes my stomach turn, my hands shake, and my gears spin up all night. I wanted to ask what she needed of me but it sounded too direct so I said nothing. I drove around the streets so that I could tell her I was driving and she would know what that meant; that I feel things.
I put those to rest.
The skeletons in my closet, what have you. Well they exhausted me.
It's always really bothered me how the end of something determines how it leaves someone feeling about it, whether it be a book, a movie, a relationship. I worried that the entirety of this year would become lost, an incoherent blur, only serving to preface all of the terrible events and feelings, and truths discovered at its conclusion. I thought about this some more (of course), and discovered that I did not wake up this morning, January 1st, immediately relieved of all anguish, discomfort and sorrow, these things take time. It turns out that the end of this year wasn't awful at all. First I guess I should start by saying that Scott, my boss gave me three bonuses at work which was not only very kind but very unnecessary, it meant he appreciates me and it means a lot. I haven't worried about money in a while (unfortunately resulting in the non-communication between my father and myself) and it feels as close to earning it myself/being completely self-sufficient as (currently) possible. I drove to LA and my car did great. Spending the week with Victoria, Ryan and Leo, was not only awesome and fun, but important, very healing, and definitely a learning experience. Victoria told me that you understand who you are and why you are that way when you have your own child, because you see what your parents did and did not do. I spent a couple days with Andy, not only nostalgic and reminiscent, but inspiring and instructive, too.
Things I have been working on AS WELL AS reaping the benefits of working on:
*Speaking up, and taking care of myself when I normally would not, out of fear or some level of "shyness"
*Taking responsibility; allowing myself to believe that I can take control/make change/deserve a say in how something is going to be (i.e. an active role in all aspects of my life)
*Communicating better and pushing away all raging feelings of inadequacy, terror of overbearing, and that overwhelming gnawing sensation of just finding what I'm saying annoying
I thought a whole lot about what Lizz told me, about how she said that I should be happy for myself not other people, and that's how I will be truly happy. I am still thinking about that, and while I find this true for many people, I very honestly believe that I will know happiness when I feel it radiate from my friends and loved ones and know in a small part of me that I may have contributed to that somehow. While I am learning to be alone (there are a lot of not so healthy ways to be with people in isolation), I find this period of my life not to be depressing, but rather in preparation for something good. This is not to say that I am going to black out this year and live it as a zombie ghost as I had planned, I will have to work (more) diligently as ever to keep from sinking, but I like to think I've always been rewarded for good behavior.
So before I leave for Los Angeles I talk to Lizz and clear the air, and feel a lot better, and that we are on the same page, and that she still loves and thinks about me (and in a way that I can accept). I promise myself after that conversation to never be scared to call her when I want to, to never refrain from telling her where I am or what I am doing because I find it unwarranted or futile, and I think also simply to identify why it is when I do something consciously detrimental to a friendship that is so, so dear to me. Somewhere inside of me I knew that making amends with Austin was next, but at the same time convinced myself I wasn't ready/worthy of emotional peace in any way. I am not saying what I am about to say because I think that Lizz will read this, I say this with hundred percent sincerity, and am also fine with her reading it. Lizz without knowing it so often reassures important things for me that I need reassured, and when she returns my unfavorable (or repetitive..) behavior with patience, sensitivity and compassion it affirms for me that doing the right thing is in fact the right thing to do. I am an unsure person, and I know that I've been shut down and shut off more than enough times, and I know how much I dearly love to watch history repeat itself, if I need anything in this life it's positive affirmations. I'll believe in anything, just help me believe. It felt rewarding speaking my mind, despite how trivial and shameful the words sounded as they came out, so I figured I should keep mending.
I told that person that I would love her no matter what and for always, and I didn't need a response to know it was profoundly heard. Saying something so apparent, and true to me seemed almost easy, but also grand, in that I was able to give someone something that they needed, when I had it all along. I literally felt the dark weight lifted, and held out that truth to the sun, the wound for what it was, a scar I was proud to bear. I felt honored by its perseverance and purpose.
I even talked to Austin too, we texted for a while, and I thought about seeing him, and looked forward to it.
Upon returning I had a few days to recoup, and keep the vortex at bay, I did my best, and talked to her because it seemed the right thing to do.
Jillian arrived and things were inevitably good, I speak unfiltered and listen almost in worship. I didn't have endless hopeless gloom to dump, I shared tales of redemption, recovery and progress. However small, there are things to look forward to, work towards, and work on. This all sounds a bit hokey or at least overstated on the verge of vapidity; dark to light, this brings me to my admission.
I was getting acupuncture, I felt trapped in that chair, covered in needles, knowing only two things: your enchantment over me, and the assumption that what you were trying to say is that you needed to see me. I told Jillian in the car that the most prominent thing about me is my sick belly. I get home and eat a lot of food, I drink most of a bottle of champagne, then most of a bottle of sake, from a mason jar like water, it doesn't affect me remarkably (all that shit is in your head), but I am talking a bit loud, probably about how this is unfair, and I don't want to be your boyfriend. You say you're good, and send me a song. I make Jillian listen to it, again, and again and again and again. Suddenly I am sleep, suddenly it's 2am and I am puking in the toilet. I wrote back "yeah?" She didn't respond and I didn't expect her to. I woke up and barfed a whole lot more then made Jillian clean it all up and drive me to work. She made me soup, and I barfed a lot more, again. For days I felt bad for all of this until when I apologized Jillian said she needed the dynamic and was happy about it, getting me saltines, sleeping with me all day. Sometimes you're not in the perfect place and someone could be okay with that, and even like it. This is only very bad if you then make each other worse, but if you get someone good, they'll make you better. Jillian genuinely nurses me back to health, tells me I had to purge the old year's negative chi before the new one, and Lizz if you're reading this I would have called you to help, I know you would have.
Important things to bear in mind this year:
*See things through that excite or inspire you
*Read, bike, create, watch movies in your spare time
*Work as much as possible, it will pay off
*Communicate clearly and honestly (with everyone)
*Say anything that you felt like you have been really needing to share or discuss
*Be consistent
New years eve comes and the flu passes, I finally feel pretty much alive, I ate real food and Jillian and I ran my errands and explored colleges. I sent you a text that said that I trust that we will repair this because I want to, and that was that. Jillian and I saw Big Eyes at Bay Street and got Korean BBQ, then ice cream. We talked a lot, for days, about the affects of dairy and allergies and how they are only mental manifestations, then neither of us could breathe. It was too cold to go on the roof but we did anyway and there were fireworks, and I felt great things, and thought I should keep this ball rolling, for the whole year long. Life is about taking action, I tell myself again. I know that my sadness is still there, it can just take back seat to my good.
I determine how all of this ends.
"And I'll live without you Love, but what good is one glove, without the other?"
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