Just What I Am

"conversation sharp and deep
a tempting sample of who I could be
without the broken glass waiting underneath


so I'd walk soft if I were you
you could cut up your feet
for now it's just what I am
but not what I'll be, oh hopefully"

Welcome And Warning

"Now, we are tangled like intruders in the wires of the fence
For a fence is built to protect what lies inside of it"

Erased My Life

I haven't figured out what to text you. but life is so easy. which makes it so insanely hard. I can't be anywhere, being myself.


Insane you said that, but even more so that I was jabbing the screen on my envy wondering why it was frozen. What's easy? It's too hard to even die.
Though told someone today that only good will come from the end of the world in 2012, and tried to say Welll I don't mean death... And they said, but you do.


but we do. "what will happen to us?" I thought about that a lot today. I need to talk to you more than anyone needs to talk to anyone. but later of course. I'm in that strange state and it's so hot in this bed I could honestly die. but seriously I cannot be this person much longer. also can't live here (rebecca's). I realized I am a depressive recluse who needs silence and dark and people to let me fester. like I'm awake all night sending weird texts and writing about how I'm ruined, I can't have grace crying in the background if that makes sense. but it's cool. change is in the wind which is so positive. but difficult to not tell rebecca that I honestly do not not care about my life career or future that I have some deep seeded issues in my head I am trying and need to work through.. more importantly. la dispute is ruining me I need to stop this haha..
calvin: where the fuck is everyone? me: alcohol poisoning


I can't breath at all and my eyes are watering from the light of this cell phone. La disputes new album is my sleep playlist if that says anything. Had a dream though that I came home from living in france for a year and turned on my phone wondering why my dad canceled the service. Then woke up (actually) to open my phone with a text from you explaining everything without saying anything. And I'm so out of it at this point and it's not from lack of sleep, but lack of life. I think the dark and those people to let fester are the people of our lives so thank god for reclusion because I went through a hundred contacts and erased my life


all I needed was "it's too hard to even die." if these relationships are us than that is not alright, and if we ourselves are us, I'm not sure which is worse.

Weirder

I apologize, I am sorry for what I will do. I will make things weird. Probably on purpose. There were dozens of colorful 
glass bottles the sunlight shone through, and I was in awe at reality's warped beauty, but it was not real.

I Fear

the most meaningful night in a year, the kiss in my ear right before you disappeared.
As always I should think nothing of this, you were drunk, but I was delusional. It's just sad I am yet to be disenchanted from that evening, so grossly devoid of meaning. I had just about allowed myself to forget what it was like to have someone listen to what you're saying, or to not have to explain. I wish you were sober, like I wish this were over. What if I had gone inside? It's just not fair at all that you got to stand in my living room, my bedroom. Some people feel no repercussions, some people feel nothing at all. I feel everything, I just want to stand in your room.

I'm Fine

I hate what's happened to me..
"We are what's left of what we once were."

Sand

"I am
as stable
as sand
in a windstorm."

Done

You couldn't have even wished for this.

Betrayal

Trust was individualized once.

This Is Goodbye

"

"

Goals Or Similar

I want to go to bed before midnight, I want to dream something that does not make me nauseated when I wake up, I want to listen to a song and think of no one, I want to watch movies, and be able to pay attention, I want to be a good driver, I want to have friends, and not have it be about friendship, I want to never write again, I want to look at my reflection, just have that be okay, I want moderation, calmed nerves, I want my sentences to come out smooth, deliberately, I want self control, for the right reasons, I want to know I am doing things for the right reasons, I know I'm not.

Remarkable Now

"This door only opens for the remarkable now."

Eggs

which came first, the slip away or the slipped away?

Reciprocal

have you taken down my pictures? have you even thought to?

One

     

For A Change

"Lie to me like you used to
Tell me everything is how it should be
Lie to me, did you have to?
Because in the end it never matters what I think
And I can barely tell the sky from the shoreline
And I can see myself reflected in your eyes

And this was all a dream
And it’s coming back to me
A portrait in grey scale
A perfect betrayal
And I can’t even breathe with this weighing on my chest
You knew me at my best
Now I can’t even stand on my own"


"It's the art of finding out everything you wanted to know.
It's the art of getting everything you wanted from me.
It's the art of laying low,Leave all your friends wondering where you've been.
It's the art of letting me down,
And you perfected that.


You swore that everything was fine."

"I tried so hard to be the one you'd think about on your train ride back home.
You told me you would like me better if I didn't always try so hard.And I don't feel so invincible anymore
And I don't feel so invincible anymore"




"and if you see me looking back
or if you see me betterthe worst part of my existence
Is you can call whenever"




"Keep to myself until it's over,
I can't see it but I know it's there.
And if you'd like the sight of failure for a change,
Well you can call me anytime.
With all that weight upon your shoulders,
You know you never stood a chance.

And I've never felt further from home.
It's permanent, like ink on skin.
Return is a foreign word."

"and i want to die
who am i"

Inside

I know it's there, for you I can feel the flurry of a heart inside my chest.

Feel

the more a person feels the more i feel for them, i suppose it would be nice if it were different, 
if i had not constructed a personality incapable of being missed. 
and these people do not feel, and i am envious but cannot empathize. 

Innocent

The truths of these stories, are contradicted by their end

so I must be asleep now, or was I asleep back then?

In my dream you send me a message

it asked loudly if I was innocent back then, or did I believe I was scarred?

I was astounded when I received it, and I thought long, I thought hard

I never got an answer, because the truth I've been avoiding is I am not yet marred

Rooster

sleep is futile. 
even more so is attempting to do so.

Where You Are

Some days I think 
I should have saved you. 
Most days I see where you are which is precisely where you want to be.

You should have saved me.

Weird

Weird that I've been thinking about this quote and posted it a year ago today:

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Narrowness

"I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well. Unfortunately, I am confined to this theme by the narrowness of my experience. Moreover, I, on my side, require of every writer, first or last, a simple and sincere account of his own life, and not merely what he has heard of other men's lives; some such account as he would send to his kindred from a distant land; for if he has lived sincerely, it must have been in a distant land to me."

Also, still very relative..

But I guess I have a week to still think about, the situational parallels and emotional perils of looking back.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Dilution

I watch all of my nervous habits surface, like oil and water; 
the separation between who I become and who I want to be.

Dilute

I simply wish I were able to water myself down enough to be happy.

Something Practiced

re·nounce

  [ri-nouns] verb, -nounced, -nounc·ing, noun

verb (used with object)

1.

to give up or put aside voluntarily: to renounce worldlypleasures.

2.

to give up by formal declaration: to renounce a claim.

3.

to repudiate; disown: to renounce one's son.

renounce  (rɪˈnaʊns)
— vb
1.	( tr ) to give up (a claim or right), esp by formalannouncement: to renounce a title

re·nounce  (r-nouns) v. re·nounced, re·nounc·ing, re·nounc·es v.tr. 1. To give up (a title, for example), especially by formal announcement. Synonym: relinquish.  2. To reject; disown. 3. (tr) to give up (some habit, pursuit, etc.) voluntarily to renounce smoking Definition of RENOUNCE transitive verb 1 : to give up, refuse, or resign usually by formal declaration<renounce his errors> 2 : to refuse to follow, obey, or recognize any further re·lin·quish (rĭ-lĭng'kwĭsh)  tr.v., -quished, -quish·ing, -quish·es. To retire from; give up or abandon. To put aside or desist from (something practiced, professed, or intended). To let go; surrender. To cease holding physically; release: relinquish a grip. Definition of RELINQUISH transitive verb 1 : to withdraw or retreat from : leave behind 2 : Give up <relinquish a title> b : to give over possession or control of : yield

Understandings

"Meeting new people is like sewing on a new arm, an arm where the nerves don't quite reach the fingertips."
 "Meeting new people is like when you're telling a long story, and someone comes in at the very end."

Stomach In Knots

there are enough knots tied in there
i wish these butterflies would
tighten the noose
hang themselves

My Rambles

today was a day of second chances. I learn so much every single day. I appreciate that.


love might tear us apart, but fate will bring us back together.


i don't really like the need to "vent" or "dump" or relay every little bit of this day to someone else. how it isn't real at all unless depicted and explained over and over again. and the other day phil from work said i love to tell a story and i got mixed feelings from the statement. like all too true of statements seem to do. but anyway, it was a very rushed day, and driving home i thought so honestly that no one person anticipated the happiness of being alone in their bedroom quite like i do. i was nearing bennett street and picturing the lighting, and the silence, and writing all this down, getting some of it out. lizz i wanted to tell you that this movie reminded me so much of you, and i know i won't send a thing if i keep thinking of myself like this. last night i had a dream i was like a kid. i was barefoot and free. and the things that usually do, just didn't bother me.  my mind was simple and clear, distracted but happy. and my coworker was there, standing there outside. and today just like that in the sun, i ran into her, a stupid huge smile on my face i said, "i didn't think i'd see you today!" i told her i've had worse dreams, alluding to that darkness, but she got everything. and there was melting ice cream in my hands and i swear some moments are just like a movie, and she took her sun glasses off, hair red in the sun. i ran off as i do, but when we both looked back we were grinning and she shouted, "good luck!"
and austin i'm sorry i never call, i want something to say but when i have something i don't like what i talk about. not just with you but with everyone. i want to hear about school, it's just hard to ask questions cause it all pains me really deep inside and i want to be with you. and when you asked me today on the phone if i could move there and work in a coffee shop and we would be together like we should be, i couldn't just say it meant the world to me so i laughed a little bit. i knew you were serious you didn't have to say so.
i love just imagining a moment in the future, and then realizing later you are in that exact, exact moment that you were dreaming of before. and i know it's silly cause i'm sitting in bed with the glow of christmas lights, but i'm happy. and i imagined this up. there is so much comfort in inevitability. and today started off bad, but was so long that it had the chance to get really good. talking to kellee is always so positive and i'm so pleased i decided to go to flour garden and tessa and sarah made me a hot and cold shot and i unspoken-ly always wanted to try one, and it was super great. and i love corona and i feel terrible for scaring her, i should have known better, but now i do. i learn so much every single day. and today i really learned that doing nice things for people can suck really fucking bad, and this guy was a completely fucking asshole when i did a favor for him, and i was hot and sweaty and just too sad to not want to cry, and i felt it in my mouth and chest and face. and then a second guy comes up with his wife and completely makes my day, and i can only vaguely make out his face, but i can't remember anyone being that kind and sweet. and he asked if my mom told me what a good job she did, and liked my hair and told me never to do anything i hate. well also said i had to have a good reason to leave college but you really gotta give people you like a lot the benefit of the doubt with some things. and i definitely do. it was so crazy that he asked if i thought of a trade school and said i was cute and asked if my boyfriend was a slave and i was fine again, cause things got really bad. i love making jokes with myself and i told the guy it was the other way around. good inside joke. i also made an awful joke that i wanted to tell lizz about because it was painfully un-funny. so we sold a whole ton of gifts cards this week, like randomly more than ever, unless like christmas time. so we are trying to get more gift cards and they are talking about it at work and stuff, and i chyme in and say "must be all the halloween presents." these things make sense to me. so well, anyways, everything fell into place correctly, not without some work but i've really been realizing how everything is so two sided and you have to give some to get some and you have to try. i've really been trying. i just love movies that really, really make me happy to be alive. and this one did that. the world is being than me and my imagined problems and exaggerated melancholy. i love when people say exactly what you wish they would. i like a lot of little things i wish i could explain like when people offer me what they are drinking even if i say no. i love watching people do little nice things for other people and they don't know i'm watching. i love peace and quiet and my room. and everything is relative, and happens how it's supposed to, that's both devastating and insanely hopeful. i wanted to tell victoria that someone on the bus sketching her hands secretly, was like titanic and how i was jealous. i wanted to tell mimi i wrote about her on and off all day and it's hard missing people the amount i do but won't say. i like days that are real days i guess. i like second chances.

The Clock Were All Wrong

And I've been known to get dragged along
but time was so different back then
as if the clocks were all wrong
moving so incredibly fast, then so wonderfully slow
I wish I would have asked if you knew what I meant
maybe I feared you wouldn't know


And I am fine with things ending
I understand that people need to go


I give thanks to those times that ended on a good note

Unexpected

The things we need when we need them come in unexpected forms.

I Know I

  

  "Has it been fabricated, fashioned by the worst of me?

I know I knocked the table over because I watched the jar break and I’ve been trying to repair it every single stupid day 

But won’t the cracks still show no matter how well it’s assembled can I ever just decide to let it die and let you go?

All my motives and every single narrative below reflects that moment when it broke and will I never let it go no matter what? 
Now I am throwing all the shards away, discarding every fragment, and fumbling uncertain."