A Month Ago Today

i miss austin. and some nights i really do need him. and i say it like that because i don't admit to needing people at night.  i dug myself into such a deep hole, and those around me can't even tell their yelling at me from the top. i'm just sad.  my future has become a lie, my past to be a lie. and it's turned me into a liar in the present.  living only in the fear of death is cowardly. and i guess i do have hope for some things, but not as much as for the lack of hope for everything else.  i just love my brother and want him to be happy. and if there is one person i can actually put their strive for happiness before my own, it is him.  i lie in the dark for hours just trying to pinpoint where it all crumbled and shattered. as if that would help. as if i don't already know.  tonight i counted until the next day i wouldn't absolutely dread. i made it to wednesday, although i do work wednesday. work is easier than living lately, somehow. the smell of this incent really makes me miss austin. it reminds me of the comfort of him being here, in the house if not in my room.  that i could go out and walk and find him and it would just feel comfortable. the two things i know are that i am endlessly and forever grateful and appreciative of my loved ones and those still close to me,  and secondly i would like absolutely nothing more than to be alone.