If I Could Only

If I could only execute these ideas of people in the appropriate, or at least, the desired manner. I adore a (dissociated) select few, all due to almost entirely varying reasons, but its difficult, for an inexplicable array of background causes. One of the few sources I can somewhat rationalize right now is how it has been for so long. I believe to be so fond on the genuine and real basis that no one else is, or maybe even is capable of. Aside from being frustrating, it additionally only seems right that I reveal the honest nature of this truth. I don't want to say that all individuals are wrong/mistaken about them, or that I at times secretly struggle with the notion that others are frankly inadequate. Perhaps the worst of it is that it is not fair to have the knowledge and awareness of all of this, while lacking the capacity for its inescapable impact. To explain, if I were an average human being, contact, communication and compliments when due, could be initiated or reciprocated not only wish ease, but relaying these thoughts as they should be. I'm far too affected by the usually unintentionally affecting.  I mess it all up, and am perpetually left torn between disregarding these people out of common courtesy for my ridiculousness, as deserved, or muffling the emotions and their mania in attempts to continue to just try to prove to them that they are worth everything. Whether or not this could possibly sound familiar, these people know who they are, for I watch them when they speak. I have their hands perfectly memorized and how they move, and enamored might be the correct word, but I'll go with appreciative. I watch their faces, and the subsequent reflection in my head of those faces brings me a smile. And in turn, a rare but real motivation to be better, to feel better, and happy, but utmost, to make them happy if able. Looking upon it all retrospectively, I actually really can come to the probable conclusion that if I were competent enough to leave myself out of it, with my uncertainties, concerns and burdens, it could just possibly be smooth sailing. The prospective, but never intended, complications and misfortunes result from how I can be, and hinder my hopes that my words will be received, no interferences. I am forever grateful for these friendships, and maybe they are conscious that I'm trying my best, despite the occasional slip-up (of bottomless doubt and sadness). I am more than fortuitous to hold such hearts within me, knowing that not anyone is  good enough, of course including myself. Thank you for all that you've said to me, I am not just watching, but listening, perceiving and retaining. If you know me well enough, you've come to know how deeply and frequently I am immersed in thoughts trying to discern and comprehend all about you and what that means. Whether they have left me, or I am soon to be leaving them, my mind and heart they have never left, and if I can convey nothing else, I'd wish them to understand they are still here.