I Act Coy

It was cold but I was warm. We walked, and he dragged on his cigarette with more veins than hand, and the only thing in the entire world I wish he'd drag on more
was the conversation at hand. But of course I was in the past, and the future, because I will always be me. And I have spent far too much time wondering
if he has caught on to me staring at that black pen, in his back pocket, he toys with so much more than writes with. I know no one else notices him like I do, and when he speaks to me I am looking at the color of his veins protruding, when he talks about sex he does with both hands and I liked that. And I spent not enough time wondering
if I were to make him more blue.
And every time he is spoken of it is childish, bitter, and angry,
while I find him realistic, among other things.

We Have Nothing To Lose

"For a long time now, our relationship has been hanging by a thread, and a thread moreover mostly consisting on past disappointments, and we have nothing to lose by cutting it."



"You will be the best judge

as to what this moment means to you, 

the rest is silence."

Shred

I hear and feel the shrill tear of thick fabric. The ripping radiated even when the noise ceased, and I wondered if other people sleep this restless. I wondered if I was even awake, and had in reality unintentionally torn my bedding, 
I looked in the morning and I had.



I recall how difficult it always was for me to rest when things did not seem good between us, I remember how I would lie there awake to your left as you slept and would often contemplate leaving after hours passed. I every time chose to stay because I would rather be there with you, while it was bad, than alone. I presume some things never change. I felt accepted, genuinely, for the first time, not before by my peers, parents, friends, boyfriends, anyone, just this. It's equally perplexing how you could grow to love me so dearly, as it is how tiresome I could grow to not be deserving of a single word for months and months and months.


It feels too much like vacation. 
It won't keep up for long. 
A brief stint of numbness,
soon enough back to the doldrums. 

But

  "Too raw to be embraced."

New Perspective

I see clearly now I will never love again unless in desperate hopes to commiserate. Because I feel now the results of my suggested six months to recoupetate. Space and time inevitably proved equally irrelevant. I presist to misinterpret my melancholy in my new future and element.

Paying Dues Not To Be So Blue

Squander my holy potential, I'd spit in my own face if I could. It's not worth going on like this. I swear to god I'd believe in him if I would. Do not put all your worth into someone who finds such extreme pleasure in making you feel truly worthless. The future looks as barren as the present feels. Someone up there made sure to squash the thought that I could get so much as half back to what I would give in. All I know now is that I'd make the trip if I should find a way to let your hands find my skin. Like that time in your grandparent's mansion. The time back when we were kids. It's the middle of the morning at night and I allow myself to sink into the sands of time, and I delve deep. In my desolate and lightless tunnel, god willing I sleep, or finally let this self depreciative martyr parish. Either way I'll soon be ready to wake with rest this nightmarish.

Assuming It Was No Good

"I was looking for love in an empty vessel
I nearly worked myself to death
I used to put whole worlds around your validations
now I was wondering if I actually should
I kissed my weathered wounds in a haunted old town
my clean ends over dirt and trash
I was thinking of you, what you might have been up to
but confident in assuming it was no good


I was searching for remnants, for relics of my former life
half-hearted books and heart felt keepsakes were all that I could find 
I was searching your bedroom, for any sign of life 
abandoned books and dusty keepsakes were all that I could find"

This Night

This night, and last few months serve as a testament to getting my shit together. Explain more later.

So Heavy

I feel every sidewalk step, for all was turned to drudgeries, the day I looked behind me. I would fucking kick myself, but I cannot while bound by a seemingly permanent clasp, I shackled to myself once.There lies friendship on the left ankle, and love on the right, and oh how they weigh the same, it has kept me in a straight line. But I am so in my head, going in circles, evenly and so small, I practically remain in the same place. This encumbrance is more than a reminder, but a token of assurance, that ensures that I grasp in every second of every day that I lost the two utmost important things to me in that moment. This strain is a confirmation that in the past I have tried my very hardest to keep my favorite cohort, and my favorite interest, and if I could not manage that, expending my greatest diligence, there is absolutely no indication I could ever. Oh what I still have to say and always will, and imaginably wouldn't be this lost if I didn't stray and wander from my path, repeatedly. I believed modestly that this despondence would fade and wither but instead incrusted, and became itself the grout, and I have attempted to make stained glass from my shards but proved to be nothing in the absence of your light. On my left, most nights I would just like to tell you about my day, and on my right, you brought blood to the surface, that I didn't know was there.

"And the silver turns to gray

stay with me arienette, until the wolves are away"

And I Forgot That Life Existed

"Come on in, my weary friend the welcome here is endless.
These fears of yours like painted whores they will not stay the night.
If all your life, you've done what's right, don't say you felt obliged.
Come along use your timid tongue, too shy to tell your story.
This pain in you so far removed from anything you've known.
So I won't condone another moan, not when everything is fine.
So in a drought learn to dance.
And pray the dead will return.
And dream of smoke without fire.
Just come see me again when it burns.
Somewhere here along the way, well I was lead astray
by a wolf in no ones clothing it was a brilliant disguise.
And I forgot that life existed I thought it was just some kind of game.
That's what brings me to your doorstep, though I don't know why I came today
standing still in the dust. given up on the rain.
And as for smoke without fire, I've already laid in the flame.
I've already laid in the flame.
Brother be afraid of flames
well I ain't afraid of flames."

Somethings Will Never Leave You (They Aren't People)

                   It's a beautiful certainty when you realize 
                 you can do absolutely anything, 
                contrasted with the ugly, 
              awful truth that you will 
            unavoidably hold yourself back
          from what you could never deserve.


                  If I can remember happiness,
                    it isn't myself, but the shape the
                       veins in your wrist made, the sound
                           you murmured in your sleep, and
                             not a thing about me that was not 
                               an everlasting fathomless feeling of 
                                 inadequacy that is still there, and here.

Wander Into The Same Dark

“It was as if, in order to love Leonard fully, Madeleine had to wander into the same dark forest where he was lost. There comes a moment, when you get lost in the woods, when the woods begin to feel like home.”

"One thing I learned, between addiction and depression? Depression a lot worse. Depression ain’t something you just get off of. You can’t get clean from depression. Depression be like a bruise that never goes away. A bruise in your mind. You just got to be careful not to touch it where it hurts. It always be there, though."

“She was extending a hand that I didn’t know how to take, so I broke its fingers with my silence.”

If You Want To That Is

I'm reading into his every word, they end with him telling me he will come here if I need him to, he would not necessarily plan to otherwise. It makes me wonder if he also feels the incongruent, untimely precedent weight of what has been, or shortly was. He says if I want to tell him. And whether or not he received my final message, more preeminent is if I ascertained his.


"My body is a dead language and you pronounce each word perfectly.”

With Tears

"I'm glad you got away, but I'm still stuck out here."

Will it all be forever despondent and distant from here on? Give it some time, you won't know me any more. And if I liked myself so much as a little I couldn't anyway, because it would all be on behalf of the things you brought upon and bestowed. I could never repay those who gave me that hopefulness, before it was taken away. 

un·re·spon·sive  (nr-spnsv)

adj.

Exhibiting a lack of responsiveness.

---

unre·sponsive·ly adv.

unre·sponsive·ness n.

Adj.

1.

unresponsive - not responding to some influence or stimulus insensitive - not responsive to physical stimuli; "insensitive to radiation" insensitive - deficient in human sensibility; not mentally or morally sensitive; "insensitive to the needs of the patients" responsive - readily reacting or replying to people or events or stimuli; showing emotion; "children are often the quickest and most responsive members of the audience"

2. unresponsive - aloof or indifferent; "was unresponsive to her passionate advances" cool - psychologically cool and unenthusiastic; unfriendly or unresponsive or showing dislike; "relations were cool and polite"; "a cool reception"; "cool to the idea of higher taxes"

adjective

1. Lacking responsiveness or alertness: benumbed, dull, insensible, insensitive, numb, stuporous, torpid, wooden. See awareness/unawareness.
2. Without emotion or interest: apathetic, detached, impassive, incurious, indifferent, insensible, lethargic, listless, phlegmatic, stolid, unconcerned, uninterested. See feelings.

Are Dead

“The mistakes I’ve made are dead to me. But I can’t take back the things I never did."

I Wanted To Be On

"Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on. I hope you never think about anything as much as I think about you."

You Are A Shadow My Body Leaves

"I have a growing queue of things I know
will make you laugh and I don't know where to put them"

The Best Conversationalist

I am so obsessed with the past. I'm enthralled in it, exalt it, the past is in my every thought, dream, word. I hold its stillness in my hands, I soak it into my pores and live it, feeling it pulse and flow through my veins. Then I squeeze it, both hands, my craving, its fragility, white knuckles, I grab and clench until it comes squeezing out each side and between each finger. This is beyond relishing, this is beyond anything is the actual moment, replaced by memory so completely. I can control my thoughts, I can relay the parts I want to. Every person and each event is not so much playing a part developing my future, but engaging all that was before. I do not feel the present, it does not interest me. I dressed up my previous happenings to be my beautiful, spectacular, flawless everything. I remember it how I want to, and I want to. I feel it in my veins, in my dreams, it's passion, love and happiness, I breathe in, all I could ever want.

So Much Better

       "I understand you so much better when you're not talking."

As Likely

"You will be isolated in your moment of deliberation.
The outcome may not be pretty, but the strength to your personhood that the result of this challenge brings is unmistakable."

This is so big that I knew then as I know now that it isn't about me.

"His blade is a double edged one, and he is as likely to hurt himself. as he is as likely to accomplish his idealistic feat."

I see this in everything for it is my best and my worst.

"Maintaining this aspect in our personality requires us to overcome the endless self-induced cuts, or jaded realities that block what is right. 
Wholeness requires us to hang onto our idealism."

Right?

"Too much thinking has caused your current impasse. Your focus on trivial concerns has stunted the development of fresh ideas, and your recurring stress is nothing more than ongoing commentary in your mind. Fortunately, if you suspend analysis, you’ll get a new vantage point from which to quietly view your life. A project in the making will encounter several frustrating delays. Don’t listen to the naysayers, including the ones in your head. To pull yourself out of this mental deadlock, you will need to make a radical paradigm shift. Be mindful of your words this month as ears are everywhere."

The Hanged Man

"He who can understand that the story of his higher nature 
is imbedded in this symbolism will receive intimations 
concerning a great awakening that is possible, 
and will know that after the sacred Mystery of Death 
there is a glorious Mystery of Resurrection."




"Grant me the wisdom to know what I do not have the power to change."

Normalcy!

11 random things about myself:
1. I'm starting to believe hole in your lip to be more than an expression
2. I admire people who listen to songs on repeat for long amounts of time
3. The warmth of the sun in the morning gives me a glimpse of hope for my day
4. I respect the people in my life, who don't know
5. Happiness for me is when I am conscious of happiness
6. I am ashamed on a daily basis of the things I haven't learned
7. I'm obsessed with compound words
8. I wrote a song in second grade, with a chorus and everything, I spelled chorus wrong at the time
9. One of the first and most important things I watch for is what others watch for
10. I find immense pleasure dwelling on unspoken things
11. A dear friend of mine told me once that when it gets hard he says to himself "just get through the goddamn shift." I think of that when I'm struggling and it helps every time.


11 questions Z asked:
1. My favorite and most prominent is Mollie U. it always makes me happy each time I hear it. I like Moll like when my boss says it by accident (correcting himself each time) and when one person calls me Molls and Mulls.
2. The hardest obstacle I am in the process of overcoming, and realized is the source of all my obstacles (again) this last year, is my mind.
3. "Home" to me is this apartment now. My bed, or with my brother always. Or anywhere with Austin.
4. My favorite food is pineapple pizza. As far as meals just anything familiar or sentimental, South Pine or Sopa.
5. My favorite place to run away to. A movie theater came to mind, but sleep more honestly. (Glee, the most honestly.)
6. I don't take for granted, but seemingly similar is how I act towards those I love in my life and my family. I wish to improve that.
7. Very earliest is a view from the street in Nevato. Then a white fence from a car.
8. Painfully a lefty.
9. Sleeping sockless is one of the most treacherous and uncomfortable things I have ever endured
10. Definitely very sunny, but not through my blinds or curtain. But warmish.
11. Quaint was definitely first.


11 questions for people who also like answering questions:
1. When you think of smiles who/what comes to mind?
2. Absolute favorite guilty pleasure?
3. A lyrics, line or quote that describes you (or life) perfectly?
4. First thought when you look in a mirror?
5. The last event that made you grow?
6. How do you tend to sleep?
7. The best word you've heard?
8. The first movie, book or song that changed how you really thought of things?
9. The last four things that you google searched?
10. Something that will never not make you laugh? (you can't say double negatives)
11. A time you would go back to if you could tweak or alter your words, actions, thoughts, or choices?

Real Happiness

“… In the middle of the non-tragic aspect of it is that pursuit for happiness, real happiness. So oftentimes what happens in the sphere is that one person falls in love with another person and this person.. it may not be reciprocated by this person. And it can cause the person who loves the most to feel like they’re at the mercy of the person who loves the least and it can cause them to sit on the edge of their bed for weeks or even months at a time with the wind knocked out of their heart, in a knife fight with their ego, dealing with this rejection and not knowing what to do ‘cause it can really be all consuming.”

I Felt Compelled To Tell You

The fear forefront in my mind.

I was having a hard time, and I recall in a very fleeting manner I made a decision to do something brash to isolate myself, I believe to think. Where ever I was, which felt like Highway 20 but looked more like space, it was fairly dark and I was extremely high up. I did not look over the edge. The small platform I was on seemed to be made of a black steel, and had a low gate around it, that looked like bars. The lights of the city in many colors and in every direction lay far, far beneath me, I seemed only vaguely aware of that. My crippling fear of heights was momentarily at bay, remaining in my head, and alone in the middle of where ever I was. Then, to my surprise, a person had ridden to where I had taken myself, I was conscious that it was a segue way in their travel, and the vibe of my surroundings felt more like college, and I struck myself on a pathway I could not get down from. This person is precisely who it would be, and subsequent to my shock I immediately came to terms with this. I did not think that this person came to this place for me, but contemplate if them moving to the city had anything to do with me. They knew I was here, and here first. I was bombarded in this confined space with this person now there and this short-ish asian who followed that person there. They seemed to be new friends, but I didn't take it seriously and noticed the girl's demeanor, then thick black hair. This random person who I literally thought of as 'random' lingered behind us as we spoke, I wasn't sure exactly what to say and let that person lead and carry the conversation. The person seemed happy and I saw, and heard that. They showed interest in me and everything I spoke of, mostly pertaining to myself, they responded knowingly instantly. I would talk of something and they would just know. I became increasingly disturbed by the unsafe platform and how absurdly high up I was. No one else was fearful at all, and I was only scared for myself, and very scared. I knew when they kept walking and I was left alone again the fear would hit me, hard, it would devour me and whether or not I would attempt to find a way down, I would be faced with something awful. My panic then started to increase, I needed to then tell this person of my concerning state, I say I don't know if they know but I have "This fear of heights." They replied laughingly that they "Remembered", retelling stories of our past. As pleased as I am by the conversation, in the forefront of my mind is only how terrified I am, how in danger I am of falling, and how much worse it would be. I then think of this person recollecting all these memories of me, and it reminds me of the night with the white strips. I feel loved and revered, it felt so good and had been so long. I am shown then the quiet friend, it was both trivial and significant. I know this, and also laughed to myself at how appropriate it was that they had the upper-hand, so stupidly, but I was blatantly alone and this person had brought a friend. They had to leave, a path I could not go, there was no big goodbye and then they walked off into the darkness. I looked over the side then, I absorbed completely the microscopic dim yellow lights that were the city, and the world below. I felt the terror in my chest, the horror of this all-consuming and engulfing fear, and could think of and feel nothing else. I shouldn't have come, it wasn't worth it. This was my fear, I was panicked, trapped and alone, with only that. My breathes are deep, fast, hard, and mortified. I then wake up.

You Told Me You'd Never Forgive Me If I Did What I Did And You Never Did

"It's gone
and might never reappear."

I memorized things, like your freckles
like a map, so I could find my way back home
(to safety, security and comfort)
now time has elapsed, and I can't recall things
like your favorite color (I think it was yellow)
I do remember that feeling
still present in my dreaming
you are always watching and observing me
and no one may ever care again
but I don't know you any longer
not relevant to this feeling
I could never for a second blame you
since I still hold you as perfect
you could never do anything wrong
too intricate and premeditated
I was messy
still kicking myself each painstaking minute
(that I fucked it up, like I do)
I messed things up with you
I truly thought capable to lift you up
from that place you had been laid
with my innocence, with my meaning well
but I was digging my grave,
pulling skeletons from my own closet,
and rising my ghosts up from hell

know I am still sorry for bringing to light
those things you put to rest
know I haven't been able to rest since

ps- you became such a large part of me that I became unable to forgive myself until you forgave me but you never did and never will.

Sad Sleep Stays Spine

"Well I've cried and you would think I'd be better for it
But the sadness just sleeps and it stays in my spine
For the rest of my life
And I've learned and you'd think I'd be something more now,
But it just goes to show it is not what you know
It's what you were thinking at the time.
This feeling's familiar, I've been here before
In a kitchen this quiet I waited for 
A sign or just something that might reassure me of anything close 
To meaning or motion with a reason to move
I need something, I want to be close to
And I scream, but I still don't know why I do it
'Cause the sound never stays it just swells and decays
So what is the point?
Why try to fight what is now so certain?
The truth is all that I am is a passing event that will be forgotten."

Warm Yellow Light

"I really just want to be a warm yellow light that pours over everyone I love"

Amends

"Well, I made amends

in the general sense

but the devil's in the details"

Since Or Before

"but 
I still loved you more 
than anyone since 
or before."

Sick Garble For The Uninspired

Getting your most personal worst fears confirmed is indeed a terrible thing. But it is not so much that another has ruined, destroyed, or even killed a part of you, someone just made your life worth living for a little while. The issues, insecurities and despising one's self were long ago ingrained, perhaps even in the process of your dna construction. I've come to terms with some simple and bittersweet revelations, I'd like to think, in the past two days. I have been repeating to myself that not every portion of everyone's life is exciting, and love-filled, and fulfilling, joyous and something to indefinitely write home about. There will be calm stints, that do not mean it is all over. I have such a natural catastrophe-driven outlook when it comes to my life, and myself, prepared for the worst paired with being so devastated over how I expect things to go. Life changes when you are conscious and able enough to make action, or any decision, with the knowledge in mind and heart that you are the person in control. The best situations in my life have arisen from my own effort towards them and appreciation of them. I read something somewhere last night so trite, so repetitive and even plainly stated, somehow or another it hit me like a ton of bricks. What I read was how all things come to an end, everything, and it was about the silliness in thinking that something would last forever. It's not sad that it's ended, or it is over, it was real and it happened and it ended because each and every thing does. I was in awe of such a concept I had known so well. It had to end sometime, what's so bad about it ending when it had to? I have realized I need some saving, but nonetheless I will not live my life in such a total and outright pity party. Grow up. "Yeah, being twenty years old, twenty one, and not knowing what you're going to do." Join the club. Just try to be content in any way possible in the time being. I wanted less for my self, and was choked and blinded by its truths. The things that haunt and torture me may in fact proceed to for so many years to come, as years that they have, possibly even for so long that they carry into my next lifetime, perchance they already did from the prior.

World

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”

Lost Or Come Up Missing

“If you think being jealous and overwhelmed and beaten and tired, dysfuncted and damaged, strapped to your baggage, dirty, ruined, and hurt like critical, cynical, scathing, if you’re lost or have come up missing, scarred and scared (or pretending you aren’t), when you think that’s all you’ve got, it’s not.”

Delusional Expectation

“Melancholia: a profoundly painful dejection,

cessation of interest in the outside world, 

loss of the capacity to love, inhibition of all activity, 

and a lowering of the self-regarding feelings to a degree

 that finds utterance in self-reproaches and self-revilings,

 and culminates in a delusional expectation of punishment.”

No, Nothing

      "I hear your name, no, nothing has changed."

Give These Sorts Of Things Air

“The lover is intolerable (by his heaviness) to the beloved.”

A Group Of Characters

All in the limbo stage of “growing up,”"


“The most honest and real sections, however, are found in what the characters remember, attempt to forget, and think about remembering and forgetting too often. The characters think about the same problems, the struggles, the relationships that have been plaguing them since they began school. They wonder how they could have done things differently. They complain. They hate themselves. They’re happy, sad, angry."

Earthshakingly

“In all these cases, the damage was done before you knew you were damaged. The worst part was that, as the years passed, these memories became, in the way you kept them in a secret box in your head, taking them out every so often to turn them over and over, something like dear possessions. They were key to your unhappiness. They were the evidence that life wasn’t fair. If you weren’t a lucky child, you didn’t know you weren’t lucky until you got older. And then it was all you ever thought about.”

“He remained heartbroken, which meant one of two things: either his love was pure and true and earthshakingly significant; or he was addicted to feeling forlorn, he liked being heartbroken.”

Gets It

"It's funny how fast you can know someone."
"Because you've met them before." 
"Exactly."

Some Things Were Never Meant To Float

   "i've never been in a shipwreck
   but i know they exist
   and the experience must be something close to this
hopeless feeling that gets reeled in from oceans for emotions sick"

Yeah

“yeah, I thought you were beautiful, 

but I wept with your movements.”

As Hard As

“You know, as hard as certain things have been for me, it’s been harder thinking about how things will be for her."

How Am I

how are you supposed to know the way you are intended to be treated 

how to do know what is actually deserving 

how do you know when or when not to let your feelings get hurt 

how do you know what memories to keep, or remove ones you no longer want to 

am I in control of my dreams and creating them subconsciously 

will my entire life be spent reminiscing upon the once saddening recent past 

will I ever enjoy anything nearly as much as my bed in the darkness

Not Here Not Now But Somwhere

if I gotta go on like this, I don't know how
I hear your heart, when you sing loud
it feels right it feels good in mine
and I know with whom I'd be with
where I could say I'm fine

Save My Life

                    "I was trying to save my life, it didn't work."

Same

We'll all feel the same way forever, because we have no means to change it, and we don't know how to. Whether I hate myself in my mirrors reflection, or in the reflection of another, my sentiments remain present because I remain so. I don't want to feel lost, even when I am actually found, because I've been found before, and the fear of it getting lost will smother it, and anything. I am always trying to get it back, get it all back, feel like I did before, when I was miserable, the same as now, and the same as forever. I always felt like I was disappearing, it's difficult to feel like I exist very much, when I hardly do, now. 
I actually believe I am too sad to live, as in to go on. Because nights will come, and they will grow later, and I will inevitably and out of my control, succumb to this exact feeling. It will reassure me of everything I have ever tried to push out, or forget, or try not to give into completely. And I will shoot myself in the foot, just to make sure that I get to it first before anyone else. I knew my recovery rate was very slow, but drawn out years have lead me to a place where I think I'm worse off, because it's the same, and I don't want to feel the same way, forever.