Same

We'll all feel the same way forever, because we have no means to change it, and we don't know how to. Whether I hate myself in my mirrors reflection, or in the reflection of another, my sentiments remain present because I remain so. I don't want to feel lost, even when I am actually found, because I've been found before, and the fear of it getting lost will smother it, and anything. I am always trying to get it back, get it all back, feel like I did before, when I was miserable, the same as now, and the same as forever. I always felt like I was disappearing, it's difficult to feel like I exist very much, when I hardly do, now. 
I actually believe I am too sad to live, as in to go on. Because nights will come, and they will grow later, and I will inevitably and out of my control, succumb to this exact feeling. It will reassure me of everything I have ever tried to push out, or forget, or try not to give into completely. And I will shoot myself in the foot, just to make sure that I get to it first before anyone else. I knew my recovery rate was very slow, but drawn out years have lead me to a place where I think I'm worse off, because it's the same, and I don't want to feel the same way, forever.