Even A Lot Of Other Things

I see now that I broke trust with myself, I made promises and promises and promises, that I would never tell a soul, but couldn't hold. I watched myself betray my own word, and like this was anything else at all,  find myself saying, "You promised..." And whether it be to think or do something, stick to something, act a certain way, refrain, control, withstand. You promised not to get triggered, feel that sick twinge in your gut. I drift away, focusing so intently, endeavoring to decipher the difference between the present and past. Trying to decipher between my story and sentiments, and every other story explained to me. I promised that I wouldn't make a 'me' and a 'you' in every single passage, because the me just has the lower hand, and resorts to the most extreme self loathing and depreciation when talked about by any others. I feel the anguish and disgust for every pathetic person, especially those who grovel, I promised myself never ever to do that. I promised myself to stick to the important things, heart in it or not, I said not to revert so easily, back to myself. So what do you do, when you can no longer trust yourself with your life? You look at your anguish, and patterns, and privately shattered promises, the way someone says that someone totally else was wracked with self doubt and an absence of faith. You feel rejection and insulted because they were talking of you, you feel rejection and insulted because you promised, promised not to feel that way. And I can forge happiness, and presumably even a lot of other things, but what do you do when you cannot trust yourself any more?


I took sleeping pills and fucked up the tenses, worse than ever, the point I was attempting to get across was that it's tough to tell which pledge to keep.