Just Once

A friend explained to me once why it is that I rehash late at night; crawling scraping and pleading for the results that I nearly get, once had. I'll get as close as I can, light myself on fire to feel the comfortable pain of old flames. (If I choke and cry I'll tell myself I must have done something right.) The worst is that the conscious awareness of this problem did not decrease it in any way, but rather somehow heightened it, and its potential to go as far and deep as I am able to go. Building barriers, and walls just to break them down while trying to catch a little sleep, I know that now there is nothing else I would rather do, and it's no wonder I wake up each morning to a dream from you.