Surrogate

you leave me indistinct hints and clues

to string me along

i say that everything ends for me in disarray

you literally say that "sounds okay"

you do not know me

you say, "it sounds like you don't want to do your own thing"

i scoff angrily, "i assure you that is never something i do not wish to do"

assuming so boastfully that i need you

we both walk away, not wanting to argue, could never wish to bother

you are my father

you are a stream of words and emotions and fears and truths and questions and opinions and apologies and stories and ideas

i don't have room for a word in edgewise

as you spout how there you are for me

you smother me in nervous selfishness (worse than mine)

as you admit how addicted you get

you are anxious

pacing, analyzing, eating, fidgeting, running, repeating, thinking, talking

how ironic i thought to myself, that you never learned the definition of gloaming

we fight till the death, it couldn't be a waste of breath, we were fashioned for this

you wake me up in the night to tell me of something i could never remember

because it isn't about me, never was and never will be

i thought i was an exception, to a rule i articulated, as you spoke over

you do not understand anything, and why that is you will forever wonder

you are my mother 

   

you seek out and find what you know

but as far as what i want, you are far from what that would bestow

even so, lessons in growth

you trigger my dishonest secrecy and my ocd

though that's not why all of my dreams have been about hating you lately