How To Feel Or Live

But if I told you that I've been itching for a million-year breather, you would never understand.
I never let on how desperate my need for attention.


I am just unsure how, to feel or live now.

Sunsetting

  "now all I’ve got is old footage to help me bide
  and it seems that pictures of an old life have helped me to pass mine by
  I miss every word, every lesson learned
  well I’ve been sunsetting so damn long
  and the length of those lies only stretches so far
  in hell like this, on nights like these
  I just miss your humor, I just need someone to blame tonight
  you know I could never hang in as hard as I could hang on,
  and here I am again."

We All Meant Well

I had a dream that I was in class, but had to leave, because I was too in my head, unsorted, and scattered. When my teacher scolded me for doing so, I started to explain, to which she just said that my things were unorganized, unfocused, and everywhere, handing me a heavy book I did not even want. Feeling bad for my being so upset, she then attempted to comfort me, and began to instruct me, and demonstrate a game that she liked to play. The game had various different colored chips, and a lot of rules that I did not understand. She wanted to play with me very much, and ran me through an example on my desk so that we could. I started to well up, wanting to tell her how much that I hate games, and how badly they make my head hurt. She was not teaching me in a way that I can learn, but continued to do so, in hopes that it would finally sink in. I wanted to leave, and did not understand anything.

[What I took from this, is that I feel too much of a mess to remain in anything that I could benefit from, probably even literally school. People do not know how to help this problem, for I do not know how to properly relay or explain this problem, and furthermore, I do not know how to help myself. I leave situations when I feel that it is better for the other person, and easier for me. The game represented all of the things that hold me back from feeling better, because I am convinced (possibly rightfully) that I cannot grasp or learn them. Having the book, was the fear that I did not in fact desire the thing once it is finally obtained, and wanting/getting things for the wrong reasons. The teacher is everyone that I quietly idolize, look up to, and wish more than anything not to disappoint, so, everyone that I care about.]

Life Imitates Art

"Hurt people hurt people."

"youth is wasted on the young."

"I'd go as far as to say life is wasted on people."

   

Young

 “Some people turn sad awfully young. No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer
and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I’m one of them.”

Just Want

“I really just want to be warm yellow light

 that pours over everyone I love.”

I Follow

"Like a needle she leads me
Well, I follow like thread

But you untied me - didn't you untie me?"



Stop telling me that I care too much, I obviously cannot help it.

Precarious

There is nothing more cathartic than speaking. I can scream, I can dance, I can write, I can laugh, I can sleep, I can drive, I can run. Nothing is more healing for me than intimately conversing. Though, nothing is more speculative, in that you can not read the other's thoughts, as much as you try. It is all very precarious, because all of your feelings could be dependent on a false sense of acceptance and understanding. This is why each conversation must be an exchange, and there must be trust in order for there to be healing. I cannot find solace in potentially benevolent lies. That is also why I hold language so dear to me, because words speak louder than actions, and if someone is telling you something so genuinely true, it will be so significant and honest that you do not so much as think to doubt it. Mutually sharing is the only time that I feel worth something, and I believe that one of the few ways, if not the only way, of learning, growing, and healing is through communicative support. As I have been surrounded by much superficiality, masks, cons, deception and utmost, neglect, it gives me a tremendous feeling of fading away into the falsehood of human nature. It all very much makes me aware, and endlessly appreciative of sincerity, and the strife to be real and true against all odds, and uncomfortability. This distant, disconnected feeling that I have been feeling, I see clearly now, is due to a distance, and disconnection. I struggle enormously in the areas of speech, and honesty. The two paired together nearly cripple me, and encourage me in a very inherent way to withdraw completely. Unfortunately, there is nothing more important to me, this, in turn, to purify and be purified. My biggest regret in a partnership will be to not allow for a safe place between us to share, because of how I essentially am. Once the walls are down, we can begin to aid all that is enclosed behind them.


"Our curiosity was blossoming like a rose, we wanted to know, we really wanted to know, all the unknowable things about each other and how we were the same and how we were different, if we even were, maybe nobody is. We wanted to strike lightening in dark waters, to see, if only for a second, the entire world that lives down there, the ten million species in amazing colors and patterns; show us life, now."

Pathetic Empathetic

I have empathy in all situations, for I also have found the wrong means to eternally validate my being.

(Also, I see my defense mechanisms at work, and it is such a bitter, elated feeling caring about someone less.)

All Of The Ways A Human Can Disappoint

    
 Thank you for making me aware of my stupid vagueness.

Nothing

 for a year I was convinced that you were in a bad place and did not want me there
 for a year I was convinced that I was in a bad place and you did not want to be there
 now? nothing, nothing happened

Difficult

You left me when you needed me least

and every single emotion and idea is derived from that befall

how does this happen?

Obsessive compulsive dysfunction

press repeat, replay, stay

in those moments forever

because their dead remnants shine brighter

than anything that these people do not have the want 

to so much as attempt to conjure up

the shards of my broken mirror mistakes

make me feel alive in murky surface reactions with no reflection

our salty exchanges

and I am bleeding fucking everywhere

I call you perfect

you call me difficult

"I would rather never talk again than continue to pretend that this never ends"

When You're Sad

""
""

Close Distance

"I think if everyone just said what they were actually holding back, progress would finally be made."

Scraped

I try to bare my soul
but your name comes out
like marbles
I try to look for help
but it sounds an awful lot like
ice on a windshield

everywhere I go
they are saying your name
your reputation succeeds you
and consumes me

I am finding out about worth
and it seems worth it

if I am grateful for nothing else
it is learning

(I see you and the whole rest of my life is ruined
also this has been the hardest year
but I will not say that
the next)

Delicate Thoughts

"It's very delicate and thoughtful stuff"

I need your friendship like tea needs a tea bag.
Concentrated, organized, held, kept, monitored, cared for, safety.

"The quiet can scrape all the calm from your bones
But maybe it should, maybe we need to be hollowed"

On And On

Mirror

you accentuate my every fault and flaw, without even saying a word
oh how hard it is finding someone worth being better for

"You haven’t met yourself yet. But the advantage to meeting others in the meantime is that one of them may present you to yourself."

Corpse Roads

"And I'm so damned scared of dying without you

that I've come prepared

resolve from my life to wear a funeral suit

don't lie, don't lie, don't lie

I know we're fixing to die

and don't tell me how

I'll smile and pretend it won't show to the crowd

and I'll go without

punish myself for not knowing about

this lie, this lie, this lie

that we're fixing to die

and don't lie, don't lie, don't lie

I know we are fixing to die

and I'll be like this till the wounds leave the cry

and I won't give in, we'll be dead in the eyes

and I will see the dark things that you all try to hide

and I will not be the damnedest bit fucking surprised

no I won't be the damnedest bit fucking surprised

so let's not lie, let's not lie, let's not lie

I know we're fixing to die

don't lie, let's not lie, let's not lie

I know we're fixing to die"

Always Enticing

 you never ask me how I am doing
 and there is something so enticing
 about being irrelevant

Bathing

"Bath 
To dream that you are taking a bath signifies a cleansing of your outer and inner self. You are washing away the difficult times. This dream may also be symbolic of ridding yourself of old ideas, notions, opinions, and other negativities. Your dream may be pointing toward forgiveness and letting go."

"Bathtubs 
To see or be in a bathtub in your dream suggests a need for self-renewal and escape from everyday problems. You need to rid yourself of the burdens that you have been carrying. Alternatively, it indicates your mood for love and pursuit of pleasure and relaxation."

"Naked
To dream that you are naked denotes fear of being found out and exposed over your activities. You feel that you are being misjudged. To dream that you suddenly discover your nudity and are trying to cover up signifies your vulnerability to a situation."
"To see a naked person in your dream and you are disgusted by it represents some anxiety about discovering the naked truth about that person or situation. It may also foretell of an illicit love affair, a loss of prestige or some scandalous activity."

I remember feeling anxious, a little stressed and worried about seeing you, or you seeing me, I mean I was in your house and all. I was in your living room, to my left of where the fireplace would be, in a fairly large white tub. The water had a thin, opaque layer of lavender colored suds on top of it, and I knew that I needed to be clean, but did not exactly know why it was I felt that I could not leave yet. The bathtub was new, and squarish, I floated around a bit in it, thoughts racing all the while, thinking about a lot of things. Suddenly you were walking up, then standing there in front of me, I felt a bit caught, and watched for your reaction. You were calm, placid, I was embarrassed, ashamed, I remember attempting to cover myself up as much as I could. I was abashed, humiliated, while still being glad to be speaking with you. I felt and watched me play everything up, and you play everything down. The bubbles dissolved with my movements until they were translucent; I was stark, uneasy, me. You stood there, never getting mad, never really being visibly affected enough, but also understanding. You found your way to remain the onset of everything, never getting involved all the while. I bare my truth, and you take it in, and I never know what you do with it.
As horrified with what has been displayed, as the need to display it.

Relative

"All this pain and hurt is relative"

you're taunting me, can tell it by your face

you feel each step away, so I am dragged backwards like gravity

I can't even say who is negative and who is positive

I Am Done

"I will find a crowd and blend in for a minute 
And I will try to find a little comfort in it

And I will get lonely and gasp for air
And send your name off from my lips
Like a signal flare"

   We bring out the worst in each other, and it is sad, but time to stop that, and this.
   The memory lasts longer than the event, I remember now and feel worse, time has come, to forget. 

“I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship.“

   I am so fucking sorry.

 (this voyage has been selfish, and I did not find what I was looking for, I only found myself)

Flowers

Spending all of my energy beating the same dead dead dead horse

when all of the flowers need watering

Stream

I am working on feeling more rational feelings
it is hard
I am seeing everything as being VERY manipulative, and manipulated
everything is about self esteem, and I would like to spend my time with people where it is less about that
he sat next to me, and read me a story about the degradation of two people within two years
it was all so relevant

everything I saw and heard was about me
it is important to stay home
and very, very important to stay at home this week

if I do not see you, it will be great
really good for us both
if you ever contact me again
it will be about boredom 

I was thinking tonight about how parents,
or at least my parents, did not explain to me how suicide really worked
I was thinking how my life is really good, and even has the potential to be far more amazing
I hate myself
you kill a mind, you kill a heart
you kill memories, and your future

I thought up all the pros and cons
the con only being the unknown
of what is afterwards
it could even be another life
where I am me all over again
and do not even know it

my will to live goes in and out
like breaths
fluctuates like my nervous
murmuring heart
saying that it is time to get up
but convincing myself that 
I am too tired

why get up just to go back down
why breath in, just to breath right back out
thinking about
every
little
thing
to the fullest extent

whether or not it is even empty

Some Form

"I don't even want you back. 
No, I would never want to risk something like that. 
'Cause I lost faith in myself, 
when I turned away from the one with the longest stretch of embracing arms to hold me. 
So now I'm all alone. 
I guess God grew too tired to fix the mistakes he made with love. 
I think his biggest mistake was making me.
 

I think that you deserve some form of apology. 
So here I am, at the end, I'm sorry."

Bitter

It must suck to have all of your progress erased, I wouldn't know a thing about that

it must suck to think so very highly of someone only to watch them change into something so very bad

I wouldn't know a thing about that

So That I Remember

the last thing 
that I need
is another person 
observing me 
from afar

Self Sabotage

  As if I could be subconsciously looking out for myself.

Insanity

he asked me what was wrong, i replied nothing was wrong, i was just worried that i would never enjoy myself again.


i am so sad for you, i am so sad for me, and for everyone, and i am so incredibly disappointed, in everyone and all of this. 

"she always weighed me down
but afraid I might need her, I dragged her around"

you patiently and carefully
gracefully and graciously
tipped toed and slowed us back into
something normal and something good
i bulldozed through all of that
mediocre nonsense
just trying to kill us off again
when all that i want is to want to live

i am so dramatic
"oh my god, I could kill myself just thinking about it"

Goes Down The Same

"An empty or a half full glass, 
it all goes down the same



And I will beg and steal and borrow to keep you safe your whole life"

Vacant

"Call me outside I'll come running down.
When I satisfied each need invented by my eye
I was a nest by a fox hole or dirt underneath your boot soles.
When I satisfied each need invented by my eye
It was nothing like I'd imagined.

Like cocaine, their green eyes fixed on the television to pass the time until their two miles of elegant blinds halfway raised for the watching as you walked by.
"Look, come down to the window - she carries a candle at mid-day while the sun's still so high!"
But you knew better than to pay mind to what people and the devil say.
Call me outside, I'll come running down into your vacant, intoxicating night.
Call me outside to their haunted streets, their red electric lights.
I'm on the sad side of a nowhere town."

I don't want to be anywhere.

He looked at me and said that if he knew my life depended on it then we should have set higher hopes.

Desperation

"I had been vividly in touch with myself for
[my entire life] and now I'd had enough."

Disconnection

The ties that formed a means of understanding and relating to all of those that I care for have slipped from my hands.

The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back

I am only writing this right now to merely distract my mind from the less painful things that it wanders to. You liked me because of how my past, and the world, shaped me, whether that was my choice or not. You liked that the cruel, bad, the little things, did not harden me, turn me cold, those things did not make me bitter or mean. Superficial. You saw and felt how things affected me, saddened me, made me compassionate, understanding, vulnerable. I was different than most people, and you said that you knew that from the very first time that we spoke. This was not at all because I was nice, or friendly, open, or even weak, but I think because I was not the same. As time passed, you and I discovered together how I was in fact no better off because of how I dealt with it all, you did help me, while being as provoked as turned off by my honesty and sensitivity. I did not lash out, or actually give many hints whatsoever at what I was contemplating or feeling inside. You would be devastated in turn every single time that I got away with playing it cool. I was fragile, but I was real, you liked that, you even called me "simple", and I tried my very best not to immediately (and forever) take that negatively. My sensitive nature's expanse did not end within myself; you liked how terribly concerned I was with dealing with you, and even moreover, you, singularly. You liked that you could make me feel however you wanted me to, that I was malleable, but still so much myself. It was so bittersweet for the both of us how moved I was by practically and seemingly everything. You liked how I held close each story, every word, all details about you, I respected our privacy, and yours. I spoke the words more times than you had ever heard, "I have never told anyone this ever before". Though, it appeared that all things affected me quite deeply, that I was possibly growing, but indefinitely growing increasingly damaged over all things. I thought too much, too in-depth, too long, too specifically. I was so sentimental that I could kill us both in that, you liked it, it also revolted you. I was dependable, enduring, but smothering, overbearing. It was spectacular and terrible, the weight of knowing what it was that you meant to me. I worsened a bit will all things, I gave up, easily, easier. You saw my slow recovery, you knew of the sulking, the mulling over, the writing, the picking apart. You felt the self-loathing, the melancholy, the mistrust, the incurable infatuation with melodramatics. I told you I was in love with you, but not to worry about it, I told you that because I cared about you more than I loved you. When you disappeared, the aspects that I could not find either were a tiny bit of faith, self-esteem, my motivation, determination, a little reason to wake up in the morning, a small amount of try. You sneakily crawled out from under my heavy and different caring, knowing that I would never be the same. But that it was worth it.

We both knew I thought too highly of you, for both of our sakes.

Two Thousand Twelve

last year I wrote:  

with you 

it was all so sensory, i was able to feel it then, how i knew it would end - cold turkey 

like the day after thanksgiving 

realizing we'll probably never have another holiday together again

while this year:  

I will stay in hiding 

from you, and everything 

in a dark, and closed-mouthed sort of shame

I See Now

I don't love you or miss you now
I only miss that time when life was better
I convince myself of this until
I think about your letters..

Almost

 

 

A Full Night's Sleep

1. never give yourself what you think you deserve, always give yourself more than that.
2. if someone has left you hanging, if everyone has left you hanging, see what it is that they left you with, preservation, or rope.
3. he prepared for the fire that would burn every bit of proof that the last year existed, i wished to join in, whatever that meant, though didn't have the energy.
4. i had a dream last night that you wouldn't really look at me, just sat near by, listening intently to everything that i said. all my words, all of my actions (dramatic ploys), all for you, but looked as if for others, or even farther off, for myself. you spoke to me once the entire dream, after observing me so carefully from the corner of your eye, you asked if i was going to oakland, i wanted more than anything to have the willpower not to reply (fight fire with fire), but instead spoke, "yes".

Misrepresentation

I've never felt this way before, like I have tricked everyone into thinking I am someone that I am not (or rather, am a whole lot more of).

Piteousness

you give me a half inch
i run miles until i am sick

you always land on your feet
the difference between you and i
i land face first again, and again
like, "meet me half way"

arrested development, i'll add to the list of things you took hostage
take the easy way out, once more, because
(you don't)
call me pathetic finally, let's get this whole thing over with
i have been waiting so long, since before i even was