Precarious

There is nothing more cathartic than speaking. I can scream, I can dance, I can write, I can laugh, I can sleep, I can drive, I can run. Nothing is more healing for me than intimately conversing. Though, nothing is more speculative, in that you can not read the other's thoughts, as much as you try. It is all very precarious, because all of your feelings could be dependent on a false sense of acceptance and understanding. This is why each conversation must be an exchange, and there must be trust in order for there to be healing. I cannot find solace in potentially benevolent lies. That is also why I hold language so dear to me, because words speak louder than actions, and if someone is telling you something so genuinely true, it will be so significant and honest that you do not so much as think to doubt it. Mutually sharing is the only time that I feel worth something, and I believe that one of the few ways, if not the only way, of learning, growing, and healing is through communicative support. As I have been surrounded by much superficiality, masks, cons, deception and utmost, neglect, it gives me a tremendous feeling of fading away into the falsehood of human nature. It all very much makes me aware, and endlessly appreciative of sincerity, and the strife to be real and true against all odds, and uncomfortability. This distant, disconnected feeling that I have been feeling, I see clearly now, is due to a distance, and disconnection. I struggle enormously in the areas of speech, and honesty. The two paired together nearly cripple me, and encourage me in a very inherent way to withdraw completely. Unfortunately, there is nothing more important to me, this, in turn, to purify and be purified. My biggest regret in a partnership will be to not allow for a safe place between us to share, because of how I essentially am. Once the walls are down, we can begin to aid all that is enclosed behind them.


"Our curiosity was blossoming like a rose, we wanted to know, we really wanted to know, all the unknowable things about each other and how we were the same and how we were different, if we even were, maybe nobody is. We wanted to strike lightening in dark waters, to see, if only for a second, the entire world that lives down there, the ten million species in amazing colors and patterns; show us life, now."