Stream

I am working on feeling more rational feelings
it is hard
I am seeing everything as being VERY manipulative, and manipulated
everything is about self esteem, and I would like to spend my time with people where it is less about that
he sat next to me, and read me a story about the degradation of two people within two years
it was all so relevant

everything I saw and heard was about me
it is important to stay home
and very, very important to stay at home this week

if I do not see you, it will be great
really good for us both
if you ever contact me again
it will be about boredom 

I was thinking tonight about how parents,
or at least my parents, did not explain to me how suicide really worked
I was thinking how my life is really good, and even has the potential to be far more amazing
I hate myself
you kill a mind, you kill a heart
you kill memories, and your future

I thought up all the pros and cons
the con only being the unknown
of what is afterwards
it could even be another life
where I am me all over again
and do not even know it

my will to live goes in and out
like breaths
fluctuates like my nervous
murmuring heart
saying that it is time to get up
but convincing myself that 
I am too tired

why get up just to go back down
why breath in, just to breath right back out
thinking about
every
little
thing
to the fullest extent

whether or not it is even empty