Vainglorious

"I still miss you. I only miss you when I want to. I only miss you."

I am so sick of this magical thinking bullshit. Everything is predictable and fated because everyone is so them in their their-ness. How egomaniacal of me, to conceive that I had any control of anything or anyone aside from myself, and self-depreicating; to forfeit all self-control. Convenient. Energy does not make a lasting impression, does not hang people up, hold them back; events do, situations do, feelings do, thoughts do. The only preordained thing in this world is dna and genetics, the only coincidences probably go utterly unnoticed. Humans are independent, separate entities, with detached thoughts and feelings. Society has ingrained a false idea of mutual-ness, that is in reality, unobtainable. I coveted for so long, the romantic notion that there were intangible, unseen ties, that bonded two people, magic, love. I believed so strongly in love, and all that it entailed for me, that I began to consider God, and unprecievable realms, that nothing before me was how it seemed, or was. I relished, and writhed in my day-dreamy wishful thinking. I know now that the only thing making a person hold importance within me, is myself, putting them on their pedestal. No higher power, or greater plan is keeping me in the places and positions that I am in, for some destiny that only appears convoluted in the moment. It is confusing to me though, how I was so clouded by optimism when it was so incredibly dark and pessimistic. What do I even want? I am writing this to remind myself that I find a very real enjoyment in placing the blame where it should not be placed; on myself, and on others, in all the wrong moments. Half of me wants to believe that my body is a temporary vessel for my beautiful everlasting soul, and half of me knows we'll all end up dirt or ashes. All of me hates my overwrought struggling with such cliche and contrived subjects. If psychics can be partially incorrect, are they psychic? If religions can be outdated, is law? Furthermore, if I believe in evolution, what did I evolve from? Anyway, the point of all this is that I hope and anticipate executing my life in a self-reliant way. There are a million things that I could accuse for a million different things, but I needed to be reminded, and often do, that I am half my mother, and half my father. Only I can make my own life a worth while one. After all of my self created misfortune, I presume that I just got bitter, too bitter in fact, to feel any longer that this was all just planned within the mediocre stars. Sure, maybe the moon is affecting us all, the waves, the water. The agonizing over how things were spectacular when they were once surreal has got to end, the memory of living within the moment is indeed fading over the years, of not doing so.

"Nothing magic lasts."

 (I may never recover from being born, then again, I have been known to blow things out of proportion...)