A Different View

I couldn't sleep

I wasn't sure why

I wanted to write

and I wanted to write to lizz 

I'm in LA and it is the eve of Christmas Eve, I'm curled up on Victoria's couch and there is a candle burning, the one we bought each other for Christmas, and it smells really good. I wanted to tell you that my feelings towards happiness have changed so much for the better through my struggles; I cherish it so much. I think there's a healthy amount of fear in love and gratitude, the concern for it all ending. Today I spent the morning with Victoria, Ryan and Leo, the afternoon with my mom (I saw my uncle Steve and mom's best friend Vicky, too) and spent tonight with Andy. It's been really good for me here, I guess we knew it would be. Every morning Ryan gets up and he says what do you guys want for breakfast? And every night he comes to the living room and asks, what do you guys want to do for dinner? I can't help but think about talking to Dylan on the phone, him telling me that people should not be alone, us in our respective isolation. My mom was right about one thing, you can't live like you do on vacation -- life is work. She asked me about my "healing" with Austin, which irked me in that I am always the one in need of healing. She asked me about you also, I said I've been better at communicating with you, and when she asked if you were staying I told her that I hoped. I don't like speaking of you, with my mom or Andy or anyone, but secretly I do. My problem is not that I need to spend time with people, it's who I should be spending time with. I talked to my mom about school for a while, she told me that I should have a relationship with my father, then she told me that she said that because she didn't mean to "diss him" as she as earlier. Hanging out with Andy again was funny and fun, we get immediately in our same routine, making fun of each other, laughing. I told him I needed to go and he got mad and said good go, I want to go to sleep, he said he'd probably see me tomorrow and I knew that he would. Spending so much time with him tonight, talking made me realize not only how he sees me (a joke of a failure weirdo) but it crystalized the significance of how your loved ones view you. It is so incredibly important to me how I am seen by my family and friends, obviously not in a superficial sense, I just mean how it makes me feel when I get in their head which I am constantly attempting to do. I was glad that I called you (you called me) before I left town because even though I told you that I hate our phone conversations and you believed me, I actually don't, and it leaves me with a strong feeling closeness that really (pacifies) comforts me. The things I remind myself when I think of you are: That you are distracted with your life, the life around you, and that doesn't change or affect our relationship, that you wish to know where I am, and do care about what I am doing, and recently I've reminded myself that although it feels like you love me less, people love other people varying amounts at different times and that is completely okay. You told me on the phone that you don't know what I'm thinking, which made me think that you've thought about it and that you'd care to know and it made me feel better. I truly hope to bring home a lot from this trip. Talking about Oakland validates that I love it there, and I learned so much from Victoria, and Andy. I have an epiphany every day and I think you understand that. Driving to LA (in terrible traffic) I realized that if I feel weird about something I have the power to fix it, I can even do it with one text. I've been learning and practicing regarding my will, my restraint, and trusting myself to say what I want to, or feel I need to. You get the brunt of nearly each and every experiment and for that I am sorry. I made my amends (on multiple accounts) on my drive here, in hopes of starting 2015 with (Jillian and) a clean slate. I was listening to christian talk radio earlier today and the sermon's topic was purpose, he said children are almost always raised these days with the knowledge that life itself is meaningless. He explained that without God's grace everything is for nothing, there could not be a reason for fairness, or anything good. I want to tell you everything that I think and feel and I won't feel overbearing and you won't think that I'm sad or manic or overcompensating, you will just know it was you I wanted to tell.