The Way in Which Things Are Received

I speak, "things never get better", kidding but serious. She gasps, a sort of deeply offended scoff.  I turn on my heel, "being left-handed, about being left-handed", I maneuver, "you wouldn't understand". I can't tell when she can tell I am only trying to save face, remain in her good graces. She gives me a disappointed look without looking at me, where she used to laugh. She does not laugh now because I am depressed and she doesn't want me talking about it like that, doesn't want to hear about it like that. It makes me wonder in that moment if she is susceptible to it, like she thinks my melancholy will seep into her head until she's as fucked as I am, until she is in a place she used to be. I honestly do not mind no one else being in this place, I do not mind being alone (I knew that I couldn't have that power over someone). She believes that I mind being alone, and I base a significant amount of decisions regarding her on my embarrassment towards her feeling that way. She isn't alone much, and some days I am frightened by our differences. Lucky for me today was not one of those days. She tells me in my car on mlk that she got emotional earlier that day, and I felt like trash for not noticing. When I ask her what prompted her getting emotional she explains that she was just thinking about all these people sharing their art and how it must be so personal, and so scary and all those emotions, and she was feeling them. She has such tremendous empathy, in such a selfless way, because she is selfless in so many ways. I am not in that many ways, and lately she thinks I am in even less ways. I say things like sorry she is not feeling well, and she responds by saying things like it isn't your fault, when I say I wish that I could help she tells me that I do not have to. Time apart is not good for us, she told me that. It is true, and I would go as far as to say that time apart is not good for people like us. When we infrequently talk to and see each other we seem to create this idea in our heads about the other, and not just what they are thinking, but what they should do. COMMUNICATE. She tells me this loud and slowly, as if I do not hardly know the word or concept, which is true. I reply "I know" which probably makes her mad. She tells me that she does not want to fight about it "right now", which feels like sweeping feelings under the rug and probably makes me mad. I tell her that her no longer being happy to see me/seeming like she missed me hurts my feelings, in a less direct and helpful way. She gets frustrated that she hasn't been to my apartment yet and I wonder why she believes that that is, or if she's thought about it that much. I base our relationship decisions entirely off of humiliation now, when I used to base them all off of her, this seemed to be something I thought I could get away with altering unnoticed. She talks about moving and school in front of me but not to me and it makes me very anxious and fearful and irrelevant. I treat her like crap and not at all how she wants or needs then tell her that I dreamt about her three nights in a row, and maybe four but I can't remember, and she says probably four and I agree. I cannot seem to say anything clearly or outright and for some reason she does not appreciate my cryptic emotional nonsense. I wonder if she misses the happiness and ease of the way in which everything used to be, her coming over, us talking on the phone, I wonder if we both wholly blame myself. I allude to her that I won't really be in the picture for a while, then tell her that I will come back to her when I can. When she agrees to this I explain to her that I didn't really mean it, and persist in sending her confusing messages. Last night at 2am she texts me and asks if I want to do brunch, and even though it is late, and even though she is probably drunk, and even though holly most likely suggested it, she thought of me, and that is enough. In the morning I refrain from asking if she meant it cause she hates when I pull that shit, I try to be the least irritating version of myself, and fail, and remind myself a thousand times this is why I am alone and this is why she has grown to love me less. She thinks that I do not care about her when I do not care about anything aside from my low self esteem. I've learned that it does not help to tell someone that it is not about them. She points out a chair in the street to me that says leo, she rests her head on my shoulder in the car.