If One More Person Tells Me To Just Be Happy

I made hot chocolate, but decided to cry instead

you send me a text that reads "you wanted me to call to tell me not to worry?" 
I respond "yes"

you call me at 6:18
too anxious for small talk we get immediately to the point
you ask why you were supposed to call and I say I didn't think I'd get to talk to you and I wanted to
you say okay
I say everyone is talking to one another about how depressed I am and it's embarrassing 

you ask me what I think I am

I pause to figure that out
it felt like thirty minutes, but could have been one second
I am hopeful that it was somewhere in between

I predictably whimper about not going to college, and missing all of my friends
you said you think very often about when I told you 
that I wanted to be miserable more than I wanted to be happy
I asked if that was because you thought it wasn't true
like you told me
and how you had to find out that it was true
you said no
you thought that it wasn't true and it wasn't
and then I made it become true

I said that I hate the thought of you having to wait this period out
this period, right now
you said that's how it goes

I said I hate having these conversations because they remind me that you think that you are good and that I am bad
you said you don't see things like that or think about us or that at all

you said you don't like having serious conversations with me because you are just talking
but that I am going to remember and hold onto everything you say
whether or not you really meant it

you told me that these conversations are good for both of us and that you like to have them
I asked if you were certain about that

you said Austin takes a lot of the credit for how very bad I am doing and that it wasn't his fault or maybe it was 

you said I seemed better but was not sure if that was true
you told me that it is good I am working on things
I told you that you are putting a positive spin on this
you said "why not"
it felt like you meant it

I let you go, look at my phone that reads 7:20
and let come back all of the things that I needed to tell you


finally, I looked up, from that dark hole, the one I dug myself 
I watch the incense smoke rise then disappear into the air
I see only that one terribly truth, that I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be with Austin