I have taken 28 Ibuprofen since Feburary 5th, as of 2:50pm February 27th.
I have taken cough syrup twice, while sick, and zero Tylenol PMs.

Vague Memory of Thousands of Moments I've Felt Better

"'5-email email' = email one has emailed oneself
what seems like at least ~5x
reminding/pressuring oneself to respond
Asceticism
Too embarrassed to be alive
& to be doing anything to be in a relationship
Thinking transcendentally, working imminently"

Secret Beacon of Truth

Aquarius – Hanged Man (8 of Wands)
A fresh perspective in a certain area of your life is emerging after an extended struggle or delay. Through this trial of inactivity, you may have realized that sometimes what you expect doesn’t come true, and other times, you simply need to step back enough to see the bigger picture. If you can apply this concept to all areas of your life, you’ll see that anything is possible. If you’re in need of a special dose of inspiration, you may want to go on a vacation; a change of scenery can open your eyes to the brilliance in your life and in yourself.

Hanged Man

• Letting go of mental control and seeing the situation differently.
• Sacrifice leads to success.
• Release the need to know.
• Do the opposite of what is expected.

8 of Wands

• Decisive Action -Travel card.
• Inundated with spontaneous ideas that may soon become reality.
• High-energy period for initiating changes, especially from dead- lock situations.
• Fast movement and rapid growth. The climax after  a period of delay or stagnation.  Confidence and renewed energy has been developed by surmounting past obstacles. Phases quickly coming to a finish; tie up loose ends.
• Mental activity or thirst for knowledge.

The Hanged Man Tarot Card

Is he in danger? Did he put himself there? How did The Hanged Man get so tangled up? If you are receiving a Tarot reading, The Hanged Man card is a strong message from the universe that the option of surrendering is always open to you. It might, in fact, be the quickest way to a complete and total victory.

The Hanged Man has put himself in this position and there is no way he can win. And yet, that halo lets us know that he may be about to claim a sizable victory. He was not attacked, nor forced to be where he is, nothing is disheveled besides his hair hanging down due to simple gravity. With his hidden hands, he is not letting us see his manipulation of the situation. His bent leg indicates that he is getting quite comfortable being helpless.

A Tarot reading places cards into positions of the past, the present and the future. The Hanged Man in the past position underscores that your current situation began with a letting go, a retreat, a foregoing of pleasure or reward in order to not be controlled by simple temptations. You are where you are now because of a decision to leave things behind or let them all settle themselves.

Although the Tarot deck is hundreds, if not thousands of years old, The Hanged Man card is often drawn when condo association meetings are getting chaotic and disagreeable or when a cranky neighbor is threatening the peace and stability of those around them. The Hanged Man reminds us that the best victories are often battles avoided while an enemy destroys himself.

The Eight of Wands Tarot Card

Do things seem to be speeding up in your life? Is there a sense of urgency to the daily proceedings? Are you headed toward a long-sought conclusion? Is a settlement about to appear in a long-running dispute? Have you gotten closer to your goal in the past week than in the past year?

While some versions of this card may have a miniscule landscape across the bottom, the majority of them simply have an unimpeded sky blue background with eight wooden walking sticks, or wands, splayed about the card. This is the rare Tarot card with no people in it. There is no hint at anyone being there.

Were the wands tossed? Are they being dropped? Or are they flying on a breeze? The lack of a person in a card is rare, but the lack of even the presence of someone is an even more rare Tarot illustration. The only person associated with these wands is, in fact, you, the viewer of the card. Wands are the Tarot deck's symbol of creativity and you are looking at many creative possibilities all falling into place, just as you would like. This is a powerful omen; use it to advance your standing in the world.

The Eight of Wands in the present position is an exciting place. Look around – this is a golden opportunity of a time for you. Things are going your way. Sometimes we are so used to plodding through oppositions and setbacks that making strides and fulfilling goals creates an anxiety because the familiarity of failure is replaced by a strange success.

I Haven't Been Gone Very Long But It Feels Like A Lifetime

"If you hate the taste of wine
why do you drink it 'til you're blind?
and if you swear that there's no truth and who cares
how come you say it like you're right?
why are you scared to dream of god
when it's salvation that you want?
you see stars that clear have been dead for years
but the idea just lives on

I've been sleeping so strange at night 

side effects they don't advertise

I've been sleeping so strange

with a head full of pesticide"

things i felt or feel i should have told lizz

when i thought about it extensively, it's not that i am apologizing to you when we get off the phone, i know you don't mind when i talk more than you do, i think that i was apologizing to myself because i felt sorry i couldn't get you to talk more about the things that i wanted to hear about. i felt jealous when you told aly how you felt about school and how it was really going for you, and you told me that it was just okay.

i didn't stop taking sleeping aid to torture myself, it was actually really messing with my head, and i did a lot of research to figure out why that was. i also talked about this concern in therapy, which she deduced was due to a lack of sleep, but i know that it isn't that at all. i can't concentrate, and can't find the words i am looking for (worse than usual), and i can't remember how to spell things, or little things for work. i was taking tylenol pm and cough syrup fairly heavily and together each night just to fall asleep, but on the 5th i swore to myself i would try to make that my last time, because i felt like fucking stupid, and already have a hard enough time articulating myself. when you made that small comment about typos in texts it was super real, and has been happening a lot, and it wasn't just at night when i was drowsy or whatever. since the night of the 5th i have taken cough syrup (small amounts) two nights, while sick, and i have taken twelve ibuprofen (six, two separate occasions). no tylenol pm. i can't really tell if my short term memory is better, but i guess it's supposed to get better, and this wasn't to say i was addicted in any way, because i wasn't, but i was not careful/aware of the consequences or side-effects. ☑

i haven't felt like a friend worth having since austin left. i'm aware this is ridiculous, because i do have good days and am still myself, and moreover, because we were real friends long before we were friends with austin. it's just one of those thoughts i can't shake, and i know i've been having a lot of those, but i base my actions on being someone not worth talking to. yes, i am working on that.

we said forever, and i feel that and meant that, whole-heartedly. it's just i've never loved someone this much without losing them, and there is a part of me somewhere that is really fearful of how it thinks this is going to end.

i've been talking a lot about people talking about me moving home not because i want to (i don't), but because i am not happy here any more. i said i am going to be going home a lot more, and i hope to go every weekend (to get me through this time). ☑

not sure why i've wanted to tell you about this, that night that jillian was here right before new years, the night i did acupuncture. her and i drank a few mimosas, then i drank most of a large bottle of sake. during acupuncture i was really stressed out, and nervous (not about acupuncture), and i couldn't sit still, and being there feel claustrophobic and i felt trapped and awful. this was nothing like my first experience which was so calmly that i nearly fell asleep. bethany had been texting me that day/night, sort of on and off since christmas day (when i talked to you on the phone driving to la then texted you about amends or friendships or something, i had talked with austin and made things better, and replied to something bethany had sent me, which i thought was me ending that). anyway so that lasted like almost a week until we started talking christmas, then after acupuncture and sake, she sends me a song and i like kinda lost it (emotionally?), but jillian was there, and she knows the whole situation, so i made her listen to it on repeat for hours, until i fell asleep, then woke up and texted back, then woke up and barfed. we thought i might have poisoned myself, but whatever happened, i wanted to be honest with you that i was struggling (with demons or whatever), then got legitimately sick for the next four days. i figured i was puking emotions cause i was really sad.

i stopped sending you my writing because you don't like it or don't want to read it. i feel generally alright about that, but often want to ask you why that is (without you having to say it isn't true). ☑

the last day that you and i hung out i had plans with and was supposed to be hanging out with daddy phresh. also we are still talking, and have hung out twice. obviously don't use okc anymore, but a while ago hung out with duylam in oakland (he took bart), i drove him home (nothing happened, just hung out there), then he came to oakland again, so i was going to go to the city cause i had been blowing him off. i didn't tell you that day because i didn't want you to think of me as keeping secrets again, and because i hate when people say things like "i'd rather be hanging out with you".

i wrote a poem about how i hadn't been happy in 58 days, and i believed that, and was counting from the day that you picked me up and we went to target and american apparel. my time with you is so special and important to me and i haven't found a way to relay that like i would want to. ☑

my car got broken into almost two weeks ago. it was on my street and i either forgot to lock it, or my lock remote hasn't been working great. it wasn't a big deal so i didn't tell anyone.

the night my place was way too fucking hot to stay in, and i was texting you and half-passing out, and sitting on the roof to cool off, i wanted to stay at your house but was in such a bad place i couldn't tell you. i don't hate sleeping over at people's place as much as you always say you think that i do, and i sometimes really need/want to stay in your bed but am too embarrassed to tell you. and haven't told you this because you don't think i should be embarrassed about this kind of things anymore. and i am embarrassed that i am.

when you don't respond i try to get better at being okay with it, and sometimes you just forget, but truthfully it will always be soul-crushing because i will fill the silence with the very worst no matter what.

having that random connection with chaise brought up a lot of chris shit for me, because he was an aries, and basically chris. i haven't talked to about what that feel like for me/the significance of it, but have tried to. i just have messed up relationships with guys because of my head/memories. my therapist touched on that in therapy and i told her that i think it's depression. also she agreed with me which was strange.

i feel lost and obsolete without a wingman, i know this should be like the ultimate lesson in independence not having a "person", but i fucking like having a person and want to be one. i don't like being alone like this, i do, but not like this.

i am trying to be a better person to you, and for you, and i strive for happiness largely because i want to be the kind of person i know you deserve. even if i cannot love myself, i want to be there for you consistently, and in a healthy, loving way. because i love you like i love nobody else, and it's been that way for a long time, and will remain that way for a lot longer.


edit 3/10:

the dark epiphany that i had was after i realized that i felt we were like a married couple and everyone else around us was irrelevant to me, but it was easier. i'd never really felt the draw or temptation of shallow, fun interactions before, but this felt simple, it didn't hurt. the epiphany was to disregard all of the people i truly cared about and meant so much to me, to keep them at a distance, while i spent time with random people i feel nothing for. if i talk to a person i am not emotionally invested in, i will not react emotionally. this seemed brilliant, and i did not believe i deserved the good people anyway, which resulted in conversations with stupid people, hanging out with dalton and jeff in the city, and viewing my healthy/strong/real relationships as burdensome and even scary. i knew that i was unable to be destroyed if the person i was sharing with was incapable of destroying me. i did not tell you any of this, even while wanting to, because i thought you would see how hard this is on me, and come to understand as i do that other people are easier.

4 of 15

 things i would spend money on if i had it:

 hypnosis

 my car

Coffee Pot

I'm quietly living for the day that I will make a pot of coffee each morning
and sleep a whole night through at night

I can fucking do this.... but living has proven to be the hardest struggle I've had to endure

Cell Phone

I send a text message, when asked how I am doing

"somewhere between bed bugs and depression" 
I send another before waiting for a response 
"what's eating mollie underwood"

I send her a message sometime during the middle of the night

that I am thinking about sandwiches, then that I am thinking about jessica chastain 

then send another long text in the morning that I'm "thinking about hexes and crying into my eggs"

I don't expect a response and somehow it works

I'm trying to sleep

tossing and turning, throwing around pillows and pills

I turn on that song

it plays loud on my phone

I scroll through pictures of you

in the street, in that outfit 

smiling, smirking, glaring

it's like pornography 

how sad can I make myself

can I break my own heart

I tried

I didn't

I learned in psychology when I was eighteen, 
or nineteen that people who suffer from depression don't normally kill themselves at their worst

but always as they start to feel better

their head is finally above water

and they can see things clearly

that thought hasn't left my mind since

I believed I would want to suffer for your happiness

watching it would be enough for me

but not like this 

Memories Will Flow Like Water

  "my absence will remind you
  of how hard it is to be in love

  and memories will flow like water
  out of me"

Baggage