things i felt or feel i should have told lizz

when i thought about it extensively, it's not that i am apologizing to you when we get off the phone, i know you don't mind when i talk more than you do, i think that i was apologizing to myself because i felt sorry i couldn't get you to talk more about the things that i wanted to hear about. i felt jealous when you told aly how you felt about school and how it was really going for you, and you told me that it was just okay.

i didn't stop taking sleeping aid to torture myself, it was actually really messing with my head, and i did a lot of research to figure out why that was. i also talked about this concern in therapy, which she deduced was due to a lack of sleep, but i know that it isn't that at all. i can't concentrate, and can't find the words i am looking for (worse than usual), and i can't remember how to spell things, or little things for work. i was taking tylenol pm and cough syrup fairly heavily and together each night just to fall asleep, but on the 5th i swore to myself i would try to make that my last time, because i felt like fucking stupid, and already have a hard enough time articulating myself. when you made that small comment about typos in texts it was super real, and has been happening a lot, and it wasn't just at night when i was drowsy or whatever. since the night of the 5th i have taken cough syrup (small amounts) two nights, while sick, and i have taken twelve ibuprofen (six, two separate occasions). no tylenol pm. i can't really tell if my short term memory is better, but i guess it's supposed to get better, and this wasn't to say i was addicted in any way, because i wasn't, but i was not careful/aware of the consequences or side-effects. ☑

i haven't felt like a friend worth having since austin left. i'm aware this is ridiculous, because i do have good days and am still myself, and moreover, because we were real friends long before we were friends with austin. it's just one of those thoughts i can't shake, and i know i've been having a lot of those, but i base my actions on being someone not worth talking to. yes, i am working on that.

we said forever, and i feel that and meant that, whole-heartedly. it's just i've never loved someone this much without losing them, and there is a part of me somewhere that is really fearful of how it thinks this is going to end.

i've been talking a lot about people talking about me moving home not because i want to (i don't), but because i am not happy here any more. i said i am going to be going home a lot more, and i hope to go every weekend (to get me through this time). ☑

not sure why i've wanted to tell you about this, that night that jillian was here right before new years, the night i did acupuncture. her and i drank a few mimosas, then i drank most of a large bottle of sake. during acupuncture i was really stressed out, and nervous (not about acupuncture), and i couldn't sit still, and being there feel claustrophobic and i felt trapped and awful. this was nothing like my first experience which was so calmly that i nearly fell asleep. bethany had been texting me that day/night, sort of on and off since christmas day (when i talked to you on the phone driving to la then texted you about amends or friendships or something, i had talked with austin and made things better, and replied to something bethany had sent me, which i thought was me ending that). anyway so that lasted like almost a week until we started talking christmas, then after acupuncture and sake, she sends me a song and i like kinda lost it (emotionally?), but jillian was there, and she knows the whole situation, so i made her listen to it on repeat for hours, until i fell asleep, then woke up and texted back, then woke up and barfed. we thought i might have poisoned myself, but whatever happened, i wanted to be honest with you that i was struggling (with demons or whatever), then got legitimately sick for the next four days. i figured i was puking emotions cause i was really sad.

i stopped sending you my writing because you don't like it or don't want to read it. i feel generally alright about that, but often want to ask you why that is (without you having to say it isn't true). ☑

the last day that you and i hung out i had plans with and was supposed to be hanging out with daddy phresh. also we are still talking, and have hung out twice. obviously don't use okc anymore, but a while ago hung out with duylam in oakland (he took bart), i drove him home (nothing happened, just hung out there), then he came to oakland again, so i was going to go to the city cause i had been blowing him off. i didn't tell you that day because i didn't want you to think of me as keeping secrets again, and because i hate when people say things like "i'd rather be hanging out with you".

i wrote a poem about how i hadn't been happy in 58 days, and i believed that, and was counting from the day that you picked me up and we went to target and american apparel. my time with you is so special and important to me and i haven't found a way to relay that like i would want to. ☑

my car got broken into almost two weeks ago. it was on my street and i either forgot to lock it, or my lock remote hasn't been working great. it wasn't a big deal so i didn't tell anyone.

the night my place was way too fucking hot to stay in, and i was texting you and half-passing out, and sitting on the roof to cool off, i wanted to stay at your house but was in such a bad place i couldn't tell you. i don't hate sleeping over at people's place as much as you always say you think that i do, and i sometimes really need/want to stay in your bed but am too embarrassed to tell you. and haven't told you this because you don't think i should be embarrassed about this kind of things anymore. and i am embarrassed that i am.

when you don't respond i try to get better at being okay with it, and sometimes you just forget, but truthfully it will always be soul-crushing because i will fill the silence with the very worst no matter what.

having that random connection with chaise brought up a lot of chris shit for me, because he was an aries, and basically chris. i haven't talked to about what that feel like for me/the significance of it, but have tried to. i just have messed up relationships with guys because of my head/memories. my therapist touched on that in therapy and i told her that i think it's depression. also she agreed with me which was strange.

i feel lost and obsolete without a wingman, i know this should be like the ultimate lesson in independence not having a "person", but i fucking like having a person and want to be one. i don't like being alone like this, i do, but not like this.

i am trying to be a better person to you, and for you, and i strive for happiness largely because i want to be the kind of person i know you deserve. even if i cannot love myself, i want to be there for you consistently, and in a healthy, loving way. because i love you like i love nobody else, and it's been that way for a long time, and will remain that way for a lot longer.


edit 3/10:

the dark epiphany that i had was after i realized that i felt we were like a married couple and everyone else around us was irrelevant to me, but it was easier. i'd never really felt the draw or temptation of shallow, fun interactions before, but this felt simple, it didn't hurt. the epiphany was to disregard all of the people i truly cared about and meant so much to me, to keep them at a distance, while i spent time with random people i feel nothing for. if i talk to a person i am not emotionally invested in, i will not react emotionally. this seemed brilliant, and i did not believe i deserved the good people anyway, which resulted in conversations with stupid people, hanging out with dalton and jeff in the city, and viewing my healthy/strong/real relationships as burdensome and even scary. i knew that i was unable to be destroyed if the person i was sharing with was incapable of destroying me. i did not tell you any of this, even while wanting to, because i thought you would see how hard this is on me, and come to understand as i do that other people are easier.

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