I Am Alone and Dying

I'm writing to lizz to feel better. I feel shitty. I am lying in bed, sick, and thinking about every grammatical mistake I've made in the last several months. I feel weak, but not as tired as normal. I slept better last night than I can remember, it was more defeat than falling asleep, that could be why. I slept fairly well in jillian's bed, and woke up feeling less bad and pretty happy. I'm not doing well unless I wake up to someone there. I don't mind being alone all day, really, but there are necessary specificities, I believe this is true for everyone. Using sleeping pills and cough syrup heavily, consistently, and together fucked my head, and whether the amount that I deduced that it did is true or not, I find such solace in having something to relieve some of the blame. I am uncertain whether it was one of the supplements, or if it was my thoughts/energy, but I've been consumed by this very unfamiliar restlessness, can't even sit still. The worse of a place I am in mentally, the more that I check my phone. I was writing this to lizz to say that I wanted to spend time with her today, but she didn't want to hang out with me, and then she snapped me saying "lol at mollie snapping everyone but me", and it made me feel bad but also mad, because I want things to be my way, and maybe she wants things to be her way. We love one another so much, but in so many fashions that each other cannot receive or perceive.

8:38pm: I am alone and dying and increasingly aware that there is nothing that I can say that could make both you, and myself happier. This goes for everyone. 

My breath is faint and I feel very claustrophobic in at least six different life arenas.  

9:44pm: 
dylan said he is watching four or fives seasons of shameless
jillian said she is on drugs
my mom said she was in the er
aly said she had a present for me that she left at lizz's
lizz said thanks for telling her what i thought but that she didn't understand at all