Nighttime

It's 10:06 and I text Jillian some ambiguous message about people and their places in other people's lives. She responds, here there never where. I could have been asleep by that time, but it's hard to say. Lizz texts me (after I text her) about radical honesty, or rather about her conversation with Holly about radical honesty. I tell her that I'm going to bed to end the conversation, feel like I want to keep talking, so text her again about the value of quitting while you're ahead. I told her also that I was drinking sake, which was a bit too radical, but it was a significant amount, and I'm trying to tell the truth. She possibly internalizes it in some way, but does not mention it. (Once our conversation is over, I start writing to Lizz. It says that I will  not give it to her, it's a list of secrets and compliments, but feel we've been dealing with enough of those.) I remember that I was feeling tired, and can't take melatonin until all the lights are out, so it's dark, and I take one. I send Lizz a yellow heart (meaning friendship), because god forbid I am not the last one to respond. I fall asleep. I wake up what seems to be naturally, indefinitely wide-awake, having no idea the time. I don't want to look at any screens, any light, not even the clock. I guess the time, deciding it felt like somewhere around 5am. I lay there trying not to panic, and trying to fall back asleep. Then, in the silent darkness I hear my phone vibrate against my laptop that it is sitting on. My first instinct was not to check it. I thought odd timing, not just because so early in the morning, but I had awoken moments ago. I chalk it up to coincidence, then out of curiousity, and defeat, I glance at my phone screen. It's 1:20am and I have a picture message, with no text. Every moment I stared at it fucked me over, but I couldn't stop, couldn't put it down. I wonder if I should respond. I always get hit when I'm low, I am always low. I stare at the picture above it, the one that had been sent to me before, no messages in between. Before allowing myself enough time to change my mind I send a heart, a purple one (meaning I love you but you're sad). I take another melatonin, trying not to think about how difficult it has become to get through a night.