Fool Me

I feel possessed to write you, I swore to myself that the best thing to do would be to wait this out, but my love feels too passionate to be stifled, not when I am trying to be better. I always thought that I was so privy to the feelings of other's, not simply empathetic, but sensitive, from naturally putting myself 'in the other person's shoes'. I see now that learning someone's feelings, in a situation regarding myself, is much more shocking to me than to anyone else in the world. This is not only because I did not know, but even worse, because part of me truly conceived that I did. I decided that you could love me for who I had become, in such variant ways you and I had been through vastly transformative times, and changed and grew, and thought about everything, every little thing. I had learn how to be, what to do and not do, what not to say. I would not make a production, I wouldn't let them get messy, I had made that mistake before. Being with you made me happy. Truth be told I am not happy with many people. I could talk for hours about how you and I want the same things, think and feel so much alike, yet have so much to teach each other, and work on, and help each other with. There are not words for our connection, but when the timing is right with someone, everything feels amazing, and they do everything correctly, and you really begin to wonder how anything could ever go wrong. I realized tonight that you are not perfect. You know what I mean by that, perfect in the sense of perfect for how I like you to be. I know it is selfish, but I think everyone sort of has this idea in their head of the best version of another person, and themselves. A real companionship strives to make both people their best versions, where love finally makes you see your potential. I digress. I am sorry for thinking of you differently once you made a choice to not feel so lonely, I very much realize this has nothing to do with me, but also I am human so I will whole-heartedly take the blame for making my loved ones feel isolated, and alone. I would never wish to punish you. I am sorry you are going to China, I am sorry there will not be words for how much I will miss you, no matter how long that you are gone, because I already do. I want you to know that I feel as though I am in love with you, and you know what I mean. I need you, and I love seeing you. And I am not jealous of your girlfriend, even though I envy all that you do together, and I wish it were me, and that she was gone forever. It just makes me feel like you are a car in the lane beside me, no one will let you change lanes like you hope to, and I drastically slow down, I make room for you, and you are busy, you are too preoccupied or distracted to take the assistance you were wanting. It feels like you don't need me. It feels like you are going back and forth between two people who you have made believe that they are all that you want. I am not possessive, I am not jealous, I just want to be the one.