today I felt like writing an alt lit poem
I figured this was a fitting way to start an alt lit poem
I read a tweet about going to see Birdman the movie alone
the following day I went to see the movie Birdman alone
I got to Berkeley early and felt (inaccurately) malnourished, so I laid on the grass of the UC
I wondered if I could pass for going there
a lady told her dog not to bother me because that woman is sleeping
I thought to tell Lizz, out of context, that I was laying by myself on the grass of the UC
to my surprise, I found myself sick of weirding her out
so decided against it
I think the movie resonated with me
if only for two reasons:
he wanted to be relevant, and
he felt like his studio was a "shithole"
I told myself the other day that if I got to choose any name at all for the wifi for my new place I would call it the shithole
my brother told me to deal with my shit
I got off the phone with him and called PG&E
when I called Comcast they switched over my internet very quickly
at Shithole, my wifi name was still Paper Street Soap Co, which reminded me of Austin and made me sad
like everything else
both in reminding me of Austin, and making me really sad
I'm not sure how to change it, or what to change it to
I have so much to worry about,
I find new ways to fall asleep each night
I wake up and Jillian texts me
the message says that she dragged me down deep with her last night and thanked me for allowing her to do so
I realized I had no knowledge of this
it made me miss going so down deep, spiraling with another
back in the day, and I guess spacial distance does matter, sometimes
I finally open the snapchat from daddy phresh from okcupid after I get home from the movie
the message says he is walking to bart
(as shocking to me as to you)
the nervousness was dissimilar in a way that I enjoyed
how weird
It motivated me to move all of my belongings to the trunk
I picked him up at West Oakland bart
I was not sure if he expected me on foot
it wasn't awkward and we drove around
I got the sense he was romantic, which part of me appreciated
so we lived out his fantasy of looking through records
we also lived out my 'fantasy' of sushi
he only called me passive aggressive once
not that he should have more than that but he could have
it's so much better than neurotic
which I refrained from calling myself
we walked around Piedmont and I enjoyed our conversation
we split the bill at dinner, and he told me he was born four days after I was born
I realized that he was another aquarius I had to drive around, and pretend that going dutch at dinner made sense to me
we knew the words and sung along to many songs which was very weird to me because we had never met
outside his apartment in the city he asked if I wanted to come up
I not only was surprised, but felt like I was in a mumble-core movie
up until maybe this point everyone thought I was Greta Gerwig, when in actuality I am Ben Stiller
but he didn't know this yet
I watched him clean his room, and read one of his many semi-private notebooks
his bedroom was overly feminine, which I liked and hated
I asked him what the wood was for
he said he was about to build a table
and I breathed a sigh of relief
I found this attractive, though it made me want to be with Chris
not in a sexual way, but still maybe in a bed way
Daddy Phresh played me breakup songs on his laptop while I read a list of his fears
my favorite fear was that he felt like he was too spectacular
my second favorite fear was that he felt unsocialable
I noticed his hood was up, and I appreciated that
I thought that if he tried to have sex with me I probably would have
if anyone asks enough times to do something I eventually agree because it means they wanted to badly enough
for that same reason he was on my tumblr
he showed me a bag of mushrooms that belonged to his roommates and he nearly ate some right there on the spot
I politely declined when he offered me some, "you should try everything once"
he did not try to have sex to me to my knowledge
but he did not want me to leave despite my motioning to countless times
and his comment about how he noticed I could not manage to choose a radio station in the car
(comments made after the fact hurt the worst)
I asked if he would come find my car with me and he did
I think he was trying to kiss me but I ignored him until he wished me a nice night
I have to get used to a person's teeth
no matter if they are good or bad
it was like that with Nick too, he never had braces, and I liked his teeth
I drove home to my old house then corrected myself and took Adeline
I woke up before my alarm, and made eggs
today at work Kelly said to Seth that I am "too young to be tired"
I responded that she was "probably right"
and wanted to say that she definitely should be
she also told us in the office that "they are trying to kill her, but can't do it"
I didn't know whether she meant the doctors or the cancer, or both
I did not respond
Jeff asked how my weekend was, and I came up with the word "productive"
really my place isn't bad
it's charming in its own way
which I found out recently is not an alright thing to say about a person
but hopefully it is about a place
though, you still know I should not be left alone
I love you for a million billion reasons
that not being one of them
but I know a way that you can come here
without a copy of the key
this can only mean that there is hope for me
"I want you to be happy, but I want to be happy more"
"my happiness depends on your happiness"
No comments:
Post a Comment