sad is not the right word but I'll use it over and over anyway

sad is not the right word but I'll use it over and over anyway

today I felt like writing an alt lit poem

I figured this was a fitting way to start an alt lit poem

I read a tweet about going to see Birdman the movie alone

the following day I went to see the movie Birdman alone

I got to Berkeley early and felt (inaccurately) malnourished, so I laid on the grass of the UC

I wondered if I could pass for going there

a lady told her dog not to bother me because that woman is sleeping

I thought to tell Lizz, out of context, that I was laying by myself on the grass of the UC

to my surprise, I found myself sick of weirding her out

so decided against it

I think the movie resonated with me

if only for two reasons:

he wanted to be relevant, and

he felt like his studio was a "shithole"

I told myself the other day that if I got to choose any name at all for the wifi for my new place I would call it the shithole

my brother told me to deal with my shit

I got off the phone with him and called PG&E

when I called Comcast they switched over my internet very quickly

at Shithole, my wifi name was still Paper Street Soap Co, which reminded me of Austin and made me sad

like everything else

both in reminding me of Austin, and making me really sad

I'm not sure how to change it, or what to change it to

I have so much to worry about,

I find new ways to fall asleep each night

I wake up and Jillian texts me 

the message says that she dragged me down deep with her last night and thanked me for allowing her to do so

I realized I had no knowledge of this

it made me miss going so down deep, spiraling with another

back in the day, and I guess spacial distance does matter, sometimes

I finally open the snapchat from daddy phresh from okcupid after I get home from the movie

the message says he is walking to bart

(as shocking to me as to you)

the nervousness was dissimilar in a way that I enjoyed

how weird

It motivated me to move all of my belongings to the trunk

I picked him up at West Oakland bart

I was not sure if he expected me on foot

it wasn't awkward and we drove around

I got the sense he was romantic, which part of me appreciated

so we lived out his fantasy of looking through records

we also lived out my 'fantasy' of sushi

he only called me passive aggressive once

not that he should have more than that but he could have

it's so much better than neurotic 

which I refrained from calling myself

we walked around Piedmont and I enjoyed our conversation

we split the bill at dinner, and he told me he was born four days after I was born

I realized that he was another aquarius I had to drive around, and pretend that going dutch at dinner made sense to me

we knew the words and sung along to many songs which was very weird to me because we had never met

outside his apartment in the city he asked if I wanted to come up

I not only was surprised, but felt like I was in a mumble-core movie

up until maybe this point everyone thought I was Greta Gerwig, when in actuality I am Ben Stiller

but he didn't know this yet

I watched him clean his room, and read one of his many semi-private notebooks

his bedroom was overly feminine, which I liked and hated

I asked him what the wood was for

he said he was about to build a table

and I breathed a sigh of relief

I found this attractive, though it made me want to be with Chris

not in a sexual way, but still maybe in a bed way

Daddy Phresh played me breakup songs on his laptop while I read a list of his fears

my favorite fear was that he felt like he was too spectacular

my second favorite fear was that he felt unsocialable

I noticed his hood was up, and I appreciated that

I thought that if he tried to have sex with me I probably would have

if anyone asks enough times to do something I eventually agree because it means they wanted to badly enough 

for that same reason he was on my tumblr

he showed me a bag of mushrooms that belonged to his roommates and he nearly ate some right there on the spot

I politely declined when he offered me some, "you should try everything once"

he did not try to have sex to me to my knowledge 

but he did not want me to leave despite  my motioning to countless times

and his comment about how he noticed I could not manage to choose a radio station in the car

(comments made after the fact hurt the worst)

I asked if he would come find my car with me and he did

I think he was trying to kiss me but I ignored him until he wished me a nice night

I have to get used to a person's teeth

no matter if they are good or bad

it was like that with Nick too, he never had braces, and I liked his teeth

I drove home to my old house then corrected myself and took Adeline

I woke up before my alarm, and made eggs

today at work Kelly said to Seth that I am "too young to be tired"

I responded that she was "probably right"

and wanted to say that she definitely should be

she also told us in the office that "they are trying to kill her, but can't do it"

I didn't know whether she meant the doctors or the cancer, or both

I did not respond 

Jeff asked how my weekend was, and I came up with the word "productive"

really my place isn't bad

it's charming in its own way

which I found out recently is not an alright thing to say about a person

but hopefully it is about a place

though, you still know I should not be left alone 

I love you for a million billion reasons

that not being one of them

but I know a way that you can come here

without a copy of the key

this can only mean that there is hope for me

"I want you to be happy, but I want to be happy more"

"my happiness depends on your happiness"