the lighting is weird and it makes me weird

today is wednesday
work was hectic enough
that i did not have to re-park my car when i got home 
i want to ride my bike
i wait to be well enough
today i was up for texting you, apparently
i did, and it sort of made you mad
you told me to just be your friend
as if it were that easy
as if it is easier than being nothing
i resented the presumption

when did this all just become one trying to keep another alive
i wonder as i sit in bed
listening to bart go back and forth
back and forth
there are a couple things i do not like about my apartment
they are as follows
the birds
the lighting
the elevator
and the hallway
the last two were very much predicted
i got a bloody nose at work today
second one this week
i read about anxiety bloody noses until it stopped
breathing cures everything
and the sun
and water
i decided today
the rays hit my face in my car
and i felt alive momentarily
which we have learned
is nearly long enough
you told me today that worrying about what you think about us
is the same as worrying about us
i said it is very different
you said okay
and these are the things we argue about now
ever since i made it hard