I Hope You Got Ok

we sat together on a black fabric couch in a fake bedroom 

and he asked if i would like the table that he is building

he asked if i remembered

wasn't sure if i remembered he was building a table

i drive fast

i want to get to bart before him, and i do

he's wearing a white hat that was cute

nikes with a white trim (and swoosh)

i start driving 

forgetting to ask how the bart ride was

i ask 

dinner or ikea first?

we are sitting at dinner and he explains time to me

time is a straight line

but if you are outside of time

(what i was referring to as "real" time, which there is no such thing)

then you can end up going through anywhere on the line that is 'real' time

we both get soup and like each other's better

and share

i look at the cat curled up on the bench

peaceful and smokey grey

nestled up against a woman

i think about how jillian and i decided there are two types of people

as he goes and pets the cat

just for a second

just to accidentally indicate which type of person he is

i was happy

he complimented my parking more than once
(he said that it is relevant to our relationship that his investor would call in the midst of us being rapt, in conversation and that he would have to abruptly end it, and leave for work purposes
i smiled because it felt so cynical and traditional, and i liked that)
i tell him that i heard on talk radio that the fifth dimension could be small enough to fit on our brain
neither of us comprehended the thought
he said he read that all five (plus) dimensions could be fractal
he said do you know what fractal means
i said like a kaleidoscope
he said not really

when i went to the bathroom in ikea i told him he could play on the computer

i laughed really hard as he pretended to type on the tiny keyboard

and was suddenly acutely aware at how infrequently my laughter has been sincere

i'd been laughing (sincerely) a lot tonight

i thought

as i peed

and watched all of my snaps

i walked out to him playing with the pay phone

on the escalator he clarified in depth what he meant

when he told me earlier that he thought of me as a "post-human"

towards the end he was kidding

but we both knew on some level 

he was serious

i could tell because he said i did not seem like a club person

or a camping person

or a beach person

although he did invite me to friendsgiving

and every plan he had in the near future

which i liked very much, and politely declined

we laid in ikea beds until ikea was closed

every time that i felt like my stream of words had been too long

in response to a question

he would pose a follow-up question

and it made me feel not so terrible

we could not figure out who is tom and who is summer

he has not cried in two years

and he never told me what happened two years ago

so i did not ask

i could tell he liked me less 

when i revealed my list of musical artist i do not like but feel i should (by society)

the beatles, michael jackson, lady gaga

after ikea was closed we went through the fake wooden bowls

we looked at every one

we found the perfect bowls

he liked the idea of us having one each

ones that compliment each other with their differences

and similarities

we found them

he changed his mind

we went back, and both found better ones

i got a toolbox and he said "as a mechanical engineer" he believed i had made a good choice

i was happy
we attempted to determine the maximum capacity inside and could not

i told him i thought that ikea had been really positive and he said it was really positive

i said sorry about the swedish meatballs he did not get

and he cared to find me dessert

we yelped in the car, in the ikea lot

and he said we should take a picture of our bowls

i showed him, and he told me that they looked really good together

we will both eat our soup from our bowls tomorrow

we both said
i am pretending i am not, but i am writing this for holly

he wanted chocolate milk, so i made him get chocolate milk boba tea

he paid for both dinner and dessert

i got almond milk tea boba and pretended it was almond milk and not soy

she told me that it was soy

we both like each other's better

and shared

(we both got eighty percent sweetness, and both admitted we wished them to be sweeter)

jillian sent me a picture of the odd compulsion zine on her bed
(immediately i concluded i could never talk to anyone about jillian, lizz, victoria or my brother in a real way because i held them too closely)

i appreciated him never asking about all the things he saw on my phone

he said he'd like to see me in a club

it made me wonder what he saw/thought of me

it was thrilling speaking with someone who knew nothing of anything or anyone

my life was a white piece of paper

no names had any connotations

and all stories were malleable, and potentially interesting and/or telling

i spoke of austin

a lot

i haven't been able to lately i realized

in (profound) fear of what everyone thinks

duylam has no feelings about it and that feels great

i spoke of austin, a lot

he asked why we had one bed

i explained that we did not mind

i did not say that i can't sleep alone

or that when things got bad austin took to the couch

we get in the car and he says that i could drop him at bart but he wants me to drive him home

i say i never go back on my word

which is a lie

but also fine

because he told me that he lies to me a lot

i think neither of us mind

knowing there are worse things

i drive him home and we talk about music for a while

i played him a cover and could tell he actually enjoyed it

seconds away from his house he asks sheepishly if i'd like to hang out

i said i did but it was late so i was not going to

we both look at the car clock that claims 11pm 

and i suggest he should come over soon

he replies that he is leaving

it sounded half blurted out and half meticulously calculated

like a speech you wrote and memorized

unsure of when you would recite it

rushed, he explains a documentary called 716

that he is traveling for

(i wanted to ask if he meant to virginia, but didn't)

i wanted to ask if he or anyone he knew had a camera

but didn't

"are you mapping it out right now?"

"yeah"

my separation anxiety instantly and instinctually flared

i panicked, and also said goodbye

goodbye, mollie
he spoke through the car door

and was gone

as i drove away

i felt the tinge of guilt for not going up

and my commitment issues felt relieved that there was an end in sight

an opportunity to really enjoy myself

i thought about how nice it was that he said he would throw away the trash

i thought about how nice it is when your time is cherishable and cherished

almost to my elevator i get a text from him that reads

that he hopes that i got home okay

the word home had been forgotten