a bit scared, or nervous, i knock a few times on the window of the door. moments later a glimpse of a face i hardly recognize is peering, unfriendly, through the blinds. the doors opens, wordlessly, and i enter to a blackened bedroom, alex in bed with another mess of curly dark hair to her left, and the person who opened the door is beni. none of this is what i hoped to enter to (also did not want to wake anyone), but i try telling myself it could be worse. the three of them are asleep and mad, i sit in the chair in a bit of dread.
at breakfast i sit across from richard, next to alex, all three boys agree that they want to sit on one side, and take the booth. beni and i are smiling at each other, as i blow off all the pick-up lines and advances, jeff claims twice that he saw sparks, alex couldn't help but laugh and laugh. alex doles out bright colors pills to both jeff, and beni, the three of them wash them down excitedly. the boys suggest that i get a cranberry orange mimosa, and i do, afterwards i looked forward to grapefruit second, the one i had been wanting. at one point i look up from my lobster scramble to see beni, crying. alex calms him down, saying that we accept him, and want what's best, he takes a napkin and soaks up his wet face and tear-filled eyes. alex and i look at each other, both mouth words of adoration back and forth. beni continues countless advances, which i pick and a throw back, surprisingly. he doesn't let me pay for any part of breakfast.
from south pine we walk to the mineshaft, beni asks what i would like, he wants what i want, i say that i was thinking the same thing. he orders two tropicals, which i appreciated, again told me to put my wallet away, told me to get used to it. it's a sunny afternoon, and we are all out on the back patio with different drinks. some people had baileys, like hayley, who was there with joe. we talk to all of our friends, beni and i smiling over to each other all the while. he swaps our drinks several times, i do too. when i say that his straw was pink and mine was green, he responds that colors shouldn't be assigned to gender, purple is one of his favorite colors. alex tells me that lisa is getting off of work at three forks soon, and asks if i want to head over to meet here, we say we are leaving, and they don't want us to go, beni tells me to come right back. walking into three forks we see brooke, i was so happy to see her, and we sit at a table, while lisa drinks her wine, and brooke eats her soup and cider. from there we drive to alex's, seeing chris on the way. we all sit outside together on the couches, "whose dog is this?" chris asks looking at the gray puppy, part blue nose pit, part black lab, run around insanely, happy but out of control, "beni's" alex and i say. we laugh, "i could have guessed".
coopers.
gets me a sierra nevada, and says that he likes that that's what i wanted. i watched pills, and drinks, everything be shared. the "blow" the "waves" the "party". a soft blur of sprinkling rain on the tent above, jokes and dancing from richard, but mostly smiles, from beni. he watches me, and when i look over, every time, he's whispering and laughing, he's talking to jeff about me. no matter what i do he never sits next to me, every time i lose track of him, i find him frantically searching the bar for me. one time he said he even ran out the front, he thought i was leaving and would be on the street. at one point he offers if i ever want to get out of the bar, we could go for a walk if that was something i would want to do. i tell him that it would be, figuring he assumed i could get over the bar scene, but it was a kind thought. i meet his sister, he introduces me to his friends. i'm sitting on the bench in the back, after having martin or someone turn on the heater for me, and beni is to my left against the fence, talking about me, still grinning. there is a spot next to me, i look at him, and when our eyes meet i motion to the seat. he come over fast, and excited seeming, we drink our beers and talk about books. we talk about leif, and friendship, we talk to hayley, about joe, love, marriage. after beni introduces me to an attractive older man, alone, standing across from me at the heater, we discuss oakland, the housing and the areas, the man leaves, and is replaced by a creepy seeming younger light haired kid in a big necklace. over-eager he strikes up a conversation i cannot get out of, and definitely do not want to be in, i don't see beni, who had likely disappeared yet again inside, and the kid begins to show more and more interested, but with dull questions about why i was there. beni appear behind me to the right and grabs me, literally sweeping me away, "lucky guy" the child announces bitter, and loudly, this angers beni, until i thank him.
"you want to go on that walk?" i was so surprised he remembered, sure my face showed it, i told him that i did. we talk to alex for a bit, then leave together, telling those in the bar that we would shortly return, which i knew we would, i trusted the things he said to me. he grabs my hand as soon we are on the sidewalk, it's freezing cold, and i was so grateful to be in his sweater. we're both smiling wide, walking briskly towards i wasn't sure. "i know somewhere cool we can go". we cross the street into the national lot, and everytime our hand holding breaks he reaches for it again. in the parking lot he makes us trade sweaters, slipping his giant coat onto my shoulders. he never made fun of me when i said i was scared of heights, saying he got me over and over, every time that i needed to hear it. i could feel his strength as he helped me down the rocks and through the path, he held my hand every change of grade, and used the flashlight on his phone only when he worried about my footing. he chose two flat rocks or maybe pieces of cement for us to sit on, telling me this was the place. i sat to his right, and together we looked out onto the orange-lit rolling water. we stared at the stars, and talked about his family, our friends, life. he asks me things like my middle name. that is girlfriend was eleven years older. he asked what i wanted to talk about, he explained that he wanted to get to know me better. i replied that i didn't know what i wanted to talk about, he said that was alright. i told him that i thought the moon was orange, but it was actually a distant porch light. i didn't feel compelled to tell him any of my problems, i felt a missed sort of peacefulness. we held hands, and looked at each other. he laughed at all my comments, and tried to warm me up with his breath. staring into each other's eyes, speaking nothing at all, he finally asks if i was wanting to kiss him. i respond vaguely yes, and smile, he responds that he really really has been wanting to. finally i ask him why he hadn't. "i am waiting for the right moment", "i like to wait." after he says that he pauses, and sort of looks around, innocently. he decided that this actually is not a bad moment, the trees and the rocks and the water and the stars. i don't say anything, until we begin to talk a little more, it's quiet for a few moments, and before i could think about it his lips are touching mine, and then are gone.
i look at him, he says something like he wanted it to be a surprise, proudly. i say nothing, and lose track of time kissing softly on the rocks. he's reaching in his jacket pockets (on me) for his lighter, there is not one. i search the contents of my bag, equally as desperate. he is sincerely frustrated, at how much he wanted to smoke a cigarette, right here, right now. he tells me about his nicotine dependency and all the other. this makes him disappointed, i apologize for my questions, and watch his head rest in his arms. as time passes, i speak what i didn't want to, that we could leave, find a lighter. he immediately declines, and asks me if that would make me sad if he had accepted, i admit a little, he says "yeah", it wasn't like that, he didn't want to go. we hang out until it's cold and we want to see his dog, he helps me up the rocks, every step of the way, and reaches for my hand again in between, he tells me we have to see jeff first, then we'll go to alex's for odessa.
back at the bar, jeff is very drunk and very devastated we had abandoned him, beni repeats "we came back, we came back, we came back". the three of us talk for a while, above jeff's love life, texting conversation, and about me replacing him to beni, and their plans for the next day. hunter says he was my first kiss, and looks at beni, saying he will be my last. beni scoots my chair closer to his, with me in it. beni at one point picks me up, after me telling him to not, and kisses me while i'm in the air. it's last call, and we hang out inside. beni talks to jeff about me behind their matching black hats, he tells the bartender about an angel, they all look over at me. i scoff, and sit by him at a bar stool. we leave, and i instantly text lizz "we are hanging out monday", instead of "i need you here now".
hunter, jeff, beni and i walk up the hill to alex's. beni is attentive, asking me things when i am quiet. beni is freezing but refuses his jacket. i get my things from my car, and start getting ready for bed. beni is freaking out, his dog had torn up everything, and was probably hungry, and probably left alone for too long. i was feeling selfish, and cold, and hungry. and very tired, and knew the better me would help clean up and comfort him, but i didn't. i put on sweats, brushed my teeth, ate some dried peas to help my stomach. charging my phone, i sit on the floor by the plug, and attempt to catch up on real life for a bit, though it all seemed false. as i scroll through my phone uninterested i feel a surge of energy in the bedroom doorway, beni's mood is intensely sad, not dark, but defeated, and i knew the disappoint in self well. i put my phone down, asking if he is alright, he replies that he shouldn't have left his dog, but he has nowhere to go. you can't have a car when you're living out of your dog, he says, corrects himself, then rests his head on my lap. we look at each other for a long while, not speaking, and i occasionally touch his hair, he touches my face, my hands, i lean down and kiss his soft, sad, upside down face. in a somber sadness, after he tells himself and odessa that they'll go to the park and play ball tomorrow, jeff and hunter come in. jeff give us a look, and hunter says that he had forgot that i was there. they get their cigarettes and whatever else, and all head outside to the deck.
i crawl under all the blankets in alex's bed, and am too tired for anything else. i shiver, half-asleep. at some time alex's comes in the front door, and says hello to the dark empty house, i say hello back from the blankets, and we chat for a bit before she join the boys on the porch. finally i am cozy, and recovered from the outdoors, and fall asleep. i wake up to someone gently lying on the bed, i feel an arm wrap around me and pull me in. beni and i fall asleep, until alex comes in and says we should to the guest bed. the guest bedroom is icy, his dogs hops in beside him, and beni shuts the door. beni intertwines his legs and arms in mine as i shake, i remember thinking how ridiculous it might look. i warm up, and we kiss until we are asleep again. we wake up every few hours, his dogs breathing scares him awake, and his worry wakes me, his kisses my forehead, my arms. light is peering in through the blinds, we're sleepy and sweaty, and he takes off his shirt. i listen to the church bells, i try counting them drowsily, i watch him sleep, i look at his dog, i sleep. it goes on this way for a while, not knowing the time, waking up, then falling asleep again, we smile, and kiss, and hold hands. he's asleep, and i take off my shirt, cozy but hot, and pull him closer. we lay with our same stomachs pressing up against each other. i rest my head again on his shoulder. when he wakes up for real he says water quietly, but neither of us can move. at some point i go pee and swish around some toothpaste. at some point he gets a giant container of water. in my head i subconsciously do my little test, to see if he doesn't offer me water, offers me water, or hands me water. my eyes were barely open so i concluded it didn't matter either way, but when i open them, he is holding out the container for me. back in bed, we seemed to have no want to leave. "why does oakland seem so far away now?" the first words he says to me. i don't respond to any of his future-talk, i touch his facial scruff and look at his hands. we whisper back and forth for a little while, he says he came to bed at 5am, until i ask if we should wake up alex and jeff. he said he was just thinking that, and i tell him it's his turn to wake everyone up, so he does.
"you want to go on that walk?" i was so surprised he remembered, sure my face showed it, i told him that i did. we talk to alex for a bit, then leave together, telling those in the bar that we would shortly return, which i knew we would, i trusted the things he said to me. he grabs my hand as soon we are on the sidewalk, it's freezing cold, and i was so grateful to be in his sweater. we're both smiling wide, walking briskly towards i wasn't sure. "i know somewhere cool we can go". we cross the street into the national lot, and everytime our hand holding breaks he reaches for it again. in the parking lot he makes us trade sweaters, slipping his giant coat onto my shoulders. he never made fun of me when i said i was scared of heights, saying he got me over and over, every time that i needed to hear it. i could feel his strength as he helped me down the rocks and through the path, he held my hand every change of grade, and used the flashlight on his phone only when he worried about my footing. he chose two flat rocks or maybe pieces of cement for us to sit on, telling me this was the place. i sat to his right, and together we looked out onto the orange-lit rolling water. we stared at the stars, and talked about his family, our friends, life. he asks me things like my middle name. that is girlfriend was eleven years older. he asked what i wanted to talk about, he explained that he wanted to get to know me better. i replied that i didn't know what i wanted to talk about, he said that was alright. i told him that i thought the moon was orange, but it was actually a distant porch light. i didn't feel compelled to tell him any of my problems, i felt a missed sort of peacefulness. we held hands, and looked at each other. he laughed at all my comments, and tried to warm me up with his breath. staring into each other's eyes, speaking nothing at all, he finally asks if i was wanting to kiss him. i respond vaguely yes, and smile, he responds that he really really has been wanting to. finally i ask him why he hadn't. "i am waiting for the right moment", "i like to wait." after he says that he pauses, and sort of looks around, innocently. he decided that this actually is not a bad moment, the trees and the rocks and the water and the stars. i don't say anything, until we begin to talk a little more, it's quiet for a few moments, and before i could think about it his lips are touching mine, and then are gone.
i look at him, he says something like he wanted it to be a surprise, proudly. i say nothing, and lose track of time kissing softly on the rocks. he's reaching in his jacket pockets (on me) for his lighter, there is not one. i search the contents of my bag, equally as desperate. he is sincerely frustrated, at how much he wanted to smoke a cigarette, right here, right now. he tells me about his nicotine dependency and all the other. this makes him disappointed, i apologize for my questions, and watch his head rest in his arms. as time passes, i speak what i didn't want to, that we could leave, find a lighter. he immediately declines, and asks me if that would make me sad if he had accepted, i admit a little, he says "yeah", it wasn't like that, he didn't want to go. we hang out until it's cold and we want to see his dog, he helps me up the rocks, every step of the way, and reaches for my hand again in between, he tells me we have to see jeff first, then we'll go to alex's for odessa.
back at the bar, jeff is very drunk and very devastated we had abandoned him, beni repeats "we came back, we came back, we came back". the three of us talk for a while, above jeff's love life, texting conversation, and about me replacing him to beni, and their plans for the next day. hunter says he was my first kiss, and looks at beni, saying he will be my last. beni scoots my chair closer to his, with me in it. beni at one point picks me up, after me telling him to not, and kisses me while i'm in the air. it's last call, and we hang out inside. beni talks to jeff about me behind their matching black hats, he tells the bartender about an angel, they all look over at me. i scoff, and sit by him at a bar stool. we leave, and i instantly text lizz "we are hanging out monday", instead of "i need you here now".
hunter, jeff, beni and i walk up the hill to alex's. beni is attentive, asking me things when i am quiet. beni is freezing but refuses his jacket. i get my things from my car, and start getting ready for bed. beni is freaking out, his dog had torn up everything, and was probably hungry, and probably left alone for too long. i was feeling selfish, and cold, and hungry. and very tired, and knew the better me would help clean up and comfort him, but i didn't. i put on sweats, brushed my teeth, ate some dried peas to help my stomach. charging my phone, i sit on the floor by the plug, and attempt to catch up on real life for a bit, though it all seemed false. as i scroll through my phone uninterested i feel a surge of energy in the bedroom doorway, beni's mood is intensely sad, not dark, but defeated, and i knew the disappoint in self well. i put my phone down, asking if he is alright, he replies that he shouldn't have left his dog, but he has nowhere to go. you can't have a car when you're living out of your dog, he says, corrects himself, then rests his head on my lap. we look at each other for a long while, not speaking, and i occasionally touch his hair, he touches my face, my hands, i lean down and kiss his soft, sad, upside down face. in a somber sadness, after he tells himself and odessa that they'll go to the park and play ball tomorrow, jeff and hunter come in. jeff give us a look, and hunter says that he had forgot that i was there. they get their cigarettes and whatever else, and all head outside to the deck.
i crawl under all the blankets in alex's bed, and am too tired for anything else. i shiver, half-asleep. at some time alex's comes in the front door, and says hello to the dark empty house, i say hello back from the blankets, and we chat for a bit before she join the boys on the porch. finally i am cozy, and recovered from the outdoors, and fall asleep. i wake up to someone gently lying on the bed, i feel an arm wrap around me and pull me in. beni and i fall asleep, until alex comes in and says we should to the guest bed. the guest bedroom is icy, his dogs hops in beside him, and beni shuts the door. beni intertwines his legs and arms in mine as i shake, i remember thinking how ridiculous it might look. i warm up, and we kiss until we are asleep again. we wake up every few hours, his dogs breathing scares him awake, and his worry wakes me, his kisses my forehead, my arms. light is peering in through the blinds, we're sleepy and sweaty, and he takes off his shirt. i listen to the church bells, i try counting them drowsily, i watch him sleep, i look at his dog, i sleep. it goes on this way for a while, not knowing the time, waking up, then falling asleep again, we smile, and kiss, and hold hands. he's asleep, and i take off my shirt, cozy but hot, and pull him closer. we lay with our same stomachs pressing up against each other. i rest my head again on his shoulder. when he wakes up for real he says water quietly, but neither of us can move. at some point i go pee and swish around some toothpaste. at some point he gets a giant container of water. in my head i subconsciously do my little test, to see if he doesn't offer me water, offers me water, or hands me water. my eyes were barely open so i concluded it didn't matter either way, but when i open them, he is holding out the container for me. back in bed, we seemed to have no want to leave. "why does oakland seem so far away now?" the first words he says to me. i don't respond to any of his future-talk, i touch his facial scruff and look at his hands. we whisper back and forth for a little while, he says he came to bed at 5am, until i ask if we should wake up alex and jeff. he said he was just thinking that, and i tell him it's his turn to wake everyone up, so he does.
"It made me think maybe human's not such a bad thing to be"
"I'll walk you out."
"two weeks before is a long time" he says
"no it's not" I say, getting into my car
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