this is me not writing about you, I know, I couldn't help it.

you may not forgive me, you may be actively not-forgiving me right now. the concept that I do things that intentionally make you unhappy, and your unhappiness re those choices, is one that we both can understand. the reward of this week, the reward of this life is going to be allowing myself to speak with you again. I feel right now as though (for many reasons) I've lost my sense of equilibrium, I am floating in a dark abyss, totally alone (by own doing). talking to you is not just an act that feels good, it is something that is good, it gives me a feeling of home, being understood and cared for. I've been thinking so much about all you do for me, I thought of writing it all down, all the small things that came to mind, just so you would know, I think you know you are a great friend to me, I hope you know. it is difficult to tell you how highly I regard you, hard to relay the depth or sincerity. this means everything to me, and I will not squander, let alone so much as weaken this by making it about a disease that always should have been treated professionally. I know I could go to you, I know I could tell you everything, it's not your job, even with it being so important to me, not only that I can be honest with you, but furthermore, that I so badly want to be. I am sorry for how I've treated you, I'll write it here since you do not wish to hear it. you're such a huge part in me wanting to feel better, for things to be good, and normal. I'm sorry I am not strong enough to allow myself anything in moderation, I had to cut off communication, because I'm all or nothing when I'm like this. I already showed you all, we both know pretty well it is too much. I am trying not to drown you in me, I am trying not to drown. I guess the worst part (selfishly) is that I do not know if it matters to you, if you'd like to be talking to me. today I remembered how I recently had told you I need us to talk every day, you didn't really say anything, but I trusted you still felt as though you wanted that too. I felt ashamed I couldn't keep everything how we wanted it, I still do. I miss you these days, I've been reading our old texts, looking at pictures. I remembered why I made this decision though, I saw what I had said to you and was so humiliated. I promise to try my very hardest not to be like that, we both know how. I've lost too many friends to the heaviness of my being, you're not other people, though, you're not like anyone else.
I owe you for all this, I won't forget

Edit (1:57am):

I LOVE YOU, FROM MY SWOLLEN EYES, TO MY BROKEN BRAIN, TO MY CAUTIONARY HEART

WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS

I say we because I mean us,

together

I am so sorry for isolating you from this

but I had to make these strides without

the fear of manipulating you within it

that sounds worse than it is

but me, I swear I'm worse than I sound

you believe me

you are the person

who takes me the right amount of serious

I'm not sure what I did to deserve this 

(I long to tell you everything,
I need someone who wants to hear it..)


"there's nothing I can really say
I can't lie no more
I can't hide no more
got to be true to myself
and it feels like I am just too close to love you"

"to let me dangle at a cruel angle
oh my feet don't touch the floor"