The Last Time I Was Holding My Scoby I Was Crying

the last time I was holding my scoby I was crying, I could not help but worry so deeply about something being dependent on me. 
this thought still scares me tremendously, but today, I did not cry. 

If austin is at home, why am I here?

if alex, and chris and dylan are at home, why am I here?

I go to work yesterday, make a delivery in the city, go home (feel sad about feeling sad, fall asleep), meet lizz at cafe underwood for dinner, she tells me that she feels abandoned, I don't know what to say, she asks me what my plan is, I haven't got an answer. she says she wants to go back home, how am I supposed to do this without her? that isn't fair, though, my mind also full with ideas to go. lizz says she's going to hang out with friends and has to leave, what she means is she is going to have fun, I say okay, which means I am going to cry in the dark in my boss' car for 30-45 minutes unable to move my limbs. I get home and lying in bed, jillian calls, she explains that she doesn't want to live in the city, doesn't even mention oakland, asks what my plan is, I say I do not know. I wake up, go to starbucks, go to work, get a text from jillian saying she's probably moving to chico. part of me wants to tell her that my mom said she'd have new friends and a new life without me there, going to school and happy, zandra said she would want to party, have a good time, and that I would become dull, boring, obsolete. part of me wants to go. jillian says she is going to travel, study abroad after a year or year and a half. whether someone tells you that you can or can't depend on them it does not matter. jillian says that no one knows anyone at all, it's one of the things we truly agree on. I text lizz during the day, wanting her to know I wasn't hiding, even though I also texted her at midnight last night. I want her to feel loved, I'm not good at it anymore. 

I told her specifically that I was going to sabotage this, make it very hard, make it really hard to love me, to love one another. she asks me last night how I think she and I are, I respond, "this may sound annoying, but I feel really good about us." I wasn't lying, I'm hurting, but love her more than ever, we still love each other so much, even though we've changed. because we've changed. I'm sitting on the curb resting my head on my arms, looking at her, I want to tell her not to leave me, but I can't. I don't. I am alone again, probably always was. my world is narrowing, shrinking and folding in on itself. I'd do anything to make her happy, I want to be happy for you.