Every Word Inspired By

"and I don't expect you to understand
that every word was inspired by
getting angry at being so emotional"

"I leave it in your capable hands"

Language

It's crazy how variant facial expressions can really be
and it is complicated thinking about anything
to the extent that I seem to deem necessary
and I found myself saying I did not have enough energy
left in me
to continue this life
but there is a name for that, so I just kept that thought in my mind

and I was thinking today how you surely miss
having someone around who tries so hard
with their dream analysis
their bashful jokes, and movie scripts
writing everything down and making you read it
I was exhausting, and exhausted just thinking up that list
so you do your own thing and that's okay
I'll sit alone here thinking how if I had a pen and pad
I would still want to send this your way
about how many different things people can say with their face
and the language of mine that you lost
when my eyes, not mouth said I wish you would stay

Danger Of Goals Crashing Down

"Alternatively, the crashing airplane represents your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt. You do not believe in your own ability to achieve those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified."

"To dream that you are riding a bus implies that you are going along with the crowd. You are lacking originality and control over where your life is taking.

To dream that you are in a bus accident suggests that it is time for you to move away from a group setting and venture out on your own. You need to be more independent."

People Do Not Understand

“the hardest thing is to do something which is close to nothing 
because it is demanding all of you.”

Complicated Stories About Who You Used To Be

  "I am permenantly preoccupied with your past

  I've been around long enough now
  To know that the good things never last


  How low is your self esteem
  And how low could it possibly be?

  I will stop cutting my pants into shorts
  I will address the issues I cannot ignore
  And I will do the things I think you might like
  And I will be alone probably the rest of my life"

Examining Something

"Emotionally overinvested in some undefined, unspoken idea (regarding his own sense of self), and this investment overwhelms all other components of his psyche."

"I've consumed people's lives without their consent. I reached a point in my life where I became exclusively interested in the unseen reality of human behavior."

"The act of asking someone a question completely destroys the value of the answer."
"In quantum mechanics, the Uncertainty Principle suggests that the act of measuring one magnitude of a particle, be it mass, velocity, or position, causes its other magnitudes to blur. In other words, the very process of examining something changes what that something is."

Energy Always

If there is one thing that I believe in in this world it is thoughts and energy and feelings and words. I said one because they are all the same thing and they are all things.
The list of things that I desperately wish to tell you is growing increasingly longer, and I am a dam known to collapse, and you hate that about me nearly as much as I do.

Look At Me Now

"How can you just walk away from me, 
when all I can do is watch you leave 
Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain, 
and even shared the tears 
You're the only one who really knew me at all 

So take a look at me now, 
cause there's just an empty space "

Backwards

“I can still see you flailing,
eating knuckle cake,
full torque and tender,
heart pounding from being pulled under,
feet bleeding from bracing for endings,
tongue dying to curse Forever,
because promises murder us backwards,
when people like me don’t keep them.”

To Be Worse To Feel Better

If there is a God, he is telling me in every way he possibly can to be shittier to my friends. Which also made me think that if I don't get the luxury of feeling things are unconditional, why should anyone else. 10am wake up call, and you're telling me that all I am doing is taking what little I can get. I have to be worse to people, 

better to myself, which is so much harder.

You said nothing is mutual, and I will love you forever for that.

And That's Too Bad

He calls me out, "I felt you try to break away from that hug", finishes me, "twice." I tried to save some face, didn't bother explaining every time I have held on to something too long and what that feels like, better it be him. But I did say that I will know for next time, what I meant was that every situation is both its last and its succeeding. 

"In and of itself, nothing really matters. What matters is that nothing is ever in and of itself."

Feel Well

this can never ever work because you want and need someone who is well and treats you shitty, while i am shitty and treat you well. i do wonder sometimes if you've realized this, about it being impossible i mean. it seems like i'll just be eternally distraught and disappointed and you will be annoyed and not be able to properly recognize the feeling. you hate me, but don't want to so act as if you don't, and i hate myself in how i act towards you. i guess i could play it cool, but i guess i wanted this to be one of the very few things in my life where i wasn't just playing.

Fidgeting

I watched you rip apart leaves, and wanted to ask 
why you were nervous. but I said what do you got 
there? you quickly threw it to the ground as a 
response, and watching you in all those moments 
before, you were me and I was everybody else, 
and I felt badly.

Let You Be

My epiphany today is that the most powerful and meaningful thing to me is not revealing and sharing my most private and personal feelings and truths, but rather knowing in my heart of hearts that I am able to.
Far more important than knowing someone is there for me when I need them is feeling okay about them knowing that I do, whether they are there or not.
Please, please know that the ideal intimate situation, despite what one may believe, does not involve me talking, and this may be one of the only things that I have really accepted regarding myself, in a positive light.
I have come to understand and come to terms with everything you are and are to me, and I will let you be, everything, but wrong. 

And I likely have nothing to bear, aside from that fact itself.

****promised myself i would never again write about you, especially anywhere you may see. broke it.

Spell It Out

this is all kind of really gross to me.
"

Type 1    Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||| 74% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||||| 78% Type 3 Image Focus |||||| 30% Type 4 Individualism |||||| 30% Type 5 Intellectualism |||||||||||||||| 66% Type 6 Security Focus |||||||||||||||||| 78% Type 7 Adventurousness |||| 18% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||| 14% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||||| 54%

type	score	type behavior motivation
2	19	I must be helpful and caring to survive.
6	19	I must be secure and safe to survive.
1	18	I must be perfect and good to survive.
5	16	I must be knowledgeable to survive.
9	13	I must maintain peace/calm to survive.
3	7	I must be impressive and attractive to survive.
4	7	I must be unique/different to survive.
7	4	I must be fun and entertained to survive.
8	3	I must be strong and in control to survive.

Your main type is Type 2 Your variant stacking is so/sp/sx Your level of health is very low, i.e. very unhealthy Based on your health score you would benefit from working on your... physical health/fitness  psychological health

Enneagram Type 2:
Giver, Caretaker, Helper, Nurturer, Advisor or Manipulator

Overview
You want to be appealing, giving, caring and heartfelt. More importantly, you want to be needed, considered important and appreciated for your efforts. You see yourself as approachable, nurturing and thoughtful. You would like others to see you as empathetic, supportive and altruistic. Your idealized image is that you are a loving and helpful person.

You have a warm, sociable and enthusiastic personality. You want to be liked and are always ready with an easy smile, helpful advice or a friendly compliment. Relationship orientated, you reach out to others and are often the first one to lend a hand. A good listener, you focus on the needs and concerns of others. You usually know what people need and feel, and enjoy taking on the kind of role where you can show your giving and generous nature. You have developed the gift of flattery to the level of an art form because you see how this skill can be a currency for creating intimate rapport.

Secretly, you can feel needy and vulnerable feeling that you must earn the right to be loved. Avoiding a deep sense of loneliness, you find ways to connect to and be of service to others. You have an innate sense of what to say or do to make people feel seen and admired. Like a fairy godmother or godfather, you like to do special things for people and surprise them with unexpected gifts. You take note of others’ desires and try to fulfill them. You take pride in your ability to comfort and support others.

You find it gratifying to be of service and are drawn to people that have power and influence. You enjoy being the power behind the throne and make yourself appealing by being indispensable. Always ready to be helpful, others often depend on you. You have innate people skills and value interpersonal relationships above all else. Your extraordinary insight about what people need and your ability to create mutual trust and affinity are rare gifts. You love to be instrumental in helping others achieve their full potential.

Need
You need approval, recognition and admiration. Most importantly, you want to be seen as a ‘special’ friend. You go out of your way to notice what is needed and feel motivated when others acknowledge your efforts and express their appreciation. Sometimes, you are so focused on others, that you don’t pay attention to your own unmet needs and feelings. You may feel that in order to have your needs met by others, you must meet their needs first.

Avoid
You avoid appearing needy or useless. Secretly, you fear being ignored and don’t want to feel left out or be seen as inconsequential. To be liked, you avoid saying or doing anything that is off-putting or unflattering. You feel much more comfortable giving than receiving. To let yourself receive, you would have to express your own desires, which feels very vulnerable to you. Focused on the needs of others, you may repress your own needs and feel taken for granted.

Virtue
Demonstrative and friendly, you are exceptionally gifted at creating and maintaining relationships. Emotionally astute, you have a way of creating rapport with even the most difficult people. Softhearted and sympathetic, you are sensitive to others and always seem to notice when someone feels sad or is in distress. You intuitively know what is needed in any given situation and always seem to know just the right thing to say and do. Your ability to sense and satisfy other’s emotional needs is second to none. You also have the ability to match others and work well in tandem with them.

Level 4: Want to be closer to others, so start "people pleasing," becoming overly friendly, emotionally demonstrative, and full of "good intentions" about everything. Give seductive attention: approval, "strokes," flattery. Love is their supreme value, and they talk about it constantly.

also, biggest fear of life:

Level 5: Become overly intimate and intrusive: they need to be needed, so they hover, meddle, and control in the name of love. Want others to depend on them: give, but expect a return: send double messages. Enveloping and possessive: the codependent, self-sacrificial person who cannot do enough for others—wearing themselves out for everyone, creating needs for themselves to fulfill."

__________________

"Enneagram Type 6:
Loyal Person, Devil's Advocate, Skeptic, Guardian or Rebel 

Overview
You want to be safe and secure, to fit in and belong. More importantly, you want to have certainty and security, putting your faith in a trusted authority, belief system or tradition. You see yourself as faithful, friendly, conservative and/or cautious. You would like others to see you as loyal, dedicated and reliable. Your idealized image is that you are supportive and do your duty.

A bundle of contradictions, you can be wary and cautious one minute and/or rebellious and courageous the next. You possess an endearing childlike reactivity and often take the position of the devil’s advocate. Depending on the situation, you can be friendly and outgoing or reserved and skeptical. A ‘good soldier’, you prefer the role of buddy, loyal family member or trusted employee. You can be a reluctant authority because you fear that taking on a leadership position might make you a target for opposition. You are attracted to people who are strong, protective and/or have prestige. You seek trusted, reliable authorities and allies.

Often identifying with the underdog and distrustful of people’s hidden agendas, you are slow to trust new acquaintances. Fearing that you will be duped or taken advantage of, you are keenly aware of inconsistencies. To determine if someone is trustworthy, you watch for and question any discrepancy you observe. Once someone passes the testing process, you become deeply committed and a most loyal friend. Devoted to your friends and family, you show allegiance over individuality.

You are curious, skeptical and doubting by nature. Because you are afraid of being unprepared or caught off guard, you often rehearse in your mind what you might say or do. Imaginative and visual, you can often see what might go wrong. You may even enjoy scaring yourself by thinking of worst-case scenarios so that you will never be paralyzed by the fear of not knowing what to say or do. Although you are afraid of being afraid, you are capable of being profoundly dutiful and heroic. Once you let go of doubts, your fear turns into excitement and you can surprise yourself with unexpected acts of courage.

Need
You need predictability, a protective, trustworthy authority and the security of feeling that you belong. You long for guidance to manage the feelings of fear and doubt. You are a “proof junkie” who needs to test people, ideas and beliefs over and over again to see if they are worthy of your loyalty. You need reassurance and encouraging, positive feedback from friends and loved ones.

Avoid
You avoid deviance, uncertainty and anything that is different from any group or idea to which you ascribe. You are highly motivated to avoid disappointing friends or authority figures. Fear and doubt  can undermine your sense of safety. You are afraid of fear, submission and cowardice, so you vacillate between loyalty and rebelliousness by puffing up and backing down. You fear anything unproven or radical. You also are afraid of deviating from the norm or being different from your peers. Your greatest fear, however, is to be alone and unprotected.

The Questioner (the Six)

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

• Be direct and clear.
• Listen to me carefully.
• Don't judge me for my anxiety.
• Work things through with me.
• Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
• Laugh and make jokes with me.
• Gently push me toward new experiences.
• Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Six

• being committed and faithful to family and friends
• being responsible and hardworking
• being compassionate toward others
• having intellect and wit
• being a nonconformist
• confronting danger bravely
• being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Six

• the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
• procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
• fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
• exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
• wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
• being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Type Six in Brief

The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. 

At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.

• Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance
• Basic Desire: To have security and support
• Enneagram Six with a Five-Wing: "The Defender"
• Enneagram Six with a Seven-Wing: "The Buddy"

Key Motivations: Want to have security, to feel supported by others, to have certitude and reassurance, to test the attitudes of others toward them, to fight against anxiety and insecurity.

Type Six Overview

We have named personality type Six The Loyalist because, of all the personality types, Sixes are the most loyal to their friends and to their beliefs. They will “go down with the ship” and hang on to relationships of all kinds far longer than most other types. Sixes are also loyal to ideas, systems, and beliefs—even to the belief that all ideas or authorities should be questioned or defied. Indeed, not all Sixes go along with the “status quo”: their beliefs may be rebellious and anti-authoritarian, even revolutionary. In any case, they will typically fight for their beliefs more fiercely than they will fight for themselves, and they will defend their community or family more tenaciously than they will defend themselves.

The reason Sixes are so loyal to others is that they do not want to be abandoned and left without support—their Basic Fear. Thus, the central issue for type Six is a failure of self-confidence. Sixes come to believe that they do not possess the internal resources to handle life’s challenges and vagaries alone, and so increasingly rely on structures, allies, beliefs, and supports outside themselves for guidance to survive. If suitable structures do not exist, they will help create and maintain them.

they do not have confidence in their own minds and judgments.

This does not mean that they do not think. On the contrary, they think—and worry—a lot! They also tend to fear making important decisions, although at the same time, they resist having anyone else make decisions for them. They want to avoid being controlled, but are also afraid of taking responsibility in a way that might put them “in the line of fire.”

Until they can get in touch with their own inner guidance, Sixes are like a ping-pong ball that is constantly shuttling back and forth between whatever influence is hitting the hardest in any given moment. 

The biggest problem for Sixes is that they try to build safety in the environment without resolving their own emotional insecurities. When they learn to face their anxieties, however, Sixes understand that although the world is always changing and is, by nature uncertain, they can be serene and courageous in any circumstance. And they can attain the greatest gift of all, a sense of peace with themselves despite the uncertainties of life.

Level 4: Start investing their time and energy into whatever they believe will be safe and stable. Organizing and structuring, they look to alliances and authorities for security and continuity. Constantly vigilant, anticipating problems.

(i was a level 5 but wanted to be a 4)

holy shit, i just took another test on a very different website and my results were:

Your main type is 6.

Considering the wings you should be a 6w5.

• Sixes with a 5 wing are generally introverted and somewhat intellectual. When healthy, they often have many realms of interest as well as surprising competencies and skills. May have an original and idiosyncratic point of view. Can be bookish; some are interested in history or feel rooted in the past or related to a long tradition. Also good at predicting the future. May test potential friends for a long time but once you're in, you're in - a friend for life. When more entranced, they may project a willed remoteness. Have a "tip of the iceberg" quality - they show little but you sense hidden dimensions, intensity and activity. Tension between needing to be seen and withdrawing for protection. Might act arrogant or cryptic or cynical when afraid. When phobic, can be diplomatic and say things without saying them. Entranced counterphobics are either cool and loners or argumentative, tending towards violence. Can brood over injustices to them, entertain conspiracy theories, spend time alone building cases. Paranoia in private. May like secretive behind-the-scenes group activity. Sneaky vengeance, passive/aggressive toward others, self-attacking and self-destructive at home.

Conflicted between trust and distrust
People of this personality type essentially feel insecure, as though there is nothing quite steady enough to hold onto. At the core of the type Six personality is a kind of fear or anxiety. This anxiety has a very deep source and can manifest in a variety of different styles, making Sixes somewhat difficult to describe and to type. What all Sixes have in common however, is the fear rooted at the center of their personality, which manifests in worrying, and restless imaginings of everything that might go wrong.

Sixes are generally looking for something or someone to believe in. This, combined with their general suspiciousness, gives rise to a complicated relationship to authority. The side of the Six which is looking for something to believe in, is often very susceptible to the temptation to turn authority over to an external source, whether it be in the form of an individual or a creed. But the Six's tendency towards distrust and suspicion works against any sort of faith in authority. Thus, two opposite pulls exist side by side in the personality of enneatype Six, and assume different proportions in different individuals, sometimes alternating within the same individual.

Because Sixes so frequently fail to appreciate the extent of their own fear, they often mistype themselves. It is common for instance, for female Sixes to mistype as Twos, especially if they are identified with a helper role, but Sixes have a much more ambivalent attitude towards relationships than do Twos, who generally know exactly what they want. Sixes, failing to recognize their anxiety, can mistype as Nines, but Nines have the ability to relax and to trust in others, neither of which come easily to Sixes. Sixes can mistype as Fours, especially if they have artistic inclinations, but they lack the Four's self-absorption. They can mistype as Fives, especially if they are intellectual, as many Sixes are, but unlike Fives, Sixes tend to be practical. Finally, conterphobic Sixes can easily mistype as Eights, but they lack the Eight's self-certainty."

Breathe Meaning To Every Gasp Of Air

"Now ghosts, they have their secrets
And they'll tell them to a few
So you could never pay attention 
When they're whispering to you
There were many talents you possessed 
That I wished myself to have
But the way your eyes would gloss over 
Well, I never envied that
And I doubt you'll ever come back now 
From wherever it is you are
Because you never understood 
What we loved you for

I'm sure the TV sets will tell us 
When someone reinvents the wheel
Until then I'll have a million conversations 
About shit that isn't real
But I've tried to breathe in meaning
Dig deep to every gasp of air 
Because I know you did the same thing 
For as long as you could bear
I guess everything just circles around 
To where it was before
So I hope I see you soon 
In some other form"

Last Few Days

"
breaking down my walls and shaking all my dreams

wait around as we watch the time go
and build myself a new home, a new home
and I've been great these last few days
and oh my god, who gives a shit anyways

"

"
I could say it was the last time
but I know it's not the last time"

Thinking

End-all-be-all's, the-ones-that-got-away, and soul-mates; dreams, forever.
I like reading poetry, prose, falling asleep.
I am good at: getting other's nicknames to stick, and opening jars. I am not good at: pretty much everything that does not involve a lid.
I live in what I like to call a constant state of the opposite of paranoia; where I assume that everyone I am surrounded by is attempting to better me.
She said to me, "Here is your purpose", and handed me a key to the room 12, and it was a letdown to say the least.
I am bombarded throughout the day by signs, hints, clues, and beyond coincidences. I left my house today and saw a car windshield that read, "Go forward", written with a finger in dirt, it  was  everything.
I find such a lasting satisfaction in telling people that they will never fix their utmost personal and deep-seeded imperfections.
I killed my venus flytrap the same way that I kill everything, by loving it too much and then half-ass abandoning it.
The most rewarding thing I have done in the last three months is bring the front yard somewhat back to life.
I like songs about friendship, and movies about love.
Dead dog, deer in the headlights, creature of habit.
I find overeager to be an extremely foul word that I hope to never hear again.
Sick stomach, ate too many RAW EMOTIONS.
I dislike very much when people tell me that I am non-confrontational, but I would never correct them in fear of getting into an argument over it.

The last thing I remember saying to you last night before we both fell asleep, you so many hours before I, was that I was mentally a human-centipede and have emotionally been pooping in my own mouth. I laughed, and you didn't really, but you said gross, and I said way too accurate.

Joined

Transfixed, like I had never seen someone fascinating before. We touched for the sole purpose of it being the last means of connecting, we were rooted in all other possible  aspects.
"We were addicted to the moon light lines in my old room,
and  I  couldn't  tell  us  apart."

For Everyone

I just want to be happier.

-6am

Moot

you said that it was not moot because moot would mean no one cares, and you do not want me to leave you, and that it was selfish, and you knew. I explained that you not coming is the same as someone leaving, and why don't people understand that everything is the same. that everything is the 

same thing.

Human Cat

• I always have this sick inkling that the people that love me only do when I am happy, so, with that said, it is nice to know that something on this earth comes and finds me whenever it I that I am at my worst. I am going to do something with the term human cat, I think it deserves more than a lousy blog title. 
• I cannot stop thinking about the concept of family and it (among other things) is making me lose my mind. It is not exactly that I feel like other people are like under-appreciative or something, it just isn't something you can cherish as much when you have it, like everything else. I just hope that if I have kids that they have ketchup always in the fridge, and I know this isn't all about condiments or anything, but right now it is, and I think if your child opens their fridge there should be the dips and sauces that they want, ya know?
• My mom never taught me how to make rice, or really cook anything. I was trying to remember today the last time my mom made me a meal, even so much as a snack. And I remembered. Last month I went over to the friend's house that my mom is staying at, and she was making lunch for herself, and asked if I wanted a turkey burger, I ate two I think. My parents love to do this thing where they display their lives to me in such a way that I cannot fathom any hope for my own future. There is no opportunity to live in a family setting whatsoever, because my mom lives in a small bedroom strew with clothing, food, and what-have-you's. I don't really find it an option to live with my father because technically he lives in Fairfax, and also if I were to go to his Nevada City house I would live in the constant fear of him losing it (about to lose his second house this year), intertwined with the anxiety of every airplane, helicopter, car wheels, car doors, noise in the forest that a person can handle. Some days I am more worrisome about "the feds" than actually my own life. 
• I went to lunch with my mom yesterday, I think it's really nice when she pays, and I try not to feel guilty. Then as we are sitting at the table, I open up a little and tell her this super humiliating story about the holes in my academic education (and now I am realizing, likely holes in my brain) to which she laughed and and responded with "yeah, you have a learning disability, Honey." It's sooo cliche but I cannot count how many times I am diagnosed with different emotional, mental, and physically issues when I see my mother. It's cliche because she is my mom, and also a therapist, but it is only sad I guess when she says things like she did that day. "I feel like I help all the kids at my office so much, and I just can't help my children." She tells anyone with two ears that her children are struggling in this life, whether I am standing there or not.
• I need maple syrup, and this is exactly what I am talking about.
• My brain has a difficult time functioning properly when I have caffeine like this, and have slept the amount of hours that I did. I drank that tea that really actually works, and I took tylenol pm, which also really works when my tolerance in down.
• My mom said at lunch to never confine in my dad, because he says never to do anything that you don't want to. My mom also asked how good I am at trimming, asked if I am fast, wanted to know how good Dylan was at it. I told my mom that Dylan was very good and also very fast, and maybe she just wanted to know if I had trimmed before, or had watched Dylan, (she is sort of conniving and I forget that, probably intentionally). Then my mom says that it makes sense how skilled Dylan is because he has been doing it for so many years, which bothered me, thoroughly. I realize from time to time that I am the only person in my immediate family without a script, I then always wonder if I should get a script to grow and if it would help things, then I move on.
• (My last paycheck from the Inn was 42 dollars, of course that is my fault, but I owe my mom about two hundred this week; gotta get outta here)
• I hope I live in a family environment again someday, I think the setting would be really good for me, and I would be good in it. (Maybe even thrive). I love helping out, I like cleaning and cooking and being polite, I love sharing. I wish I could live with just my brother, and we could help each other, it's always been this kind of dream of mine. I love more than anything when I go over to a friend's house and their mom makes dinner, I love so much feeling included, I watched the olympics at Sam's and I don't even like her dad really but sat with everyone and I enjoyed it so much, I really soaked it all in, I love a home feel, I should do these things more often.
• My last heart-to-heart with my dad went like this: "So, how have things.. been?" "Oh... same ol' same ol'."
• I guess this is all growing up, and how terribly cliche, for me to say that I didn't expect it all to go this way

To Stagnate

"stag·nant (stgnnt) adj. 1. Not moving or flowing; motionless. 2. Foul or stale from standing: stagnant ponds. 3. a. Showing little or no sign of activity or advancement; not developing or progressing; inactive: a stagnant economy. b. Lacking vitality or briskness; sluggish or dull: a stagnant mind.

Origin: 1660–70;  < Latin stāgnant-  (stem of stāgnāns ), present participleof stāgnāre  to stagnate; see -ant

Related forms

stag·nan·cy, stag·nance, noun

stag·nant·ly, adverb

un·stag·nant, adjective

un·stag·nant·ly, adverb

Synonyms 
4.  dormant, lifeless, dead, inert, lazy."

So Forth

When I am feeling badly, I picture your face doing that thing that is does, and I feel good.
When I am feeling good, I picture your face doing that thing that is does, and I feel badly.


 "I've been known to stay in on days such as this"

Movie Questions

1. What was the last movie you watched on theaters? safety not guaranteed
2. What was the first movie you ever remember watching on theaters? pocahontas, i think
3. Top 5 movies the science of sleep, wicker park, moulin rouge, eternal sunshine, the tree of life/fight club/donnie darko/a single man
4. Top 5 directors michel gondry, wes anderson, david fincher, m. night, christopher nolan  
5. A favorite adapted movie fight club or wicker park
6. Your best experience on going to the movies seeing a movie with somebody(s) you're happy to see it with
7. A guilty pleasure comedies..
8. An overrated movie atonement
9. An underrated movie every documentary i've seen and liked, SEVEN POUNDS
10. A movie that not many have heard that you’ve seen heartbeats
11. A movie you watched mainly for an actor monogamy
12. Top 5 actors jo pho, owen wilson/luke wilson, ryan gosling, edward norton, eddie redmayne
13. Top 5 actresses carey mulligan, rashida jones, jessica chastain, rose byrne, rebecca hall/jennifer connelley/drew barrymore (both of these lists are weird and kind of inaccurate... it depends on the role)
14. VHS, DVD or Blu-Ray? dvd i guess
15. Favorite Disney movie (not PIXAR!) beauty and the beast, i think
16. A tearjerker every movie ever, i cried at the end of step up revolution, so that i guess
17. A movie that you know is bad but you can’t help but love it josie and the pussycats and spiceworld, although i personally would never ever consider them to be bad
18. Favorite Movie Soundtrack 8 mile, a single man, or the tree of life
19. Favorite quote from a movie the greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return; moulin rouge, i am jack's inflamed sense of rejection, you are not a beauty and unique snowflake; fight club, sometimes we don't do things so that others won't know that we want to do them; the village, if the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. there would only be you and your memories; donnie darko, i'm erasing you and i'm happy, the perfect ending to this piece of shit story! you said so good with such distain; eternal sunshine, i love you, i love everything about you that hurts; closer, things will turn out the way you want, if you could just stop doubting that i love you; science of sleep, this is simple, and happy, what i always meant to give you; beginners, because, in my dreams we are together, what's the most resilient parasite? an idea; inception, ...that's what loved the most, connecting with the people. looking back, that's all that really mattered, life is a matter of a miracle that is collected over time by moments flabbergasted to be in each others presence; waking life.
20. A movie that was better than the book brokeback mountain
21. First adult film you watched (thematically speaking not R-rated) tila tequila porn comes to mind
22. A kids movie you always watch fantastic mr. fox is a good one
23. Favorite Science Fiction movie inception
24. Favorite Comedy the royal tenenbaums, forgetting sarah marshall
25. Favorite Fantasy the illusionist, benjamin button
26. Favorite Love Story like crazy, the illusionist, wicker park, the science of sleep
27. A movie you hate the hangover II, and all such movies
28. Favorite animated movie waking life
29. A movie from your favorite director you didn’t liked be kind rewind
30. Favorite comic book movie v for vendetta, watchmen, or scott pilgrim
31. 3 movies you’re expecting excitedly! celeste and jesse forever, the master, and the three 2013 terrence malick movies
32. A book you read for a movie the time traveler's wife, among many
33. Favorite Musical moulin rouge, also rent
34. Favorite fictional character driver; drive
35. A movie you wished they never made choke
36. Favorite remake is the dark knight a remake?

Gently Messing Up

 Last night I had a dream that I was on a green grass hill, and I was conversing with a woman with dark hair who I do not know, nor did I much in the dream. She needed someone to ebb her back pain, and was trying to decide whom best to choose to give her that relief. Her pain was really bothering her, I could tell by the way she spoke. The choice was important to her, and she was thinking aloud when she said it was between me, and another girl who wasn't there presently, but who she pointed out from where she was sitting. Her verbal train of thought continued, but I wasn't bothered by it, I believe the only thing that I said back to her was about being concerned that I would screw it up somehow. Then she spoke something to me rather impacting, when contrasting me against the other girl. She was comparing her and I quietly, and said that I would obviously be more gentle, more sensitive about what I was doing, she knew that. But the second girl, there was a greater chance that she would do it right, "Do it correctly." She went back and forth for a few moments, and I was thinking of former times all the while. I was thinking about anything and everything that I ever tried at, put my best effort into, applying the words she had just admitted. I made her decision for her, I finally said, "You're right."


 Last night I had a dream that you took me everywhere that you went, but never kissed me.

Saw My Bleeding Reflection

I hate cigarettes, I hate my friends. I love their voices, and their hands, and I understand only that about the people that I love. It feels like though, that I do so much kindness, and put a lot of effort that is really hard for me, and then it all just is luck. Luck of the draw, like caring so deeply is completely futile, and it all comes down to me pulling the shortest straw at the end. I don't know, how I could have known, but it still feels like I should have, still feels like I actually did, how this was all going to turn out.
I had this dream the other night that I am still thinking of, I read about what it meant a little, but in writing it I know that it will be very clear as to what it was all suggesting at. 
I am in some situation, I don't remember what, but very focused, surrounded, involved, then suddenly my face starts gushing blood. I run instantly to the bathroom, with my nose pouring blood still, my family is aware what is happening, everyone around me is, but they never came in. Everyone was shouting different exclamations from the other room, I couldn't even see them, I just looked up in that oval mirror and watched thick, dark blood rush out of me. People are still shouting, my father sounded worried, and was loud, I couldn't see anyone though, no one came for me. All I saw was my reflection, and all I could hear was voices from another room.

At The Same Time

"Sometimes I miss her. Sometimes she misses me. But never at the same time."

Lately

I have always had a kind of aversion to the saying "life goes on", but I have a newfound hatred for it now, that I have obtained the knowledge that sometimes it really just doesn't.

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